Holidays and family

I survived the baby. The cute, adorable, chubby cheeked 4.5 month old baby that was born on my anniversary (of course). He is adorable and bald as a cue-ball with the chubby cheeks that you just want to squeeze. Luckily, no one asked when we were going to provide one of these for people to coo over. I didn't even cry when I got home. I consider this to be a success for the holiday.

In the rest of the holiday news, everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Too much food was eaten and many many wonderful gifts were received, including 1 copy of Life from Scratch by our own wonderful Mel. I am looking forward to diving into this one very soon.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and I wish you a Happy New Year. I'll see you in 2011!!

Results pt. 3

The SA results are in and they are not as good as hoped.

Low count (12 mil / ml) and low morphology (9%). On the other hand, they are excellent swimmers (65%) and the anti-sperm antibody was negative. This earns the husband a trip back to the dreaded place in 3 weeks and a trip to a urologist's office in the near future.

On one hand, I'm upset by the results. Now we're possibly battling male and female factor. On the other hand, I'm relieved that maybe it isn't all me and there's a chance we're both going to need help to make a baby.

I don't know where we go from here. All I know is that he goes back to give another sample in 3 weeks and he's hoping the first test was just a fluke.

CD 1

There will be no happy announcement for us at Christmas. On the other hand, this does mean I can now partake of the wine at Valeia supper at the in-laws on Christmas eve. And it means that in theory we could conceive a Christmas baby. (Yes, I know the chances of that are slim. I'm hopeful here, dammit!)

So I'm out for having a child before I turn 34.

Lessons from the weekend

This is going to be a bunch of bullet points. I apologize in advance.

1. In a normal silent ticket auction, when one puts in 1 ticket for an item, your chances of winning the item are 1 in however many. Apparently when I put in 1 ticket, it means I win, much to the dismay of the Young'un. However, she doesn't know she's getting it for Christmas anyway.
2. Even though I think the snow looks pretty on the ground, this does not mean I want it on the roads when I drive. Spring can come soon and take the cold with it as well.
3. I'm really, really sick of my ear being messed up. I've never had an ear infection for this long.
4. Christmas is in less than 2 weeks. I'm only half done with my shopping. I'm screwed.
5. Speaking of Christmas, the baking begins tonight. Hello holiday pounds, goodbye waist.

I'm such a bad wife

P went to get his SA this morning. When he called to tell me about it, I had to work very hard to keep from laughing while we were on the phone.

Apparently, the selection of materials were quite poor and the room rivaled a gas station bathroom in its decor. He was not amused and wanted to know if we could find a different place that wouldn't be as sterile if he ever had to do this again. After laughing hysterically, chortling and snorting with laughter, lovingly offering sympathy for his plight, I may or may not have mentioned that at least his room was behind locked doors and he had more than just a curtain to hide his half naked self from the view of others. At that point he did concede that his was much less invasive than mine.

So there we have it. The testing has begun again (finally) and next up would be the saline hystereoscope for me. That one will be waiting until the new year and the new insurance which will pay more towards the testing. Sadly, still no actual coverage for IUIS or IVF, but we don't yet know if we'll even need those options.

Onward!

Snow!

This morning I woke up to find that overnight, snow had arrived to cover the grass, trees, and my car. Oddly enough this didn't annoy me. I admit to not liking snow and cold. I'm one for a more tropical climate which makes the fact that I live in an area where winter resides from mid-October to the beginning of May a bit of an amusement to my family. However, last night I put up the Christmas tree and began to set out some decorations. I'm ahead of the game for a change. Most years I'm frantically rushing to get the tree up the week of Christmas and to finish all the baking, present wrapping, shopping, and general hustle and bustle of the holidays. This year, I'm doing a bit each day and gradually getting things done. I'm hoping this will cause much less stress and frazzled nerves. We'll see if I can keep it up.

But back to the snow. The snow is actually helping me get into a more holiday kind of mood. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by all of it that I just want to curl up in my bed and hide. But today, there is snow. And it looks pretty and festive. Tomorrow I may not feel the same way about it, but for now it is nice.

Thankful

I spend a lot of time on here complaining about what I don't have in my life. Today, I want to share what I am thankful to have in my life.

I am thankful for my family, my parents, my siblings, my husband, and my step-daughter. I cannot imagine not having these wonderful people who love me in my life. My parents have always been there for me when I need them. My brother and sister have grown into adults I'm proud to know. My husband is the light in my heart and the one who always seems to know what I'm thinking, no matter what. My step-daughter is the light of my heart as well. She's growing up so quickly and soon will be a young woman. I am proud of who she is now and proud of the woman she is becoming.

I am thankful for extended family - my in-laws, my aunts and uncles, and my cousins. I am thankful for my 3 dogs who love me and are always happy to see me. I love running around with them and cuddling on the cold evenings on the couch. I am thankful for my job. It gives me freedom to do the things that I want to do in addition to the things I need to do. I'm thankful for my friends, both IRL and in the computer. All of you help keep me grounded when it seems like life is too much. I'm thankful to have the ALI community to ask for advice, read other's stories, and to help me know I'm not alone.

I hope all of you who are celebrating Thanksgiving this week also have a wonderful day and have many reasons to be thankful as well.

It's that time again

CD1 and just in time for Thanksgiving!! It's the beginning of the holiday season and I promised myself last year when we were preparing to start clomid that it would be the last one without a baby or expecting a baby.

Here we are again. Still no baby, still no pregnancy. Just the waiting and the pain of the holidays.

Bad blogger

I've been MIA. My apologies to those who stopped by during ICLW. I signed up for ICLW, but just as it started we had a family emergency and it took all of my attention. My sister who lives 3,000 or so miles away went into the hospital with what was pneumonia in both lungs. While there, she was diagnosed with lupus. My mom flew out to be with her and she was in the hospital for 2 weeks. I apologize for falling off the internet for the last 3 or so weeks, but my family needed me for moral support while we were finding everything out.

My sister has since come home from the hospital and is coming to terms with her diagnosis. We're also coming to terms with it, though in a different way than she is. Right now we're all working to find ways to help her and looking to see how we can help her move home at the end of the school year so she can be closer to family, if she chooses.

I promise I'll start writing more again. We just needed the time to work as a family and help her get through everything as best we could.

ICLW

Welcome to my home on the internet. You can read more about me here. We are currently on a break due to several things, but I'm hoping to get back in the stirrups after the holidays.

Happy ICLW!!

Still on break

We're still on a break from working on a baby. This time it is because of my ear infection which has ruptured my ear drum and will most likely involve surgery to correct. P is in the beginning of "theater season" which is his biggest excuse to play with power tools and build things, usually sets. This means I won't really see my husband for the next couple of months. I think I have him for 2 weeks around Thanksgiving, but the calendar isn't all filled out yet so that may still change. Either way, it spells no chance of making a baby the old fashioned way (like that actually works for us). Ugh.

In other news, we did not go to the party because we actually had other commitments that conflicted that I was unaware of as they weren't written on above mentioned calendar. I don't really regret not being there in the grand scheme of things. I'll meet the new baby during the holidays and that will be fine by me. This gives me time to steel myself for it and think of clever answers to give to my family. Or maybe I'll just out myself beyond the immediate family and see how it falls.

Lost in shadows

Today, I feel lost in shadows. I'm an infertile woman. I am one of thousands, but still in the shadows of it all. I schedule appointments for bloodwork, ultrasounds, results, all with the hope that somehow the doctor can find some way of helping me to get pregnant. I'll take pills, give myself shots, be pricked, probed, and prodded so that I may have a child. And yet, I will do it, as will thousands of others.

My private life will be examined by doctors. My family will give well meaning, but hurtful advice. I'll cry myself to sleep more often than I care to admit. There will be doubts, heartache, and fear each step of the way. If adoption is in my future, then even my fitness to be a parent will be questioned.

But I hope that one day I will be a mother, to a child of my own. I don't know the path yet. I don't know the steps. I don't even know if this child will be biological. But one day, I hope there will be a child who calls me mom and it will be the child that is meant to be with me.

I am an infertile woman. I live in the shadows, but I long to be in the light.

Parties and babies

My cousin, the fertile one who's shower I helped orchestrate, is having a party for her brother who is entering the military. She had the baby in mid-August. My problem is I want to go and see my cousin off, but I don't know if I can take an evening of cooing over a baby and the inevitable questions about when I'll be producing a baby. After all, we've been married for over 3 years and I'm not getting any younger, or so I've been told. I have until Saturday to decide.

Bullet point

Or how I'll get some of the things rattling around in my head out.

1. I have having an ear infection. And I've had this one for a month!!! I keep going back to the ear doctor and he vacuums (yes, vacuums) my ear out, gives me antibiotic drops, and asks to see me again next week. Add in the fact this thing has caused my ear drum to rupture and caused some hearing loss and it adds up to a miserable month.

2. The Young'un brought home a cold when she was at our house this past weekend. Now P and I are both dealing with our own versions of it. So now I have a sick husband who thinks he's dying while I've got the same cold plus the above mentioned ear infection and am still going about life as normal.

3. I've not been very motivated and as such I have several projects at home that are just sitting there and staring at me every evening.

4. My car needs an oil change and I haven't found the time to drop it off yet.

5. I don't know if I'm thrilled over the conception story line for "How I Met Your Mother" this season. It would have been bad enough if they had gotten pregnant right away, but if this turns into an infertility story line, I shudder at what all they will screw up.

6. ICLW was wonderful this month and I made Iron Commentor!

Trying to write a post

I'm trying to write a new post, but it's not coming like I thought it would. There's a lot of things swirling around in my brain, but I can't find the words to share today.

ICLW

Welcome everyone from ICLW! This is my little corner of the internet and I invite you to look around and stay for a while.

I'm April. I'm married to P. I have an 11 year old step-daughter, The Young'un. We have been trying to add to our family since 2007. We've recently begun seeing Dr. Cool, whom I kicked in the head at my HSG. I've also been avoiding the office for the last 2 months because of various things in life that have interferred, like work, vacation, and a general unhappiness that's hit me the last month or so. I attribute the unhappiness to lots of friends having babies and us well, not.

10 things about me

1. I crochet. I've recently begun experimenting with lace weight yarn.
2. I have dogs, 3 of them to be exact. The smallest is 45 lbs and the largest is 80lbs.
3. I hate to dust. Detest it actually. I'll take extra turns at loading the dishwasher to get out of dusting.
4. It's the same thing with vacuuming.
5. I love to bake and I'm happy that fall is coming quickly so that I can start baking again.
6. I'm tempted to put out my Halloween decorations already.
7. My favorite musical is "Phantom of the Opera" and I finally saw it this past weekend.
8. My favorite TV shows are "How I Met Your Mother", "NCIS", "Glee", and "House". I watch two of those online each week because they all have the same time slots on the days they air.
9. I love to read and have been going through at least 1 book a week for years. Usually it's two or more.
10. My favorite day of the week is Saturday, even though it tends to be the busiest day of the week.

So there you have it. Welcome and please come back and visit again!

Places I fear to tread

I love to shop. Love, love love. Of course, I hate to shop for myself, but for others, it's so much fun. However, I have a love/hate relationship with baby sections. I love going and looking at all the adorable little clothes and accessories. I love picking out a cute outfit to purchase for a shower or as a gift for a baby. I hate the reminder that I have no need for these items. It is rubbing salt in the wound.

I hate to buy myself clothing or go to stores where my sizes are carried. When I was younger, I was much skinnier than I am now. Because of this, there is a person in my head that so does not match the exterior. I'm working on correcting that, but it is a slow process and I'm not getting there as fast as I would like. In fact, I tend to backslide more than I make actual progress. Suggestions on things to help that are not diet pills are welcome. I want to be skinny and happy with how I look again.

I dislike going to the RE's office. I know, I know. He's there to help us try to get pregnant, but right now I can't bring myself to want to even call to set up bloodwork. Right now it's a huge stumbling block for me. I need to get over it, and quickly as I have blood work coming up again in about 2 weeks followed by more blood work about a week later.

I don't know why I"m dwelling on things like this right now. I can't even blame clomid as I'm not on it at the moment. Maybe once this cycle is over and we start again I can move back towards my happy self.

Further reflections

This is a follow-up of sorts the the reflections of last week.

Yes, I still attend baby showers. As an infertile woman, it tears me apart inside to see the happiness of the mother-to-be, rubbing her tunny and glowing with pride and joy at the miracle inside. It just rips the band-aid off of the wound in my heart. You may ask, "April, if it hurts so much, why do you go? Why don't you stay home and safe away from these experiences?". The answer is simple, as much as it hurts me, it would hurt just as much to cut these women from my life. These are my friends and family. I am happy for them, that they are about to become a mother. I want to be there to celebrate their happiness. They are important to me. That's why I buy little baby things and make a blanket for each and every shower. Yes, I crochet blankets for each baby shower. I'm beyond insane for that one according to my husband.

Honesty also requires me to admit to selfishness here too. I want them to be there for me, if my time ever comes. I'm afraid that if I skip their showers, then if I ever have need for one, they will look back and say "Well, she didn't come to mine, why should I go to hers?". I know this probably isn't the case. Most of these people at least have an idea of what we are going through. They have heard bits and pieces and understand that we are having difficulties having children.

So there you have it. I go because I care about these women and because I'm selfish.

An online friend's loss

A person I know from a message board had a stillborn daughter over the weekend. I have no idea how to reach out to her. She was a member of the ALI community before her daughter was born. She survived several miscarriages before she had her son. Then when she became pregnant with her daughter, I was thrilled for her. It was a surprise pregnancy, but everything was going well until the beginning of August. The baby was found to have severe polycystic kidney disease and was not expected to live long if she was born alive. Sadly, a month later she was born sleeping and her parents are devastated.

I want so badly to reach out to her, to know what to say, but I'm at a loss. I can't compare losing a child at 6 weeks of pregnancy to her loss of a child she felt kicking inside of her, that she had seen living on an ultrasound. How do I, someone who has never experienced a loss like this reach out without sounding callous?

Reflections

The high and low point of the work week was seeing a co-workers 4 week old baby. He is beautiful adorable, perfect, and made me want to curl into a ball and sob because we've been trying for over 3 years and have nothing to show for it.

I'm trying but it's getting harder and harder to pretend that I'm happy at baby showers and around newborns. I'll be attending 2 showers this month. There are two more coming this winter that I know of. People that had their first less than 2 years ago are now expecting their second, and I haven't even had my first. I'm beginning to feel like maybe all I'll ever be is a step mom and that I'll never hear a child call me Mommy. And that thought terrifies me. I want to be a mom. I want to have the sleepless nights followed by the moments when you look at this tiny perfect child and just stand in awe of the life you are protecting, nuturing, and helping to grow.

It's hard, this road of infertility. It's taken a toll on my physically and emotionally. It's caused my wonderful husband to be worried about losing me to depression. It's caused me to wonder if I'll ever find the person I was before this journey again. I know I'll never be the same because of it, but some days I wonder who it is I've become. I don't recognize myself at times. It's not that I look different. It's more that sometimes the pain inside shows through to the outside and there's a lot of pain and hurt rolling around inside. Emotions I have trouble speaking about, so instead I'm letting my fingers do the talking and hoping that writing it out will help.

Sometimes I wonder how this will end. Will we find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Or will we be left with a house too big for primarily two people? Will I ever see a child off to their first day or school? Help a child figure out how to talk to their crush? Go to the park to play on the swings with a toddler? Or am I doomed to always look at things from the outside and wonder what it would be like?

We survived vacation!

Though to be honest it was touch and go a few times. The highlights of the trip are a busted front bumper from Gettysburg, a lost pair of prescription sunglasses to the Atlantic Ocean, 3 sunburned people, lots of frolicking in the ocean and time spent on the boardwalk, and finding out that there is another couple in the family going through infertility. I have sent the lady of the family to stirrup-queens because if anything can help her feel less alone, it's finding the ALI community. They have orientation for IVF this week so they are a little ahead of us in the game. Please cross your fingers for them as I know they are hurting as much as we are.

Anniversary

Tomorrow is three years that I have been married to my love. We've been through lots of ups and downs, had lots of laughs, and been happily married to each other since 2007. We've been together for a decade. While neither of us envisioned this path for our married life, we are walking it, just waiting to see what our next steps will be in this journey to increasing our family. Happy anniversary love.

Giveaway winner!

And the winner is (chosen by random.org), Nancy!

Congratulations!

Giveaway!

I'm a crocheter. I love to play with yarn. I love to make things for people and I love to go to a craft store and buy new items to craft. Because of this love of crafting (and because it gives me an excuse to go to a craft store), I'm giving away a $25 gift card to JoAnn Fabrics. The deadline to enter is Monday, 8/16/10. The winner will be drawn on Tuesday 8/17/10.

How to enter:
Leave a comment telling me what your favorite craft is = 1 entry (this is the only mandatory entry method). Additionally you can...
Become a follower (or stay a follower) = 1 additional entry (mention in your comment if you are a follower!)
Blog about it = 5 entries (mention in your comment that you blogged about it!)

Birthday thoughts

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 33. I always thought I'd have a couple of kids running around by this point in time. Instead, I'll spend it without even seeing my step-daughter. I'll smile and pretend that I'm happy, but the truth is I'm really not. I'm sad. I'm really sad. I keep hoping for a miracle each month, hoping that next year I'll be holding a baby on my birthday, watching same said baby grow up each year, but I also know that I'm getting older and eventually age will be the enemy for having any said babies. Last year, I went to a baby shower on my birthday. It was for a fellow IFer who made it to the other side so I celebrated for her, even though my heart was breaking inside. But I just knew that it would be my turn in the next 12 months, just knew this. Of course, it hasn't been and we've sent more time not being able to try and have children in the last several months than we have spent trying. It's been hard. So this is my birthday wish again this year. Please, let it be my turn soon. Please let me give the Young'un a sibling to torture love. (I was the oldest child. I know the truth.) Please let me have a child, through whatever means it happens. Please let our family grow.

Where has the time gone?

The next couple of weeks around here are going to be busy celebrating (or dreading) various time milestones. I'm about the first, just kinda there on the second, and glad to celebrate the third.

The first one up is my 15 year class reunion and it is this weekend. Now, I don't know about you out there on the interwebs, but I don't look much like I did in high school nor have I really kept in touch with most of the people. In fact, most of them I only know bits and pieces about through either gossip passed on by my mother or through fa.ce.book. Since I tend to avoid mirrors for the most part, I took a look recently and realized that the picture of myself in my head which looks amazingly like I'm still 21, skinny, and have a line-free face is not correct. I'm far from skinny anymore, I look like I"m in my 30's, and the laugh lines are there right around the eyes. And I get to see many people from my graduating class on Sunday. Save me, please.

Next week is my birthday. I'll be 33 on the 8th. I'm mostly ambivalent about that one. I just keep thinking about how I thought my life would be at this age and coming to grips that just because I thought it would be one way, doesn't mean that life will actually go that way.

The 18th is my anniversary. I will have been married for 3 years. I'm happy to have married my husband and I'm happy with our life. Granted, children would enrich it, but at this point we haven't been blessed yet. I hope that next year will be different, but I am celebrating the life we have now.

Update on cursed

It appears it is a dirty throttlebody on P's car. I'm still listed as cursed, but the check engine light did go off.

I had to cancel my sono for tomorrow. I get to go to an off-site meeting for work that starts at 8. I was supposed to be at the doctor's at 8:30 with the sono at 11. Somehow I don't think these two things are going to work well together. So now it looks like it will be after vacation before I can go and get it done. This isn't ideal, but it is what we have to work with. On the other hand, it does mean that the ban has been lifted for now.

That's my pdate for now. I'm sure there will be more later.

Cursed?

My husband tells me I'm cursed when it comes to cars. I tend to have the worst luck with them. Current case in point: My car has a dying wheel bearing so it is parked until I can take it to the shop next week so I drive his to the bus stop. I drive it the less than a mile to the bus stop and the check engine light comes on. Turns out either it is something really easy to fix or something really bad. We're hoping for the really easy. The easy is cleaning the air intake valve or replacing the PCV valve. Bad is replacing the MAP sensor. While an easy fix, it is the more expensive fix, of course. Here's to hoping it was just a random occurrence and it will correct itself. That can happen, right? Please? I don't want to be cursed as bad luck for cars forever.

ICLW!

Hello and welcome to my corner of the internet. I'm April and I married my husband P almost 3 years ago. At that point in time, we threw out the condoms and started letting the chips fall where they may. I suffered a miscarriage in Jan. of 2008 at 6w, 3d. Since then, we've been trying to no avail.

Currently I'm waiting for my sonohystereogram next week. Previously we've had an HSG done which showed my left tube blocked and during which I managed to kick the doctor in the head. Grace is not my middle name. We also know there is a cyst on my left ovary and that because of the cyst, I have low FSH and high E2. It looks like I'm headed back towards clomid, but until the sono is done, nothing has been prescribed. So currently we are on the 3rd month of a break because apparently when one is trying to have a baby, my doctor forbids intercourse. Go figure!

Ten things about me

1. I'm afraid of snakes. Terrifed actually.
2. I'm going to the beach in August and I'm ridiculously excited about it.
3. I have never dyed my hair.
4. I prefer glasses to contacts and haven't worn contacts since high school.
5. I like corn on the cob.
6. My favorite flavor of ice cream is cookies and creme.
7. I'd rather sit by the ocean than by a pool. This explains the excitement about going to the beach.
8. I crochet, but don't know how to knit.
9. I love watching Dr. Who and have been watching previous seasons on Netflix on the Wii. It's almost an obsession at this point.
10. I'm a Gleek and have been re-watching Glee this summer as well.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope you'll come back again!

CD1!

I haven't even started the provera, but apparently the threat of it was enough to stir things into action. 20 days late, but at long last things have started.

The results are

Negative. I am not pregnant, which I already knew. They are calling in the prescriotion for provera and I'll start taking it tomorrow. Onwards, right?

Still no CD1

I'm now 17 days late. Tomorrow is the blood test to see if through some odd miracle, I am pregnant. I really wish they would have listened and given me the provera last week. But apparently rules are rules and since P and I were intimate a few days before the appointment, we had to wait a total of 10 days "just in case". Sigh.

To make life more fun, my mom and my sister are at my house for the week for a workshop near where I live. They don't know I'm late and I'm not about to tell them because I can already hear my mom on the phone telling everyone that she's going to be a grandma. This is the same woman who told me I should just go to the hospital and ask for a Haitian orphan, because they are just giving them away apparently.

Once I have results from tomorrow, I'll update at some point in time and fill everyone in. Wish me luck. Your choice on for what.

Results

E2 - 327 - too high because of cyst
FSH - 1.4 - too low because of cyst
TH - 4.09 - higher dose of thyroid medication prescribed

Left tube blocked. Cyst on left ovary. Right tube looks clear. Sonohysterogram to be scheduled once the bleeding fully begins. Still spotting at this point. If no period within 8 days, then I will go in for a blood test and if negative, then provera will be started. After my period, there will be another date with the dildo-cam tro see if the cyst has shrunk. At some point in the future, there may be a lap performed to see if there are any adhesions on the right tube and to see if that's what is causing the left to be blocked. The general thought is that I'll be back on my friend clomid soon. I think I'll ask if they give out happy pills with the clomid this time.

So no diagnosis yet, but it's not as bleak as it could be. Oh, and it still isn't CD1 yet so now I'm 11 days late.

10 days late

And a slight change! Houston, we have spotting and 3 negative pregnancy tests. Tomorrow I see Dr. Cool and get the results of my tests. I'll give an update again tomorrow.

7 days late

And still no sign of anything resembling a period. P wants me to test again in a couple of days since nothing has materialized yet. I think I'm just one of those lucky people who had their cycle messed up by having an HSG and it's just going to appear randomly and take me by surprise. It would be my luck you know?

Then again, maybe I used up all of my bad luck when I sliced the bottom of my toe on the radiator beside the bed trying to get out of the house on time for work. So now I have a nice big cut from said radiator on the bottom of my big toe. At least it's Friday and I don't have to get up early tomorrow. But I get to walk around an amusement park all day tomorrow. Somehow, I don't think it's going to be as fun as originally planned.

6 days late and a BFN

I broke down and tested this morning. It was negative. The last 5 days I've lived in a haze of hope. Yeah, I dared to hope. I hoped enough to actually buy a pregnancy test. There hasn't been one of those in my house in almost 2 years. And this morning, full of hope and sure I was going to see that second line, I did my thing and waited and saw only the contol line. So I took my shower thinking it just needed the time to finish processing. After all, the directions say it can take up to 10 monites for all results to appear. Yeah, when I was done showering (quickest shower ever I do think), it was still negative. I was fine drying my hair and getting dressed. But when I told P, the tears started and it took until I was halfway to work this morning for them to stop. I'm not sure what I was crying over, the loss of my hope, or the loss of his hope. Because it appears he had started to hope and think we had gotten lucky as well and hearing him admit that made me hurt even more. I had hurt my husband because I failed at this whole getting pregnant thing again. And this time we actually had almost a week to start to dream. I had thought about how to tell our parents. Yeah, that's how deep into the fantasy I had bought. I was starting to look forward to my cousin's baby shower next month because I could almost see mine as well. So no big news here. Just a pile of hurt and disappointment. I guess you could say it's all over but the bleeding at this point. That part of the negative still hasn't graced us with it's presence.

3 days late

I'm 3 days late. I want to test, but I'm terrified. Afterall, miracle don't just happen do they? In a month where there was an HSG and relations with the husband only once, is there really a chance? Anyone else ever be late after an HSG? Hope is creeping up with each day of being late, yet I know that my chances are really, really small that we managed to get pregnant all on our own. This wait may be the one, but I can't bring myself to find out for sure.

Happy Friday!

It's Friday, there are very few people at work, and I'm contemplating skipping out a few minutes early. Granted, I'd rather skip out a lot of minutes early on a nice sunny June day, but I figure that doesn't exactly show great enthusiasm for my job a really good work ethic. Yes, I know blogging while at work doesn't either, but it's lunch time!

There is nothing to report from Dr. Cool. No calls about wonky bloodwork. No requests to come back and be shot full of radioactive dye. Just waiting until the 7th when I go in for the appointment and hoping against all hope that he doesn't put me back on clomid. I really don't think either my husband or I can take me on it again. Right now I'm just waiting on day 1 to arrive. It should be Sunday at the latest.

I hope everyone else is having a wonderful summer afternoon. Happy Friday!!

Ow

I went for the day 21 progesterone check this morning. 4 sticks, 2 bruised arms, and a bruised hand later, they finally got the blood. Out of the same arm as the initial stick. Today was not a good blood draw day here. We'll get the results of everything on the 7th of July. Only test left to perform is P's SA which he has yet to schedule because of work. He promised he will set a time and go and do his thing. That's about it for today, some bruises, a sore arm, and since all of this was nice and painful, donuts for breakfast afterward.

HSG and other ramblings

Last week I had the dreaded HSG and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. Yes, it was uncomfortable, but it wasn't painful. And in true me fashion, I managed to kick Dr. Cool in the head when he told me he was done. Smooth, right? Now all I have left for my initial testing is CD 21 blood work next week.

In other news, one of my dear friends has announce her pregnancy at 6 weeks along. I am thrilled for her as she and her husband have been trying for about a year. However, the niggling little spark of jealousy had to rear it's ugly head again. But I have decided I'm making her a nice yellow bib with a ducky button on it to give to her when I see her at the end of this month. And she's already dubbing me Auntie April which does amuse me as she knows I'll spoil her baby as much as she'll let me.

Giveaway!!!

Reproductive Jeans is having a giveaway. It's a B.N. (Before Netflix) giveaway for some summer movie goodies!

I rememeber spending all kinds of time trying to decide which movie to rent with my brother and sister. Because the twins are 6.5 years younger than I am, it was always a compromise to find something we all would watch. My brother always wanted something with lots and lots of fighting in it. My sister and I usually went the Disney route as I love Disney and it kinda rubbed off on her. One of the more popular compromises was either The Dark Crystal or The Princess Bride. We now own both of these on DVD. But I still remember going and renting the VHS tape and waiting excitedly to see the movie and eat popcorn and get to stay up just a little later on Movie Night.

Worries

I'm scared about tomorrow. I don't know what this HSG is giong to reveal. I didn't expect to find out I had a cyst last week and now I'm worried that we're going to find blocked tubes or walls, or who knows what. P is being very blase' about the whole thing and it isn't helping. I want him to hold my hand and tell me it's all going to work out and things will be fine. I want him to come with me tomorrow for moral support. But instead I'm going to the hospital alone, getting the test done alone, and then driving myself home. He's still considering the days for when he'll go in for his own test.

Why do I suddenly feel like a comeplete and total outcast again? I thought I was past this. I share about what's going on with friends. I'm not ashamed about the fact that we dwell in the Land of IF. Yet suddenly as the testing begins I want to go and hide in a corner and pretend that none of it is real.

I think part of my problem is the fact that my high school reunion is in August and with that will come the inevitable questions about children. Are we having any? Do we have any? Plus I'm sure there will be pregnant bellies and new babies as well just from what I've heard through the grapevine and from the couple of people I actually stayed in contact with over the years. Maybe I'll be lucky and be knocked up and keeping a secret at that point in time. And maybe pigs will fly as well. I don't think that little miracle is going to happen, but maybe I'll be wrong.

Cyst

Also known as what has been found on my right ovary. This nets me a date with the Magic Dildo-cam again next month. P has to schedule another SA. We're trying to time it so it's on the same day as my HSG. That's next week and will require missing at least part of a day of work. I'm really hoping to be able to go back to work afterward. I'm just trying to figure out how to broach this particular subject with my boss. Any suggestions? It's kind of awkward to have to ask for a half day of personal time after a week of vacation. Somehow, I don't see this going so well, you know?

Anyway, we have not gotten any further results. As they trickle in, I'll update here.

CD3 / RE visit

Today was the day. Today we made the first step and I saw Dr. Cool. He seemed very nice. He answered my questions, asked many of me, and then sent me for CD3 blood work and a date with the amazing dildo-cam. Not exactly the highlight of the visit, but at least he's being pro-active.

His initial thought is that my gynecologist was wrong and that I'm not anovulatory. He's not sure what the problem is yet, but he doesn't suspect anovulation or PCOS because I have regular periods. We'll know more after these initial results come back and after my HSG next Wed. Work is going to love me. I'm off for a week and then need to take half a day on Wed. for a test. I can hear the questions already.

But overall, it went well. I liked the doctor, I liked the staff, and it's not too far from where I work so getting to bloodwork and testing won't be as difficult as it could be. Next step, the HSG and P's SA. He's not thrilled about doing another one for this, but he understands why it needs done.

More news once I have some results.

Happy Memorial Day

For this, my 100th post, I want to thank all those who have served in the military. Thank you to those who have helped to protect my freedom. Thank you to the families of those men and women who wait at home for those overseas. Thank you to those who never came home. Know that you are missed and always will be.

Thank you to my grandfather, my uncles, my cousin, and my brother, all of whom fought in different wars and conflicts from WWII onward. We have been blessed that you all have made it home safely. My prayers will be said today for those that have been lost.

If you can, take a moment and put flowers on the grave of a soldier today. It doesn't even have to be a soldier you're related to.

Enjoy the day, be safe, and thank those who allowed us to have this.

3 in one day!

Apparently I'm a posting fool today. So P just called and decided to brighten my day with this tidbit of wonderfulness. "So, I think Indy just ate your brown flats." Guess who now has to go shoe shopping?

A Giveaway!

One of my friends, Dr. Mamadrama, is having a give-away! You should go over and check it out!

ICLW

Welcome ICLWers! I hope that you come in and sit a while.

This month, I'm going to do the ABC's of well, me. After all, this is a blog all about, well me.
A - April a.k.a. me
B - Bruno, my "little" dog. He's a bloodhound / German sheperd mix.
C - Clomid which I hated being on
D - Daisy, my 13 year old bulldog. She is the grandma of the dogs and thinks her rightful place in on the couch by me.
E - Excited about the weekend because I don't have to be at work!
F - Framboise, specifically Lindeman's Framboise. I will be indulging in that tonight.
G - Google reader. I don't remember how I survived before I put all my blogs I read in here.
H - Home. It's not the best looking place in the world, but it's ours and if anyone knows a free maid service, send them my way.
I - Indy, my big dog who is still a puppy. He's a lab mix.
J - Josie, our lab mix who passed away almost 4 years ago.
K - Kennywood, my favorite amusement park. If you haven't been there, you really should make a trip.
L - Luna Lovegood. I always liked her as a character in the Harry Potter books and would love to make her scarf from the movie. I just haven't found the pattern yet.
M - Mickey Mouse, my childhood lovey who now resides in my cedar chest.
N - NCIS, one of my favorite shows
O - Ovulation or something that I can't seem to do without Clomid at the moment.
P - P, my husband
Q - Questions that I need to think of for the RE next month
R - Rosebush that still needs planted because there has been very little warm weather here recently.
S - Sunshine! The sun has returned here and it makes me happy.
T - Tea, specifically mint. It's a constant for me in terms of drink.
U - Under the sea in honor of the 20th anniversary of The Little Mermaid (that I saw in theaters)
V - Violin. I've played since I was 8 years old.
W - Why? It's the question I've asked many times since starting this journey.
X - Xcitement for going to the RE next month to start on the path of finding out what we need to do. (Yes, I know that excitement begins with an 'e'.)
Y - Young'un, my step-daughter. She recently turned 11.
Z - Zzzzzzzz, what I hope to do tonight

Happy Friday!

Today I have decided that I am going to do the things I don't normally allow myself to indulge in. I'm having a glass of wine with dinner. I'm having chips and dip as a snack. And I'm going to sleep in tomorrow until at least 8 in the morning. Okay, so it's not really that much of an indulgance, but it feels like it today.

More and more I feel myself coming back to normal as more of the drugs work their way out of my system. I feel happy at things again. I smile more. I'm interested in my hobbies again. For a while, I couldn't bring myself to be interested in much of anything. But today, I almost feel like myself. Tomorrow may bring a different feel after visiting with my mom (Haitian orphans anyone?) But for now, I am going to embrace the day and enjoy it. Tomorrow is soon enough to start worrying about the what ifs again.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

Weekend survived

I made it through another year and only cried a few times. Once was when the Young'un gave me a card she made that was written in text speak. It hangs on the fridge with other pieces of art that have been given over the years. Another was when my mother-in-law informed me yet again that I wasn't a mom, but I was such a good friend and did so much for the Young'un. I did hold those back until I could get somewhere alone. But I survived. We survived as a couple because P knew that I was hurting on more than a few levels with everything. But here's to the hope that next year I'll have my own little miracle to share on Mother's Day.

CD1

I'm out. Today I made the appointment with the RE. It's on June 2nd. Here's to the first step in the next chapter of trying to have a baby.

There is a silver lining though. It didn't start on Mother's Day.

This past week, I read many new blogs. So many stories that are similar to mine. So many people who are feeling the same things as I do. Sometimes, I need the reminder that I'm not alone, that others are suffering with me, rejoicing in our triumphs, and sharing our sadness when a cycle fails.

My husband cannot understand why I read and blog. He thinks that it adds stress to my brain and worry to my heart. He's afraid that it causes me to be too hard on myself. He cannot see the support network because he's fertile. He thinks that I'm too hard on myself because I feel like I"m "broken" a lot of the time. I know he's worried because he cares. But he gave voice to a few "What IF" this weekend.

What IF my wife changes and never comes back because of all of this? What IF she becomes depressed and the strain of all of it hurts our relationship beyond repair?

I have been blind and selfish. I had become so wrapped up in my own problems, fears, and insecurities that I was shutting out the person who is in this with me. I had begun to shut my husband out to protect him from my own pain, perceived short-comings, and mild depression.

Infertility is hard. Each month begins with hope, but for many of us ends in sadness. Our partners are there with us in these struggles. But if we shut them out when they are our main line of support, where does this leave us?

I would not trade any of you wonderful ladies for anything. You come and read about my struggles and help me through the dark times. I have to remember to share the same with my husband. He is my best friend and he's afraid of losing me because I had allowed myself to drift away a little. Rememeber we are in this together, with those who love us best, no matter what.

Weekend musings

We did see a movie yesterday. We took the Young'un to see "How To Train Your Dragon". It was adorable. We don't do the whole 3d thing as 3d does nothing for the half blind husband. So we don't spend the extra money for that. However, we all enjoyed the movie. P also had a good friend who was visiting us for part of the weekend who joined us. He also enjoyed the movie. Today is a bazaar at the convent where P's aunt lives. This is the first time that the Young'un will have been there since she was a baby as the ex doesn't normally let us take her with us. However, it falls on our weekend so she gets to go and enjoy it as well.

In 2 weeks, it will be Mother's Day. I have very mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I love showering my own mother with gifts as well as P's mom with gifts. I love celebrating the women that gave birth to us and the struggles they went through to get us to adulthood. I wasn't perfect and I know P wasn't perfect. At the same time, the day hurts badly for the simple fact that I feel like an impostor when people wish me a happy Mother's Day when we have the Young'un with us on the way to drop her off at the ex's house. Yes, in someways I am a mother. I am legally her step mother. I have been there for the nightmares and accidents in the middle of the night. I've held her when she fell and I've carried her when she was asleep. I've kissed owies and bumps. I've given everything in me for this (not so) little girl who will soon be 11. (11?!? When did she get old enough to be 11?!?) Yes even though I've been a part of her life for 9 years, I still feel like an impostor because I have never given birth to a live child. I am incapable of having a child without medical intervention now. Something inside of me is broken and some days I think maybe the only child I'll ever have is this wonderful girl who goes back to her mother after our weekends and whom we see twice a week for dance. What if this is all the more I ever have? Will it ever be enough? Or will I always feel like the impostor looking in on what could have been if we'd of started trying earlier in life.

Happy Friday!

Today is a most wonderful Friday. Today is payday. Because it was pay day and because the Young'un's birthday is in 13 days with her party in 15 days, I wandered out to do a little shopping. After blowing a little portion of my check on her, I wandered to get some coffee.

This within itself is odd as I don't like coffee. Even odder is that I would go and get coffee because today begins the wonderful 2ww. But it's a nice sunny day here and so I decided to wander in for a nice, cold, non-coffee drink to enjoy with my lunch. See? Eventually logic does enter my brain and I did stop and think before I ordered.

So, I'm now waiting on this last wait before going off to an RE. I'm being stubborn and not even making an appointment at this point in time because I'm afraid to jinx myself. So I'll wait until around 10dpo and think about making an appointment then since I'm sure we'll know if it worked or not just based off of if there is PMS or not.

So, I'll sit here and sip my Double Chip frappachina, enjoy the lots of calories it brings as a treat, and wait. Please, sit and wait with me. I'd really appreciate the company.

ICLW!!

Welcome! Glad to see all of you who are dropping in this week. Feel free to look around and stay for a bit.

See here for our history to which I can add we are now on the final round of clomid and are now covered for testing by an RE. I'll take it as it's more than we were expecting.

Now, I promised last month I'd think of something interesting to share. So, my interesting factoid for this month is that I have 3 dogs. Three large dogs actually. Our smallest weighs in at 45lbs, is around 2, and is a bloodhound / German sheperd mix. His name is Bruno. The middle dog is 60lbs, 12.5 years old, and is an American bulldog runt. Her name is Daisy and she is queen of the roost. The big dog is 100+lbs, is about a year old and is a lab mix. His name is Indy because I really wanted to be able to say the line from 'Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade' - "We named the dog Indiana." Yes, I do say this frequently. I am like that at times.

Other things rattling around in my head this month:

1. If I get pregnant and have to give up my tea, will my husband cower in fear of me not with my caffiene?

2. I wonder if I can convince my husband that we need to go and see a movie this weekend.

3. Did I remember to turn off the light in the kitchen this morning?

Thanks for stopping by and reading my bit of the blog world!

Soundtrack

In my world, life has a soundtrack. Music has been a huge part of my life and as such, in my head I have my little "radio" that lays random tunes. Now before you think I'm nuts and that I've lost whatever of my mind still remains, I assure you I am fine. (Yes, I know crazy people never think they are crazy. The difference is I know I'm crazy.) Anywho, soundtracks. Lately I've had 1 song playing over and over in my head and also in my car since I have the cd on repeat. Matchbox 20's "Long Day". This song has been playing for the following lines: "Reach down your hand in your paocket / Pull out some hope for me. / It's been a long day, always ain't that right. / No lord your hand won't stop it / Just keep it trembling / It's been a long day always, ain't that right." Yes, the chorus of this kinda depressing song has become my current theme song for this cycle. Because I need to hope and I'm finding it hard to do so before ovulation has even occurred.

I have no idea why I'm so negative about this cycle. Maybe because it's the last before the next step, if the next step is needed? Maybe because it seems that everyone I know IRL is making pregnancy announcements at the moment? (I knew this was going to happen when we got 3 feet of snow in February. Somehow, I just knew there would be lots of babies coming.) Maybe it's because I'm scared that it will work and then I'll be in a different world than what I've known. I'll be the elusive exectant mother. I know it happens, I've met them. But it doesn't seem to stick for me so it seems like a dream. A really nice dream that's just beyond my fingertips. Still, if you can reach down and pull out some hope to share, Lord knows I need it this month.

Thank you to my Secret Pal

This weekend has been a rough weekend. On Friday evening, I sat in my kitchen and listened to a friend joyfully tell us about her pregnancy, she's 14 weeks along and brought pictures from the U/S to show. They only tried 1 month to get pregnant. Yes, people, she was in that group that get knocked up on the first try. I sat and discussed pregnancy while drinking, heavily for me. I'm enough of a light weight that I'm tipsy after a glass of wine. I had 4. For me, this equated to drunk.

After sharing our struggles and seeing her out, P and I talked for a while about life, the universe, and how much it sucked that we've been trying for years and they sneeze and are pregnant. Yes, we're starting to come clean to friends now. Most of our friends are guys and not married. The nice lady who was here was one of only 3 married couples we socialize with on a regular basis. Out of the 3, 1 is pregnant, 1 was infertile and had their miracle last year, the 3rd has cats and wants no kids at this point in time. I find it easier to share now than I did at first. I was ashamed of what I was and frequently feel like less of a woman.

Saturday, we find out another acquaintance is pregnant with her second. My first thought is "Who's next? Are we going to find out the neighbor's dog is pregnant too?" The mail arrived, but we didn't head out of the house to bring it in yesterday. We're prepping for the Young'un's party on the weekend of Mother's Day. With 3 theater shows in 2 months, the house is not at its best right now so I figured the mail would wait.

This morning, I wake up and go down to find a package sitting on the table. The package was from my Secret Pal. I opened it and found 2 balls of yarn in purple, my favorite color, a magnet with a lovely quote, and a nice note. As I stood there looking at this gift, I almost cried because I needed this today. It's been a long and rough weekend and someone somewhere was thinking about me. Someone out there understands what it's like to be going through this and knows that hearing another person's good news, while a happy occasion, drives that little hole in your own heart a little wider. And understands the guilt you feel for it as well.

Thank you to whom ever sent me the package. It brightened up a rough weekend and made my day much brighter. I have anew beret and scarf in my future. I have a magnet on my fridge reminding me that a happy life isn't given to you, you have to make it, and a note kept with the other important things in life. Thank you for being my Secret Pal. Thank you for the lovely gift.

Last day of Clomid!

YAY! I hope I never have to go back on this stuff for as long as I live. I'm hoping it will help us achieve our goal of having a child, but the side effects do not make it something I would want to have to do more rounds with. Anyway, we're about a week away from the 2WW, so that means lots of time alone with the husband. He's as happy that I took the last pill today as I am. He mentions something about missing his wife because some crazy whacko showed up to take her place. I have no idea what he would be referring to as I was a perfectly calm, cool, and collected woman who would never shriek like a banshee because he did something dumb, stupid, thoughtless, etc to his wife who had crazy medication amplifying everything in her brain. No, not me. Never. So anyway, i guess the whole purpose is to say that we survived 4 rounds of clomid and lived to tell about it.

CD6 / Clomid Day 3

We got approved for this one last cycle of clomid. So far instead of burning up each day, I freeze. This is a new and unwelcome twist in the inner thermostat as I tend to be cold most of the time anyway. The crazies however are in full force. This stuff messes with your mind so much. I swear I become almost paranoid trying to keep from losing my temper, mind, whatever.

We did get some good news from the insurance company. Since P's company was sold, we got different levels of coverage than our previous plan. This means that now testing is covered and I no longer need to get a referral to see an RE! So if this cycle fails, we have a next step. They won't cover treatment of it, but at least I can get tested if needed. The hope of course is that I won't need tested and this will work and I'll be pregnant this time next month. But after 3 previous cycles, I'm not feeling that confident about this one.

Other things I'm beginning to wonder about with being on Clomid is how my period has been shorter and lighter this round. It was 2 days shorter, had no cramps, and was significantly lighter than normal. yes, I tested just to make sure. It was a BFN. Now I wonder if it's decreased my lining since I've not been monitored at all for these cycles. A question to ask the RE if we end up there.

Spring?

Ah spring, the time when young lover's fancy turn towards thoughts of love. Or as is the case at my house, when 2 young dogs decide to romp and play and run all over the yard. Both things work. My question doesn't deal with IF today. it deals with the fact I have a nice new rosebush to plant and I'd really like to keep the pups out of it and from digging it up once I put it in this weekend. Any suggestions for how to do this? Bonus points if it can keep my husband from mowing it down as well.

Insert witty title here

Holidays suck the life out of me at times. We came clean to my parents a while ago and that has shut down the questions on that front for which I am very grateful. Heck, my mom even became a fan of 999 reasons to laugh at infertility on Facebook. When I saw that, I cried because it meant a lot to know that she was supporting me with this, even if it's only on Facebook. However, we haven't told P's parents yet because he thinks that they really won't care and don't worry if they never have more grandchildren. Enter Easter and the announcement of a cousin who is pregnant with her 3rd in 4 years, another cousin who is pregnant with her second, and the thirt cousin, also pregnant with her second. This of course brings about the question of when were we going to have a baby. Afterall, we have to keep up you know. My mother-in-law can't be the only person to only have 2 grandchildren. And besides, since P is the only boy of the only boy, we have to carry on the family name. This went on all of lunch, all of the afternoon, and I was almost expecting her to follow us home to continue there. At least now P is considering letting me come clean to his parents about this. After all, we know it isn't because of me. He thinks that if we don't tell them, I won't be subjected to a bunch of assvice like "Relax and it'll happen. You're just trying too hard." Unfortunately, they already give that assvice.

In other news, it looks like this round of clomid will be a failure. My temperature dropped this morning so I'm guessing CD 1 for either tomorrow or Wednesday. Oh joy. This means I get to call and beg the doctor for 1 more round of medication because the 50mg on the first round didn't do anything. If she won't prescribe it, then it's onto the next step, whatever that will be. We're currently looking into REs in the area and asking a few people we know had trouble for reccomendations. You know, the main thought that keeps popping into my head is "What a waste of money all those condoms were."

A post from another

A little pregnant has posted about some new ads about infertility. They are worth watching. i know I can see myself in some of these and I can see P as well. Maybe ads like these will help spread the word about how much this really and truly does hurt. One can hope.

ICLW

Welcome ICLWers! I really meant to get this up yesterday, but time being what it was and the fact I spent most of the day at the theater with my husband and the young'un for her spring ballet, well yeah. So anyway, here's a quick recap of the journey to date and maybe something interesting about me.

Aug. 2007 - married and threw away the condoms.
Dec. 2007 - BFP!!
Jan. 2008 - miscarriage, 6w 2d.
Nothing for several months as we tried in vain to do it on our own.......
Sept. 2009 - spoke with gynecologist about the fact that there are no babies and we've been without protection for 2+ years
Nov. 2009 - diagnossed as anovulatory and SA came back as normal
Jan. 2010 - first round of clomid - 50mg - anovulatory
Feb. 2010 - second round of clomid - 100mg - ovulated, BFN
Mar. 2010 - third (and probable final) round of clomid - 100mg - awaiting ovulation now

So yeah, that's our journey to date. This is kind of what I'm seeing as our last chance for the moment. We aren't covered for an RE. It would all be out of pocket. We had thought with a referal at least the visit would be covered. But it appears that is not to be. We're now talking about what our next step should be.

As for something interesting about me, well, to be honest I can't really come up with much at the moment. Maybe next month?

CD 5 / Day 3

Okay, now I'm worried because there have been no side effects of the annoying kind so far this cycle. I was prepared for the jitters, the night sweats, the general crankiness and craziness that characterized the last two times I was on this medication. However, this time there is nothing. And now I wonder if it's working. For what it's worth, my protocol for this month is 100mg on days 3-7. Sex starts on CD10. Yay. More scheduled intamacy with my husband. I miss spontaniety.

Is there ever a time in this journey when there isn't something niggling at the back of our heads? What if I'm pregnant this time? What if I'm not? Do we want to do another round of treatments? Do we stay on this path or search for another? When do the questions end? Do the end? I know as a step-parent I question everything constantly. I hope that maybe if I ever have one of my own, maybe I won't question as much, though I'm sure Iwill. Probably even more than I do now. We'll see. It's all in God's hands for me.

CD3 / Day 1

The clomid begins again. So far, no jitters, hot flashes, or irrational mood swings, but it's only 9:30 in the morning. We'll see how this week goes.

To make this week even more fun, it's tech week for a show for which I'm running a light board. This means rehearsals every evening and short sleep every night. P is building it and running the sound. The young'un is dancing in it as it's for her ballet school. Oh well. Nothing like added stress to compliment the extra hormonal infertile, right? At least on Friday after the show there will be drinking. massive drinking. By massive, I mean 1 as I have the tolerance of a gnat. But it counts, right?

So anyway, the gist of this is I'm back in the saddle and ready to try and make a baby. Please God, let this time work.

Recovery

My mother-in-law is home and doing great. She seems to be fully recovered from the heart attack which is a great thing. The rest of us aren't though. This was the first major illness for any of our parents. I guess until now we just kind of thought they were invincible? I mean who wants to admit their parents are getting older and they're moving in the stage where people their age start losing parents to old age diseases? I know I don't. So this was the wake-up call that maybe we need to spend more time with them before we do lose them permanently. We're slowly getting back to normal. Each call from a family member no longer brings that first moment of panic thinking something's wrong. Life is falling back into the normal routine of running hectically everywhere all at once with the Young'un and her dance and work and the dogs and and and.... You know, normal life. it's returning. We're recovering from the scare. thankfully we had taken this month as a break month because our schedules weren't going to mesh up right to schedule the whole baby making time. This was a blessing in disguise as that's when everything went to hell and we were at the hospital for most of a week. So that's the update. things are going well, things are mostly back to normal, and I really need to call and visit my parents a lot more.

Rough weekend

P's mom had a heart attack yesterday. She is doing well and is expected to go home later this week, maybe as early as Wednesday. She was fortunate to only have 1 artery blocked. They were able to cath it and put in a stint. She had minimal damage to her heart, no permanant damage found at this point. At this point we are just doing whatever we can to make sure everything gets done as needed.

Beautiful blogger award

Heather from The Pitter-Patter has given me an award! She nominated me for the Beautiful Blogger Award!



Here are the rules:

*Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.

*Copy the award and paste it to your blog.

*Tell us 7 interesting facts about yourself.

*Nominate 7 bloggers that you love and link to their blog.

1. I play violin and have played since I was 8.
2. I crochet and have a decent sized stash of yarn.
3. I have 3 dogs - Daisy, Indy, and Bruno.
4. I love watching NCIS. It's one of my favorite shows.
5. I have been staying up late each night watching the Olympics.
6. I love to bake and cook.
7. My drink of choice is mint tea. There is usually a cup found near me at any time during the day.

1. Heather from Our Incredible Journey
2. Womb for Improvement from Womb for Improvement
3. Sugar Mama and Baby Mama from Bionic Mamas
4. Rain Child from Raining Raining
5. A+B from A+B waiting on C
6. Shannon from Musings of a Fat Chick
7. Such a Good Egg from Such a Good Egg

I love reading each of these ladies.

Results!

Okay, the bad news is I'm not pregnant. The good news is that I did ovulate! Progesterone was 31. Last cycle it was only 8. Before the clomid, it was 4. Progress, right? Plus possibly another cycle after this since it actually worked! I'll take my good news where I can get it today. After all, waking up to cramps and my period pretty much ruined today.

CD1

I don't have my bloodwork back yet, but it doesn't matter anyway. Today is CD1. If you need me, I'll be the one in the corner with the bottle of wine.

Brief update

Yesterday was my bloodwork. I"ll find out sometime next week what the results were. This morning, I almost lost the contents of my stomache while brushing my teeth. I'm not really sure how to take that one as the last time I had that happen, I was pregnant. However, I wasn't pregnant for long. So I'm in 2WW hell. I'm over-analyzing every twinge, pain, or possible early pregnancy symptom and I don't even know if I actually ovulated this month or not! God, this sucks.

Closer to hope

This month is working out much better than last month. Both the husband and I are healthy. We're um, having fun with the trying. The last few days have brought different pains in the vicinity of my ovaries. Will this actually be the cycle for us? The 2ww will begin at the end of this week. Actually, my guess is it will begin in about 2 days. Bloodwork on Thursday the 11th. We'll see if this worked and if the side effects will have been worth it. At least the night sweats have subsided for the moment.

In other news of home, we adopted another dog this past weekend. This brings us to a grand total of 3. We now have a 12.5 year old bulldog, a 10 month old lab mix pup, and a 2ish year old sharpei / sheperd / hound mix. His name is Bruno. He's a sweetie and has taken to following me around the house. Being the good dog owner that I am, I still haven't taken any pictures. But then again, I forgot the camera on Christmas and have no pictures of the young'un other than the 2 on my phone from that day either.

Clomid Observations

Having taken this medice for a cycle and gone through the subsequent period, I have a few observations to make.

1. I hate night sweats. Every night while taking the pills, I wake up drenched.
2. PMS + me = Royal Bitch.
3. Finding out still no ovulation - 3 days of on and off crying.
4. Period cramps much worse
5. Period shorter by a day. This was actually a GOOD thing, well at least I think it is.
6. My husband cowers in mock fear when I turn into above mentioned Royal Bitch. It doesn't help his case at all.
7. Wondering if it will work this time and questioning even taking it at all at this point causes even more worry, tension, and stress, none of which helps ovulation or TTC.

We'll see how things go this month and see where everything is at in 3 weeks when I get the next bloodwork results. However, I'm beginnning to question if I want to take this stuff for a third month or just go straight to an RE, after getting the referal so that I can go to an RE.

Results, Pt. 2

We have te results from my bloodwork. The clomid did not work. I'm being upped to 100mg and have 1 more refill after this. Then, we're off to the races, so to speak, on what ever path we are meant to take. I'm starting to maybe think about getting the name of an RE now. Maybe.

ICLW

Hello to everyone from ICLW! Welcome to my little corner of the internet. I am April. I have been married to P. for 2.5 years. My husband has a daughter from his previous marriage, J., also known as the young'un. She is 10.5 and is a delightful child hell bent on becoming a large bratty teen. It's fun.

P. and I have been trying to have a child of our own since we got married in 2007. We have recently gotten the diagnosis of anovulatory and have done a round of clomid just after the holidays. Unfortunately, we both became sick the week of baby making and no baby making happened. I'm at the end of the clomid cycle now, am waiting to hear back about my bloodwork so we will know if the clomid in this dose worked or if we're moving to a higher amount.

Since this is ICLW, here is a list of 10 things about me:

1. I play violin and have since I was 8 years old.
2. I crochet, a lot.
3. I'm addicted to Lego Indiana Jones 2 on the Wii.
4. I love to read and have at least 1 book in my purse most of the time.
5. I want to be on What Not to Wear just so that maybe I can look really good and get to go to NYC for a week.
6. I have never dyed my hair.
7. I do not buy shoes and purses. Instead I buy yarn like there is no tomorrow some months.
8. I wear bifocals and have since I was 10. I don't like to wear contacts so I still wear glasses.
9. I drink mint tea a lot. I have a cup sitting next to me now and will have at least 3 more today.
10. I am terrified of snakes. I can't even stand to see a picture of one, I'm so scared of them.

And that's all I've got. Please, feel free to wander about and poke around my blog. Thanks for stopping by!

Sensitive as a brick

Or why my Mom is on the list of people I'm avoiding at the moment.

Last night while I'm sitting on my couch indulging in my PMS foods of chocolate and sour cream and cheddar chips, the phone rings. First off, it's almost 10 and most people who would call me at home or on my cell know that I go to bed at 10 most nights because I'm up at 5:30. I look and see it's my parents and answer. My mom has called to tell me that she knows how to fix all of my infertility problems. All I have to do is go down to the hospital and tell them I'll take one of the orphans from Haiti. After all, the children are all here in Pittsburgh, and so am I! It's the perfect answer, to her at least. So now she's decided that I need to go and adopt one of these babies now. She even has pointed out that since they ones here are all between 1 and 4 years, there won't be any night time feedings.

I was in shock. While adoption may be the path we turn to in the future, it isn't the path for us at this moment. I'd also love to be able to go and help one of those children, but we can't afford the several thousand to adopt internationally at this moment. Hell, we don't even have a home study done yet because we aren't ready to move to adoption. But to have my Mom call me up at almost 10 last night to tell me that she had the answer to all my problems and that it was to drive to the hospital and just ask for an orphan, because you know adopting an international child is justn that easy.

I know, I'm sensitive to it right now because we already know the first clomid round will not be a success. I know that if adoption ends up being the path we take, we'll decide how and where we will adopt. But damn Mom, using a natural disaster as a reason to nag about grandchildren?

I have a confession

Bless me IF sisters, for I have sinned. 1 year ago I bought yarn to crochet a baby blanket for the baby I was sure I would have by now.

Yes, I know. Buying things for babies of your own when infertile is a huge taunt. Yes, I knew this when I bought it, but I was in denial and the yarn was so pretty, and it was on sale. This is how I rationalized my purchase. I can be very rational in my own mind when yarn is on the line. However, I am confessing this sin now because last night after a nice huge fight with my husband, I went to my stash of yarn to pull out something new and pretty to start a project, even though I have 4 other projects in various stages in my crochet bag at this very moment. When I went to my stash, most of what I found were balls of cotton purchased to make baby bibs for presents (Yes, I make handmade baby gifts. I am truly a glutton for punishment), several hanks that needed wound and since I have no swift and I wasn't about to ask the man who had just pissed me off to hold it for me, those were ruled out, and a bag of yarn for a baby blanket. My baby's blanket. I pulled out the yarn and cried over it. Sobbed actually.

This of course brought about another fight with the husband. Why was I crying over some silly yarn? It was just yarn. He didn't understand that it was what the yarn symbolized. He didn't understand that I wasn't crying over the yarn, I was crying over the baby we didn't have while standing in the nursery that isn't a nursery. It's the computer room / junk room / non-existent spare bedroom. Last night it all hit me. Tomorrow I go for my day 21 bloodwork to see if the clomid caused me to ovulate. Even if it did, I know that the cycle is a failure because we've both been to ill to even really want to make like a bunny, let alone actually be able to perform said act.

So please, bless me sisters for I am in dire need either of having my butt kicked for buying for a baby I wasn't even expecting or for absolution because it was bought out of hope.

A Tale of Two Sickies

Or why I don't even have a reason to think about being pregnant this cycle. I started my clomid on the correct day and took my 5 pills in succession on days 3-7. All is well and we have the correct calandar days circled. On day 9 (Sunday 1/3), I start coughing a little, but nothing that seems to serious or even like it will even last very long. On Day 11, P starts coughing. I'm now running a fever. On day 12 (when we're supposed to start to be bunnies) he has a fever, I still have a fever, and breathing is a thing of the past. It turns out trying to have sex while on cold medicine doesn't work very well. Long story short, over a week later and I'm just now getting over my cold. P's cold developed into pneumonia and he's on some seriously strong medication and not allowed to go to work for another week. So no baby for us this cycle. It was a wasted round of clomid leaving us only 2 more rounds before we head off the the big RE whom has yet to be chosen because I'm seriously sticking my head in the sand over this whole clomid may not work for us thing. Friday I will have bloodwork drawn to make sure that this dose of clomid actually caused ovulation, but it doesn't matter if it did or not. There will be no baby this round. Finally tally of the cycle? Sickness - 2, Us - 0.

First round, down

On New Year's Day, I took the last of my 5 days of clomid. Now we're onto the fun portion of this program, if you see scheduled intercourse as fun. Sadly, P does not. However, he's ready and willing, so to speak. Now we have as much fun as possible this week, get blood work drawn next week to confirm ovulation, and then we wait and hope. If this one doesn't work, we have 2 more cycles of clomid left.

There has been a stroke of luck in our quest for a child. I accepted a new job in December. the benefits include adoption assistance after 2 years and IF testing and treatment for things that can be fixed are covered. However, it does not cover IUIs or IVF. But this does open more options for us. This means I can go to an RE if the clomid fails. We're really hoping the clomid doesn't fail. If it appears no biological child is in the cards, we will most likely pursue adoption. P isn't worried about a biological child since he has the young'un from his first marriage. He could care less if any children have his DNA or not. The same here. We just want to be parents. We will get there, one day.