Sunday, April 25, 2010

Weekend musings

We did see a movie yesterday. We took the Young'un to see "How To Train Your Dragon". It was adorable. We don't do the whole 3d thing as 3d does nothing for the half blind husband. So we don't spend the extra money for that. However, we all enjoyed the movie. P also had a good friend who was visiting us for part of the weekend who joined us. He also enjoyed the movie. Today is a bazaar at the convent where P's aunt lives. This is the first time that the Young'un will have been there since she was a baby as the ex doesn't normally let us take her with us. However, it falls on our weekend so she gets to go and enjoy it as well.

In 2 weeks, it will be Mother's Day. I have very mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I love showering my own mother with gifts as well as P's mom with gifts. I love celebrating the women that gave birth to us and the struggles they went through to get us to adulthood. I wasn't perfect and I know P wasn't perfect. At the same time, the day hurts badly for the simple fact that I feel like an impostor when people wish me a happy Mother's Day when we have the Young'un with us on the way to drop her off at the ex's house. Yes, in someways I am a mother. I am legally her step mother. I have been there for the nightmares and accidents in the middle of the night. I've held her when she fell and I've carried her when she was asleep. I've kissed owies and bumps. I've given everything in me for this (not so) little girl who will soon be 11. (11?!? When did she get old enough to be 11?!?) Yes even though I've been a part of her life for 9 years, I still feel like an impostor because I have never given birth to a live child. I am incapable of having a child without medical intervention now. Something inside of me is broken and some days I think maybe the only child I'll ever have is this wonderful girl who goes back to her mother after our weekends and whom we see twice a week for dance. What if this is all the more I ever have? Will it ever be enough? Or will I always feel like the impostor looking in on what could have been if we'd of started trying earlier in life.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Happy Friday!

Today is a most wonderful Friday. Today is payday. Because it was pay day and because the Young'un's birthday is in 13 days with her party in 15 days, I wandered out to do a little shopping. After blowing a little portion of my check on her, I wandered to get some coffee.

This within itself is odd as I don't like coffee. Even odder is that I would go and get coffee because today begins the wonderful 2ww. But it's a nice sunny day here and so I decided to wander in for a nice, cold, non-coffee drink to enjoy with my lunch. See? Eventually logic does enter my brain and I did stop and think before I ordered.

So, I'm now waiting on this last wait before going off to an RE. I'm being stubborn and not even making an appointment at this point in time because I'm afraid to jinx myself. So I'll wait until around 10dpo and think about making an appointment then since I'm sure we'll know if it worked or not just based off of if there is PMS or not.

So, I'll sit here and sip my Double Chip frappachina, enjoy the lots of calories it brings as a treat, and wait. Please, sit and wait with me. I'd really appreciate the company.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


Welcome! Glad to see all of you who are dropping in this week. Feel free to look around and stay for a bit.

See here for our history to which I can add we are now on the final round of clomid and are now covered for testing by an RE. I'll take it as it's more than we were expecting.

Now, I promised last month I'd think of something interesting to share. So, my interesting factoid for this month is that I have 3 dogs. Three large dogs actually. Our smallest weighs in at 45lbs, is around 2, and is a bloodhound / German sheperd mix. His name is Bruno. The middle dog is 60lbs, 12.5 years old, and is an American bulldog runt. Her name is Daisy and she is queen of the roost. The big dog is 100+lbs, is about a year old and is a lab mix. His name is Indy because I really wanted to be able to say the line from 'Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade' - "We named the dog Indiana." Yes, I do say this frequently. I am like that at times.

Other things rattling around in my head this month:

1. If I get pregnant and have to give up my tea, will my husband cower in fear of me not with my caffiene?

2. I wonder if I can convince my husband that we need to go and see a movie this weekend.

3. Did I remember to turn off the light in the kitchen this morning?

Thanks for stopping by and reading my bit of the blog world!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


In my world, life has a soundtrack. Music has been a huge part of my life and as such, in my head I have my little "radio" that lays random tunes. Now before you think I'm nuts and that I've lost whatever of my mind still remains, I assure you I am fine. (Yes, I know crazy people never think they are crazy. The difference is I know I'm crazy.) Anywho, soundtracks. Lately I've had 1 song playing over and over in my head and also in my car since I have the cd on repeat. Matchbox 20's "Long Day". This song has been playing for the following lines: "Reach down your hand in your paocket / Pull out some hope for me. / It's been a long day, always ain't that right. / No lord your hand won't stop it / Just keep it trembling / It's been a long day always, ain't that right." Yes, the chorus of this kinda depressing song has become my current theme song for this cycle. Because I need to hope and I'm finding it hard to do so before ovulation has even occurred.

I have no idea why I'm so negative about this cycle. Maybe because it's the last before the next step, if the next step is needed? Maybe because it seems that everyone I know IRL is making pregnancy announcements at the moment? (I knew this was going to happen when we got 3 feet of snow in February. Somehow, I just knew there would be lots of babies coming.) Maybe it's because I'm scared that it will work and then I'll be in a different world than what I've known. I'll be the elusive exectant mother. I know it happens, I've met them. But it doesn't seem to stick for me so it seems like a dream. A really nice dream that's just beyond my fingertips. Still, if you can reach down and pull out some hope to share, Lord knows I need it this month.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Thank you to my Secret Pal

This weekend has been a rough weekend. On Friday evening, I sat in my kitchen and listened to a friend joyfully tell us about her pregnancy, she's 14 weeks along and brought pictures from the U/S to show. They only tried 1 month to get pregnant. Yes, people, she was in that group that get knocked up on the first try. I sat and discussed pregnancy while drinking, heavily for me. I'm enough of a light weight that I'm tipsy after a glass of wine. I had 4. For me, this equated to drunk.

After sharing our struggles and seeing her out, P and I talked for a while about life, the universe, and how much it sucked that we've been trying for years and they sneeze and are pregnant. Yes, we're starting to come clean to friends now. Most of our friends are guys and not married. The nice lady who was here was one of only 3 married couples we socialize with on a regular basis. Out of the 3, 1 is pregnant, 1 was infertile and had their miracle last year, the 3rd has cats and wants no kids at this point in time. I find it easier to share now than I did at first. I was ashamed of what I was and frequently feel like less of a woman.

Saturday, we find out another acquaintance is pregnant with her second. My first thought is "Who's next? Are we going to find out the neighbor's dog is pregnant too?" The mail arrived, but we didn't head out of the house to bring it in yesterday. We're prepping for the Young'un's party on the weekend of Mother's Day. With 3 theater shows in 2 months, the house is not at its best right now so I figured the mail would wait.

This morning, I wake up and go down to find a package sitting on the table. The package was from my Secret Pal. I opened it and found 2 balls of yarn in purple, my favorite color, a magnet with a lovely quote, and a nice note. As I stood there looking at this gift, I almost cried because I needed this today. It's been a long and rough weekend and someone somewhere was thinking about me. Someone out there understands what it's like to be going through this and knows that hearing another person's good news, while a happy occasion, drives that little hole in your own heart a little wider. And understands the guilt you feel for it as well.

Thank you to whom ever sent me the package. It brightened up a rough weekend and made my day much brighter. I have anew beret and scarf in my future. I have a magnet on my fridge reminding me that a happy life isn't given to you, you have to make it, and a note kept with the other important things in life. Thank you for being my Secret Pal. Thank you for the lovely gift.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Last day of Clomid!

YAY! I hope I never have to go back on this stuff for as long as I live. I'm hoping it will help us achieve our goal of having a child, but the side effects do not make it something I would want to have to do more rounds with. Anyway, we're about a week away from the 2WW, so that means lots of time alone with the husband. He's as happy that I took the last pill today as I am. He mentions something about missing his wife because some crazy whacko showed up to take her place. I have no idea what he would be referring to as I was a perfectly calm, cool, and collected woman who would never shriek like a banshee because he did something dumb, stupid, thoughtless, etc to his wife who had crazy medication amplifying everything in her brain. No, not me. Never. So anyway, i guess the whole purpose is to say that we survived 4 rounds of clomid and lived to tell about it.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

CD6 / Clomid Day 3

We got approved for this one last cycle of clomid. So far instead of burning up each day, I freeze. This is a new and unwelcome twist in the inner thermostat as I tend to be cold most of the time anyway. The crazies however are in full force. This stuff messes with your mind so much. I swear I become almost paranoid trying to keep from losing my temper, mind, whatever.

We did get some good news from the insurance company. Since P's company was sold, we got different levels of coverage than our previous plan. This means that now testing is covered and I no longer need to get a referral to see an RE! So if this cycle fails, we have a next step. They won't cover treatment of it, but at least I can get tested if needed. The hope of course is that I won't need tested and this will work and I'll be pregnant this time next month. But after 3 previous cycles, I'm not feeling that confident about this one.

Other things I'm beginning to wonder about with being on Clomid is how my period has been shorter and lighter this round. It was 2 days shorter, had no cramps, and was significantly lighter than normal. yes, I tested just to make sure. It was a BFN. Now I wonder if it's decreased my lining since I've not been monitored at all for these cycles. A question to ask the RE if we end up there.

Thursday, April 8, 2010


Ah spring, the time when young lover's fancy turn towards thoughts of love. Or as is the case at my house, when 2 young dogs decide to romp and play and run all over the yard. Both things work. My question doesn't deal with IF today. it deals with the fact I have a nice new rosebush to plant and I'd really like to keep the pups out of it and from digging it up once I put it in this weekend. Any suggestions for how to do this? Bonus points if it can keep my husband from mowing it down as well.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Insert witty title here

Holidays suck the life out of me at times. We came clean to my parents a while ago and that has shut down the questions on that front for which I am very grateful. Heck, my mom even became a fan of 999 reasons to laugh at infertility on Facebook. When I saw that, I cried because it meant a lot to know that she was supporting me with this, even if it's only on Facebook. However, we haven't told P's parents yet because he thinks that they really won't care and don't worry if they never have more grandchildren. Enter Easter and the announcement of a cousin who is pregnant with her 3rd in 4 years, another cousin who is pregnant with her second, and the thirt cousin, also pregnant with her second. This of course brings about the question of when were we going to have a baby. Afterall, we have to keep up you know. My mother-in-law can't be the only person to only have 2 grandchildren. And besides, since P is the only boy of the only boy, we have to carry on the family name. This went on all of lunch, all of the afternoon, and I was almost expecting her to follow us home to continue there. At least now P is considering letting me come clean to his parents about this. After all, we know it isn't because of me. He thinks that if we don't tell them, I won't be subjected to a bunch of assvice like "Relax and it'll happen. You're just trying too hard." Unfortunately, they already give that assvice.

In other news, it looks like this round of clomid will be a failure. My temperature dropped this morning so I'm guessing CD 1 for either tomorrow or Wednesday. Oh joy. This means I get to call and beg the doctor for 1 more round of medication because the 50mg on the first round didn't do anything. If she won't prescribe it, then it's onto the next step, whatever that will be. We're currently looking into REs in the area and asking a few people we know had trouble for reccomendations. You know, the main thought that keeps popping into my head is "What a waste of money all those condoms were."