Thursday, August 9, 2012

Happy birthday to me?

Yesterday was my birthday.  I turned 35.  It was a good birthday yesterday.  Today, it all went straight to hell.

I had my follow-up with Dr. Cool and his merry band of medical students and fellows.  The end result is that he recommends IVF because we had a bad SA once 2 years ago and my progesterone was low & my FSH was high once two years ago.  We're now considered both male & female factor, even though all other numbers have been fine in subsequent tests.  The only good news is that he doesn't recommend clo.mid at all.  Thank goodness for small miracles.  I'll take those where I can find them.

I'm in shock and have cried a lot of tears this afternoon.  He uses ARC for most of his patients.  This would seem to be wonderful at first look until the fact that any woman that has had a miscarriage cannot be funded through their main programs and can only do a fertility loan through them.  I was actually excited about the fact that this could happen until I found the application that listed their requirements on it. Then the little bubble of hope popped.

P spent some time looking around and wants to think about grants and loans which is fine.  I just feel completely and utterly discouraged at this point.  I had hoped that we would have gotten unexplained and told to have lots of fun in the bedroom and that IVF would only be a possibility if that didn't work.

We'll probably spend quite a bit of time over the next several days talking about what are options are and what we want to do.  I'm sure there will be many tears and even more wine.

I don't want this to end without a child, but I'm starting to wonder if it isn't in the cards for us.  I'm wondering if one day we'll decide that we aren't going to try anymore and that there will be no babies to call me Mom, that I'll be child-free.

6 comments:

Cassie Dash said...

First off...Happy birthday! I'm glad you had a good day. (And btw, yesterday was my b-day too!)

And second...I'm so sorry that this has to follow that. You sound so discouraged and disheartened and I can't blame you for that one bit. I know it's hard to maintain hope at times like this, where things just seem to keep getting worse.

I'm thinking of you and praying for the wisdom and courage to make the right decisions, and for the strength and peace needed to get through this. ~ hugs ~

KT said...

Happy belated birthday!

Good luck with your decision. If you find out about any grants it would be great if you could share them- my husband and I were recently told that IVF is our only option and we are wondering how we are going to pay for it.

LuvnMySailor said...

Just found your blog while poking around Stirrup Queens... So, happy birthday!!

It sounds like you've had a long road with IF so far... Have you ever gotten a second opinion? Sounds like your current doc is great, but I should think IUI or something else may suit your situation better....

All the best, and pop open another's bottle, you deserve it!

*~ Melanie
http://luvnmysailor.blogspot.com/

womb for improvement said...

At least the bad news didn't come on your birthday. I know what you mean about wondering whether you'll ever be a mum. I don't think anyone who has to deal with infertility doesn't have those thoughts. I hope you manage to fund IVF, and that it works.

Emily @ablanket2keep said...

Happy belated Birthday!

Open that bottle of wine! Sorry you have so many difficult things to discuss. Praying you can make a decision that is perfect for the 2 of you and brings peace.

internalplumbingissues2 said...

Happy belated birthday, I'm a leo too, found you via WFI. Just sending the biggest of hugs, I feel what you wrote, I just hate it when that happens, you can have this but oh wait no you can't Grrrr, feeling all your frustration hon hope life stops kicking us both in the proverbials soon :) x