Monday, November 19, 2012

Letter to myself

Dear Me,

I know this weekend was rough.  We decided that we weren't going to pursue fertility treatments because the cost is so high, the emotional strain too much, and the fact that we've been loosing ourselves in all of this.  I know it was hard, but it's the right thing to do.

I wanted to tell you that choosing this path is not a sign of failure or that you gave up.  I want you to remember that it's okay to not want to go through IVF. It's okay that we chose to not pursue our journey through treatments any further.  It's okay to admit that it was hard, wearing, and so damned difficult on us.  It was stressful and took so much joy from life.  It was hard on P as well and he's suffered watching us suffer.

Remember that biology does not mean a child isn't yours.  Look at J.  She's beautiful, smart, funny, and as much yours as if you had given birth to her.  If we choose as a family to pursue adoption at a later date, that's fine as well.  But choosing to remain childless is not a failure.  It's okay to not have a baby.  It's okay to mourn and then let go.

For now, what we need to do is remember what we used to do when we weren't worrying about getting pregnant all the time and start doing those things again.  We need to reconnect with our husband who has stood by this whole time.  We need to learn to laugh again.  It's time to let go and find our joy and learn to be our self again.

You are wonderful and you will be okay again.


Friday, October 19, 2012


The holidays are coming.  Each year, I wish and hope so much that this will be the year that we'll get pregnant, that I'll be able to make an announcement at a holiday that we're adding to the family.  Each year brings disappointment and sadness in that respect. This year will be no different.

At what point do we give up hope?  I know other women get pregnant and have babies into their 40's, but I don't think that's the path that I'll follow. Do I go with the progesterone that was a 6.1 on day 21? Do I go with the fact that my AMH was tested but I wasn't given the numbers, but now Dr. Cool and the Gang want me to come in for a follow-up to see what protocol I should follow for the treatments we don't even know if we can afford since the price tag varies wildly between 6k and 12k with medications?

When we got married, I had stars and hope in my eyes.  I was sure this was going to be easy, that I'd have a baby within a year or so. Now I'm looking at what is probably the end of my journey towards a child without ever getting the chance to try.  It hurts.  It hurts so much I can't breathe at times.  It hurts so much that at times, I can't even cry.  Other times, the tears fall unbidden at the site of something as innocent as a baby bootie left behind by a child who doesn't like to keep their feet covered.  Seeing J's baby sister is a knife of unimaginable pain.  I wish so much that we had been the ones to give her a sibling, to bring a new life into the world.

One of my co-workers who knows about our struggles has an infant son.  She is of the well-meaning but clueless camp.  She likes to tell me about how all I need to do is relax and I'll get pregnant so quick I won't believe how easy it was.  When I try to explain that there are medical reasons that I'm unable to conceive, she tells me that the doctors are wrong and I should just be more at ease with myself.  Ah, if only that were the key to all of our struggles, ignore the doctors and relax.  Just think of how easily infertility could be cured!

As I've said so many times before, I wish that it was easier for us, that the miscarriage all those years ago had not happened.  I want a child that calls me Mom.  The fact that it's very unlikely to happen hurts.  I wonder what I did to deserve this, but I know that it's something that happens, that I didn't do anything to cause it.  I know that by the time spring arrives here, my journey will have ended one way or another. It's coming and the knowledge it may end up childless hurts.

Monday, October 8, 2012


I'm sure people have noticed that I haven't written a post in almost 2 months.  There's a reason for it.  P and I are talking about our path and we may be coming to the end of trying to have children.  It hasn't been decided yet, but he's not sure that he wants to pursue treatments at this time.  Since I'm 35, this means that our time for treatments is dwindling if we want to be realistic about our chances.  We have discussed adoption, but he's not entirely sure that it is the course that he wants to pursue.  Essentially, at this time we are in the same holding pattern that we've been in since 2009, stuck and going no where. 

We also have to take into account the fact that the Young'un is 13 and a half.  She's in 8th grade.  This means that in the spring of 2017, she will graduate and be off to college.  Do we want to be starting over with a young child with one in college?

I am still reading and sending good wishes to everyone.  I do still want to share my journey.  I just don't know which path it is taking now and until I do, I'll be maintaining radio silence.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Happy birthday to me?

Yesterday was my birthday.  I turned 35.  It was a good birthday yesterday.  Today, it all went straight to hell.

I had my follow-up with Dr. Cool and his merry band of medical students and fellows.  The end result is that he recommends IVF because we had a bad SA once 2 years ago and my progesterone was low & my FSH was high once two years ago.  We're now considered both male & female factor, even though all other numbers have been fine in subsequent tests.  The only good news is that he doesn't recommend clo.mid at all.  Thank goodness for small miracles.  I'll take those where I can find them.

I'm in shock and have cried a lot of tears this afternoon.  He uses ARC for most of his patients.  This would seem to be wonderful at first look until the fact that any woman that has had a miscarriage cannot be funded through their main programs and can only do a fertility loan through them.  I was actually excited about the fact that this could happen until I found the application that listed their requirements on it. Then the little bubble of hope popped.

P spent some time looking around and wants to think about grants and loans which is fine.  I just feel completely and utterly discouraged at this point.  I had hoped that we would have gotten unexplained and told to have lots of fun in the bedroom and that IVF would only be a possibility if that didn't work.

We'll probably spend quite a bit of time over the next several days talking about what are options are and what we want to do.  I'm sure there will be many tears and even more wine.

I don't want this to end without a child, but I'm starting to wonder if it isn't in the cards for us.  I'm wondering if one day we'll decide that we aren't going to try anymore and that there will be no babies to call me Mom, that I'll be child-free.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Results part 5?

We have the SA results.  And the numbers were better than last time.

34 million for the count, 63% for motility, and 13% for morphology.

Now, I just need to hear back from the nurses to schedule the follow-up and we'll finally be ready to see what the next steps are.

I might be a mom yet.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

3 weeks? Really?

I see it's been 3 weeks since I last posted.  I swear it wasn't intentional.  I've just been busy and didn't remember to do something as simple as post.  Granted, it's been that way a lot in the last few months, but this time I promise.  I"ll post more.  Really.

P has his SA on Tuesday.  Finally, more progress.  Starting over from the beginning is not my idea of fun.  Of course, him taking several months to schedule his appointment is not my idea of fun either, but he is finally doing it so that is something.

I had a couple of phone interviews for jobs, but nothing came of them so I'm still applying and hoping.  I am making use of the time off though.  I'm making appointments for things that I never really have time for, like the eye doctor or the dentist because when I was working, I didn't have the time to take and the weekends are usually booked with the activities for the Young'un. However, I actually have time so I'm making use of it.

That's really all that is going on here.  Everyone here is fine.  Once I have the results, I'll share and once the follow-up appointment is completed, I'll share that as well.

Thursday, June 21, 2012


Welcome ICLWers!  I'm April and this is my little corner of the internet.  I'm married to P and have a 13 year old step-daughter, the Young'un.  Please feel free to poke around and stay a while. For a quick introduction, here's 10 things about me!

1. I love to crochet.  Adore it.
2. I play violin and teach it one night a week.
3. I was recently laid off from my job, but I'm actually okay with this.
4. I have 2 dogs, Indy and Bruno.
5. I'm an avid reader and go through at least 2 books a week.
6. My favorite shows are How I Met Your Mother, NCIS, Bones, Dr. Who, & Glee.
7. I love to bake, but refuse to bake in the summer.  It's too hot.
8. I'm at the beach on vacation this week and I'm loving the break from reality.
9. My favorite place to go is Dis.ney World.  To me it really is the happiest place on Earth.
10. I'm re-reading the whole Harry Potter series for an unknown number of time because I love it.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

SHG & numbers

Today was not a pleasant day in the stirrups.  Today I had an SHG and a Fem-View.  The results were wonderful and better than I had hoped to receive.  The process to get there, not so much.

After arriving at the clinic and getting the expected negative pregnancy test, I then whiled away 2 hours at the hospital and then returned for the next stage of the program.  This was a date with the ever popular dildo-cam.  After determining that there wasn't going to be dinner, flowers, or even a drink before having my intimate encounter, I laid back, put my feet up, and then spent the next 45 minutes in great discomfort. 

I was not prepared for that at all.  After all, the HSG barely hurt.  It just resulted in embarrassment from kicking the doctor in the head.  I do actually feel bad about that, really I do.  Okay, only a little bit bad after today.

After a very uncomfortable ultrasound where the nurse mentions how she didn't realize my uterus was so retroverted, the nurse practitioner came in and the fun began.  First the speculum didn't want to fit properly.  That was fun.  The after that was done and the catheter in, the pain began.  It was not fun.  There was pain, pressure, and quite a lot of embarrassment.  But the results were good for the SHG.  No scare tissue, no polyps, no fibroids, and a nice good lining.  YAY!!!!! 

Then the Fem-View began.  This added the fun of air and saline being pushed through the lady bits and added the addition of a male drug rep who kept requesting for everything to be shot through again so he could see it on the ultrasound.  He also kept saying that I shouldn't be feeling anything while they were doing the test.  My reply was something along the lines of "So says the person who isn't having it done.".  The NP and the nurse both laughed.  The drug rep was not amused.

The end result of the Fem-View (which saved me from another HSG) is that both tubes are clear.  Dr. Cool gave me an A+ when he came in to review the results with me.  In addition, I got my blood work numbers from last week.  Estrogen - 5.5, FSH - 439, Lh - 1.8, prolactin - 16.5.  All are within normal amounts and he is pleased.

The next step is for P to go and have another SA done.  He's calling on Monday to set up his appointment.

This time, barring unforeseen circumstances like say, ear surgery, we might just have a chance to start treatments and maybe have a baby.  Just maybe.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Back in the stirrups

We started back yesterday. And by starting, I mean I spent almost 2 hours at the clinic to see the doctor for 5 minutes, his fellow for 10 minutes, and the nurse for closer to a half an hour. He keeps talking endo to me, but there's no evidence of me having endo. Right now, the plan is to re-do all of the initial testing, but instead of an HSG, he wants to do a Fem View in conjunction with an SHG (I guess he remembers me kicking him in the head), day 3 & 21 testing, and another SA on the husband. After that, we look to see the results and go from there. He's talking injectibles possibly. I'm hoping for no clo.mid because y'all, that shit sucks. So in around two weeks, I'll get myself to the lab and away we go. Maybe this time there will be a baby?

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Kitchen remodel

We're remodelling our kitchen and it sucks. I can't cook, there's no water in the kitchen because we have no sink, and the table is covered with stuff that belongs elsewhere. I also have trouble seeing the finished project in my head, though thankfully my husband does. So far the house from hell has been exactly that. Some of the things we've found have been very scary and concerning because they were things we didn't know existed and were buried under 2 or 3 layers of wall. The worst was an active outlet that had stripped wires.

I'll post pictures once we get done to show how it changed. For now, please think of me and if you're willing, send wine. I need it for this one.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Advocacy Day

Advocacy Day is next month. This is something I want to do so badly, but I don't know if I can do it. I'm not a blogger with a large following. I'm not a high powered or high profile person. I'm an administrative assistant. I live in a state where I'm lucky to get testing covered under insurance. It will even cover drugs or surgery to fix infertility problems. But it doesn't cover IUIs, IVF, or any drugs associated with IVF. This is why I want to go and have my voice heard. States right next to me cover both IVF and IUIs completely.

I want to be my own advocate. I want my voice to be heard. But my fear is that the legislators for my state won't listen. What if I'm not good enough for them to care? What if they really and truly don't ever care about the Family Building Act or infertility? What if we are never recognized?

So this is my conundrum. If you have gone to Advocacy Day before, how did you feel both while speaking with the legislators and after? Did it help any in your home state? Please tell me about your experiences.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Back in the stirrups soon

We have a date for our return to the RE. My consulation appointment on on Apr. 2nd. Since it's been over a year, I have to start at the beginning. I'm okay with this. So back in to see Dr. Cool I will go and hopefully there will be options and we will get pregnant and have a live take home baby at the end of it all.

I'm guessing it will mean clo.mid again and I'm not looking forward to that at all because clo.mid makes me crazy. P will have another round of SAs and probably a trip to the urologist if the numbers are as bad as last time. He never did go back a second time.

So we're heading back and hoping for our chance at a miracle.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The weekend

It was a long weekend for me, but a painful weekend. Originally, I was going to post on Sunday about how even at Tar.get, I had trouble finding stationary. That writing people a letter is a dying art and is becoming a thing of the past.

Then we got the call. The call that the ex-wife was in labor and the new baby would be arriving soon. In that moment, my heart stopped again and the pain in my heart that has been healing for 6 months had the scab ripped off in one quick move, so quick I almost missed the blood. The baby has arrived, a healthy baby girl. The Young'un is dealing with it okay, but ev eryone was still in the hospital for at least another 36 hours because of the time of birth. That may change once the reality of a newborn is home.

I'm doing okay, better than I thought I would. It hurts. I'm jealous. I can't avoid this baby as I take the kiddo home after dance twice a week. All I can do is pray that one day I'll have my own.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Disney recap

At the end of last week, P and I ran off to Dis.ney. It was nice and warm in sunny Florida, much nicer than the cold of Pittsburgh. We ended up having a wonderful time, lots of really good food, and the added bonus of meeting the cutest little boy in the world and his wonderful Mama and Papa and sister J.

We rode everything we wanted at least once. We saw most of the shows that we wanted to see. We ate at most of the places we wanted to eat. Ep.cot is wonderful for food. I could eat there every day if it wasn't 1500 miles away and really not practical for my budget on so many counts. I came home feeling more relaxed and less stressed than I have in a long while. This was such a needed break.

The only real damper to the trip was the CD1 hit on the third day we were there and we both had colds for the whole trip. I'm mostly over mine, but P's has developed into a man-cold and he's convinced he's going to die. Or at least be sick for weeks on end. However, he's planning on playing hockey tonight. Please explain to me how that works.

So since I was a ways away from the clinic, I will be starting back with next month's CD1. This will put me starting treatments around the same time the ex is due. The almost teenager young'un is doing better about the coming baby, but she's still not thrilled. I'm not overly thrilled either, but she's more important in this equation than my infertility bitterness is.

So that's what's been going on here. I promise to try and post more often. Really, I do. With the planned return to the stirrups, I'm sure there will be more to post soon as well.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

National Delurking Week

Okay, Mel's decreed it's National Delurking week. If you're hear and you read, leave a comment and tell me about yourself! I'm always happy to have people stop by and leave comments. They really brighten my day.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Disney tips (again)

Okay, so we're of to the House of Mouse for a short trip in about 2 weeks. Any advice? We're staying on property and have the dining plan. We've planned 2 meals, but nothing beyond that. We arrive fairly late in the evening on our first day and leave in the afternoon on our last days. What are the things we should not miss? What are the things you'd say really aren't worth the time?

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Long time no post

It's been hectic around here and I haven't posted in a while. The good new? I survived the holidays on all fronts. The bad news? The ex's baby shower is in 2 weeks and I have to get the present ready and take it and the young'un over to her grandmother on that side's house to drop it off. The kiddo even managed to talk me into making a blanket for the baby.

On other fronts, the holidays were busy, hectic, and nice. The new year, I'm looking forward to getting back in the stirrups, so to speak.

I'm also looking forward to vacation in 22 days. Florida and orlando, here I come again. Yep, we're headed back to Dis.ney for a little get-away for P and I. It's the honeymoon we weren't able to take when we got married.

Happy New Year everyone. May this be the year for us all.