Friday, October 8, 2010

Lost in shadows

Today, I feel lost in shadows. I'm an infertile woman. I am one of thousands, but still in the shadows of it all. I schedule appointments for bloodwork, ultrasounds, results, all with the hope that somehow the doctor can find some way of helping me to get pregnant. I'll take pills, give myself shots, be pricked, probed, and prodded so that I may have a child. And yet, I will do it, as will thousands of others.

My private life will be examined by doctors. My family will give well meaning, but hurtful advice. I'll cry myself to sleep more often than I care to admit. There will be doubts, heartache, and fear each step of the way. If adoption is in my future, then even my fitness to be a parent will be questioned.

But I hope that one day I will be a mother, to a child of my own. I don't know the path yet. I don't know the steps. I don't even know if this child will be biological. But one day, I hope there will be a child who calls me mom and it will be the child that is meant to be with me.

I am an infertile woman. I live in the shadows, but I long to be in the light.

15 comments:

Michelle said...

Beautiful, honest & thought provoking post. Thank you for sharing your most inner feelings with us. We are here with you.

heartincharge said...

What a beautiful post. I think living in the shadows is a perfect metaphor. Thanks for acknowledging the rest of us that are here with you.

Lindsay said...

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Less shadows for everyone!

Iam veRONIque said...

Super love what you have written. All the best, stay positive and hang in there.

Krissi said...

What a poignant post! I hope your break brings you peace and calmness. I just featured your blog!

Waterbishop @ An Older Version said...

I hope one day you will happily step into the light, however it happens.

(from the creme)

Sarah said...

beautiful post

Natalie said...

Very well stated. Like spoken from my own heart.

Mr. Thompson and Me said...

As someone else longing to be in the light...I love this post.

Thanks for sharing it. Now a follower from Creme de la Creme (hope you'll follow back)

sharah said...

Lovely description. Thank you.

gailcanoe said...

Wow! Great post and expressed exactly what I feel. Thanks! I am from the Creme.

Sara said...

Here from creme.

Great post. I hope you find your way to the light soon.

Esperanza said...

I think everyone whose suffering or has suffered from IF or pregnancy loss has felt/does feel in the shadows. Not only are we searching for the light of our future children, but we're also in the shadows as we're overlooked by everyone around us who goes on to have healthy, happy families, leaving us behind. Now that I have made it to the light, I must say, it's an amazing place. I hope you join me here soon.

I know my words cannot bring you any real comfort but please know that you are in my heart and in my thoughts.

Creme de la Creme #125
Creme de la Creme 2010 Iron Clad Commenter Attempt
http://esperanzasays.wordpress.com/iron-clad-creme-de-la-creme-commenter/

Tanya said...

Beautiful - sad post. That is what gets me about this journey - it is so damn sad. I never thought about it before but as pre-fertiles we are so in the shadows. Its time to come out into the light by writing like this and showing the enormous grief and arduous journey that some of us have to take to become mothers.

Michaela said...

Hi! I found this on the Creme de la Creme. It is so honest. So beautiful and so true. I've been lost in the shadows searching for light too. Thank you for this post.