tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37767185027865137692024-03-13T12:03:04.046-07:00CD 1 again.....Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.comBlogger205125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-51147183152255125472019-05-14T12:33:00.002-07:002019-05-14T12:33:35.561-07:00Hello and goodbyeHello there. I’m not sure anyone is still out there reading blogs or many people still writing them either. It’s been 2.5 years since my last post. In that time, I turned 40, watched my step-daughter leave for college, and finished my journey of infertility by deciding to not pursue parenthood of another child, that 1 step-daughter was enough. Yet I left this blog here, unfinished and without an end. So this post it it, the official end of this little blog of mine. I’m grateful for the support of the community I found through my struggle with infertility. I’ve found valuable friendships and learned my own strength. The end, while bittersweet in that we never had a child together, is not sad. At least it isn’t sad in the way it seemed a decade ago before I found that being me without a baby was ok, that I didn’t need a baby to be whole.<br />
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Thank you to everyone who ever stopped here and said hi or offered support when I was at my lowest, so sure I was worthless because my uterus didn’t work. It meant more than I can ever convey here with just words. I looked back and the anguish I read in old posts just hurts, but it helped shape who I am now. I’m leaving all of the posts here for anyone who needs them. Someday, someone else will maybe need to see that they are not alone, even if it feels that way.<br />
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So with this, I say goodbye to this blog and best wishes from me to you, wherever you are. Please know that you are not alone. Even if we have never met, I’m thinking of you because I was once there too. Know that you are loved and you are enough, no matter what. I hope your own journey will bring you peace.<br />
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Goodbye my friends.<br />
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Love,<br />
AprilAprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-91206767166112781002016-12-07T18:30:00.000-08:002016-12-07T18:30:26.417-08:00Love ActuallyI'm sitting here watching it again tonight. For the first time, I'm noticing how dated a lot of it is. The reference to 9/11, the VHS tape, Colin Firth without gray hair. But I still love the movie. It's part of my Christmas tradition, every much as White Christmas is. Tonight, it's my refuge from the insanity of the season. It's an oasis in the middle of tech week for Nutcracker and all of the holiday prep I should be doing instead of watching a movie.<br />
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I wonder what happened to all of the couples after the movie ended. Did they have their happily ever afters? Or did their stories end in heartbreak and sadness? And how much fun did Rowan Atkinson have with the gift wrap scene?<br />
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May you find a break if you can during this holiday season. From our house to yours, happy holidays.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-5926793362103652202016-11-01T18:58:00.000-07:002016-11-01T18:58:00.230-07:00Looking forward<br />
J received her acceptance letter to her first choice college yesterday. She is over the moon and looking forward to moving to the other side of the state and almost 6 hours away. I'm starting to think about what life is going to be like without her commitments during the week and weekends. The problem is that I've forgotten what it was like before my life was intertwined with hers.<br />
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I'm not sure where I'm heading next year. I don't know if I want to go back to school and finish my degree or maybe find a new hobby. Maybe I'll look for a career change. I know I have a whole world open to me, but I'm not sure of my place anymore. Somehow I've become just J's step-mom, another of the moms sitting at dance class.<br />
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I used to do plays, perform as part of an orchestra. We would go out for dinner, go see movies, spend time with family. It seems so long ago and just like yesterday all at the same time. But without the parent label, I'm afraid of being nothing, a remnant of myself.<br />
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How do I find myself again?Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-8075493663316349192016-08-16T19:02:00.001-07:002016-08-16T19:02:08.118-07:00The beginning of the endToday I registered J for dance for the last time. In just under 2 weeks, she starts her senior year. She knows where she wants to go to college and what she wants to major in next year. She is learning to drive and has her permit.<br />
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I'm begging for the days to go slower, for the year to not rush by so quickly. I have no idea what I'm going to do after she graduates. Some days I say I'll go back to school and finish my degree. Or maybe I'll change careers and become a Disney travel agent. After all, I love Disney. What I don't want to do is become a sad person who is so lost they can't find who they are anymore. I've been there. That was me during infertility.<br />
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So, here's my challenge to myself. I'm going to start looking at what to do as an actual grown-up. I'll happily take suggestions. I have a year left and then the nest will be empty. It's time to start thinking of myself again.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-48305665793191740522016-04-23T10:39:00.001-07:002016-04-23T10:39:38.680-07:00HiI feel as if I should say that I'm not dead. Because I'm not, not really. There's so much that I could and should fill you in on for the last three years. But the reality is I've walked away from the space. I walked away from this blog. We haven't adopted. We haven't gotten pregnant. In just over a year, J will go off to college and then I'll be an empty-nester at the ripe old age of 40. I'm not sure where the next phase of life is going to take me. I never thought I'd not have children of my own. I never pictured this as my life.<br />
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Part of me wants to rant and rail at the heavens over the unfairness of it all. But I know that doesn't help and won't change the reality that it didn't happen for us. There was no magic fix, not happy ending. The truth is that I still mourn the children I'll never have, the future I didn't get. The one with the 2.3 perfect children and the house with the picket fence. Okay, the house does have a picket fence. But it doesn't have the children.<br />
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When I stepped away, it was just supposed to be temporary. I was only going to take a month or so off from posting. Instead, it's stretched into almost 3 years. Now I find myself thinking of the next stage and how to move forward. I'm not taking this space down, but I am going to repurpose it eventually. I see a space sharing the adventures of a pair of young empty-nesters. A place where perhaps I can find myself again.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-43344770219485772432013-06-13T12:10:00.002-07:002013-06-13T12:10:50.090-07:00A reflection after almost 6 yearsOn August 18th, I married my best friend. The day was beautiful, the groom so very handsome in his tux (in my opinion) and I felt like a princess. That's what everyone wants to hear. In reality, P and I weren't sure if we were going to be able to have our wedding outside as we planned, that my dress would be at the shop for me to pick up after a few last minute alterations, that the food at the reception would be edible, and that our friend who volunteered to both do the videopraphy for our wedding and DJ the reception would be able to make everything work out.<br />
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We did get to have our outdoor wedding and it was beautiful. the day was gorgeous, few decorations were needed, and he did look handsome to me. My dress was finished on time, but barely. I picked it up the day that we left to head to the wedding. P tech directed our wedding and set up all of the sound equipment both at the ceremony site and at the reception hall. The food was fabulous and even now we still get complements on it. The cake was beautiful and tasty. The video still hasn't arrived and never will because the footage was horrible. The same thing with the DJing at the reception. If I had that to do over again, I'd micro manage and set out a play list for him to play.<br />
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However, the end result was that we got married and have been happily married for almost 6 years. Despite the things that I can look back on and cringe over and the things I look back on and celebrate, I wouldn't have wanted the day to go too much differently. It was one of the best days of my life.<br />
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<em><strong>Say “I Do” to Measure of Love:</strong> <b>http://tinyurl.com/measureofloveamazon</b></em><br />
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Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-21648421676896544522013-06-13T12:01:00.001-07:002013-06-13T12:02:45.358-07:00My wedding<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IeqU-74cl9E/UboWwg8wzgI/AAAAAAAAADk/ZJV-R_RDTPw/s1600/226526_18846725784_5893_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IeqU-74cl9E/UboWwg8wzgI/AAAAAAAAADk/ZJV-R_RDTPw/s320/226526_18846725784_5893_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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With the Measure of Love contest, I wanted to show a picture of the day P and I got married. This is actually from our entrance to the reception. It will be 6 years this summer since we said "I do".<br />
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<em><strong>Say “I Do” to Measure of Love:</strong> <b>http://tinyurl.com/measureofloveamazon</b></em>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-51621664572857933482013-06-13T11:09:00.002-07:002013-06-13T11:25:33.302-07:00Measure of Love discussionIn Melissa Ford's newest book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Measure-Love-Melissa-Ford/dp/1611942829/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1371146624&sr=8-1&keywords=measure+of+love" target="_blank">Measure of Love</a>, we revisit with Rachael Goldman and see where her life has taken her since <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Life-Scratch-Melissa-Ford/dp/1935661981/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1371146588&sr=8-1&keywords=life+from+scratch" target="_blank">Life From Scratch</a>.<br />
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Rachael is living with her ex husband Adam and becomes engaged during the course of the book. However, she is too scared to grab onto her happiness and finds herself meddling in the relationships of her friends and family, often to disastrous results. She does this with Lizbet and Emily's wedding plans and causes major problems between herself and her ex / future sister in law and herself. While she is well meaning with it, is it right? Does she make it right in your eyes when she asks Lizbet and Adam's mother to go and help Lizbet with her wedding planning since the dream wedding envisioned by Lizbet is what her mother wanted for Rachel?<br />
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Do you feel Rachel could have handled this in a different way?<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><em>After you answer my question, please click over to read the rest of the </em><a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2013/06/grabook-club-discusses-measure-of-love/" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;"><em>book club questions for Measure of Love</em></span></a><em>. You can get your own copy of </em><span style="color: blue;"><em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Measure-Love-Melissa-Ford/dp/1611942829/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1371146624&sr=8-1&keywords=measure+of+love" target="_blank">Measure of Love by Melissa Ford</a></em></span><em> at bookstores including Amazon</em></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">.</span>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-58352328439992046872013-05-24T09:09:00.000-07:002013-05-24T09:09:08.786-07:00Infertility is the new blackI've been spending some free time watching shows that I've wanted to see on Netflix and reading lots of books the past few weeks. I've begun to notice something about what I've been watching and reading. Infertility has become the new black.<br />
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It seems that most, not all just most that I've seen lately, shows feel obligated to have at least one character deal with infertility. It seems to be the same things with books as well. It used to be a deadly disease. Now it's infertility testing, surrogates, and adoption. Now, bringing this to the public is wonderful. I applaud that it's becoming a mainstream plot point, but sometimes I really want to escape from it myself. How does one escape their reality when TV is showing it and makes it look like it's so easy to resolve? People meet birth moms at a coffee cart, find a surrogate on a softball team, try to conceive for 3 months and go off for testing, only to find that all is well and then conceive 2 months later.<br />
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It's wonderful and heart-breaking all at the same time. Very rarely does the show actually show the pain and heartache associated with infertility. It doesn't reflect the costs and legalities involved with treatments, adoption, and surrogacy. It's just a nifty new plot twist designed to tug at a few hearts and then get quickly resolved.<br />
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It's also occurring more and more in books, usually resolved by the end with a miracle pregnancy or no problem adoption. It's frustrating and frankly demeaning to those of us who are struggling with these issues on a daily basis. We all want that happy ending, that miracle pregnancy, that happy adoption. But it isn't easy and it certainly isn't usually resolved in a quick or timely manner.<br />
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I wish that producers and writers actually understood and actually dealt with the problems in at least a realistic manner. It would do so much to further our cause and actually help educate people. We as infertile people do what we can to further the cause only to be set back by these portrayals that others take as gospel. It's frustrating, but true. Infertility has become the new black.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-91307911619162466942013-05-08T15:31:00.002-07:002013-05-09T16:21:23.611-07:00The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption Book Tour!!<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: small;">Welcome and pull up a chair, grab a nice cup of tea or coffee, and please help yourself to some of the goodies we have for this book tour. The book was written by the wonderful <a href="http://lavenderluz.com/" target="_blank">Lori</a> and is "<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Open-Hearted-Way-Open-Adoption-Helping/dp/1442217383/" target="_blank">The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption</a>".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: small;">The term “Real
Mother” or “Real Parents” comes up quite frequently in an adoptee’s life.
Lori suggests in her book that we see each set of parents (birth and adoptive)
as “Real”. Do you agree? How would you personally handle this
terminology? And are there other ways to effectively deal with this term if
used by your child or directed at your child by another? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: small;">As a step-parent, I frequently struggle with this terminology. My step-child's mother is her mother. I'm also her mother is many ways. We both have earned the title, but she calls her mother, Mom and me April. In terms of adoptees and their birth and adoptive parents, I see both as real mothers. The adoptive mother is the parent who is there for every step from birth forward, who loves this child with all of their heart. She is the day to day parent, the one who is there for the child at all times. This does not mean that the birth or first mother is not a mother. She was the one who was there giving the child life and laboring to bring the child into the world. She loved the child so much that she gave her child to another person to raise and love. I would not feel hurt or betrayed if a child that I adopted referred to their birth mother as their mother because it is true. I would also encourage and try to help the child understand the pieces and parts that made up their family so that they would feel comfortable answering questions and explaining about their family, because in an open adoption everyone is family.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: small;">Lori refers to the
relationship between adoptive parents and birthparents as similar to an in-law
relationship. Does thinking about the relationship as an in-law
relationship influence how you approach open adoption?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: small;">Looking at the relationship as that of an in-law relationship does make it an easier one to process. With your in-laws, you treat each other with respect and open your heart to adding these new members to your family. You don't always have to agree with the choices and decisions that they make, but you forge a connection with them because you both love their son / daughter. It's the same concept for a birth parent. You both love the child. You make the connection with each other because of the child. This doesn't mean that you have to love every thing that the birth parent does or that you have to agree with all of their choices. You still have the right to assert your thoughts and feelings as the parent of the child. However, treating the birth parent with respect helps keep the lines of communication open and keeps the child as the most important part of the equation. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2013/05/read-along-open-hearted-way-to-open-adoption/" target="_blank">Please return to the main post</a> to read more opinions on Lori Holden's <i>The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption</i>.</span> </span></span><br />
<br />Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-64420082010604589632013-04-18T09:20:00.001-07:002013-04-18T09:20:15.257-07:00I'm not dead, I swearIt's odd what happens when you step away from writing on something like this, even when it's unintentional like always seems to happen to me. At first it's just a week and a week isn't a big deal. Then two weeks, then a month. Suddenly you realize it's been since November and now it's the middle of April and you've been silent, living in your own little world and not letting out the things in your mind.<br />
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That's been me the last few months. Since deciding not to continue with treatments, I've been dealing with a whole host of emotions, few of them happy. It's not an easy road and coming to terms with the decision has been hard and continues to be hard. Infertility, it's not for the faint of heart. Each day brings its own challenges and its rewards.<br />
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For now, I am still here and I am coming back. In fact, I'll be back as part of the Barren Bitches Book Club reviewing <a href="http://lavenderluz.com/" target="_blank">Lori's</a> <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Open-Hearted-Way-Open-Adoption-Helping/dp/1442217383/" target="_blank">book</a>. If you haven't joined yet, you should. It's been an enlightening read for me so far and I am looking forward to the discussion that it will bring about.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-8996236120759302712012-11-19T09:55:00.003-08:002012-11-19T09:55:53.717-08:00Letter to myselfDear Me,<br />
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I know this weekend was rough. We decided that we weren't going to pursue fertility treatments because the cost is so high, the emotional strain too much, and the fact that we've been loosing ourselves in all of this. I know it was hard, but it's the right thing to do.<br />
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I wanted to tell you that choosing this path is not a sign of failure or that you gave up. I want you to remember that it's okay to not want to go through IVF. It's okay that we chose to not pursue our journey through treatments any further. It's okay to admit that it was hard, wearing, and so damned difficult on us. It was stressful and took so much joy from life. It was hard on P as well and he's suffered watching us suffer.<br />
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Remember that biology does not mean a child isn't yours. Look at J. She's beautiful, smart, funny, and as much yours as if you had given birth to her. If we choose as a family to pursue adoption at a later date, that's fine as well. But choosing to remain childless is not a failure. It's okay to not have a baby. It's okay to mourn and then let go.<br />
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For now, what we need to do is remember what we used to do when we weren't worrying about getting pregnant all the time and start doing those things again. We need to reconnect with our husband who has stood by this whole time. We need to learn to laugh again. It's time to let go and find our joy and learn to be our self again.<br />
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You are wonderful and you will be okay again.<br />
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Love,<br />
MeAprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-30762039327622301142012-10-19T18:23:00.000-07:002012-10-19T18:23:08.751-07:00RamblingsThe holidays are coming. Each year, I wish and hope so much that this will be the year that we'll get pregnant, that I'll be able to make an announcement at a holiday that we're adding to the family. Each year brings disappointment and sadness in that respect. This year will be no different.<br />
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At what point do we give up hope? I know other women get pregnant and have babies into their 40's, but I don't think that's the path that I'll follow. Do I go with the progesterone that was a 6.1 on day 21? Do I go with the fact that my AMH was tested but I wasn't given the numbers, but now Dr. Cool and the Gang want me to come in for a follow-up to see what protocol I should follow for the treatments we don't even know if we can afford since the price tag varies wildly between 6k and 12k with medications?<br />
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When we got married, I had stars and hope in my eyes. I was sure this was going to be easy, that I'd have a baby within a year or so. Now I'm looking at what is probably the end of my journey towards a child without ever getting the chance to try. It hurts. It hurts so much I can't breathe at times. It hurts so much that at times, I can't even cry. Other times, the tears fall unbidden at the site of something as innocent as a baby bootie left behind by a child who doesn't like to keep their feet covered. Seeing J's baby sister is a knife of unimaginable pain. I wish so much that we had been the ones to give her a sibling, to bring a new life into the world.<br />
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One of my co-workers who knows about our struggles has an infant son. She is of the well-meaning but clueless camp. She likes to tell me about how all I need to do is relax and I'll get pregnant so quick I won't believe how easy it was. When I try to explain that there are medical reasons that I'm unable to conceive, she tells me that the doctors are wrong and I should just be more at ease with myself. Ah, if only that were the key to all of our struggles, ignore the doctors and relax. Just think of how easily infertility could be cured!<br />
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As I've said so many times before, I wish that it was easier for us, that the miscarriage all those years ago had not happened. I want a child that calls me Mom. The fact that it's very unlikely to happen hurts. I wonder what I did to deserve this, but I know that it's something that happens, that I didn't do anything to cause it. I know that by the time spring arrives here, my journey will have ended one way or another. It's coming and the knowledge it may end up childless hurts.<br />
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<br />Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-91210529634414505052012-10-08T09:03:00.001-07:002012-10-08T09:03:35.963-07:00DecisionsI'm sure people have noticed that I haven't written a post in almost 2 months. There's a reason for it. P and I are talking about our path and we may be coming to the end of trying to have children. It hasn't been decided yet, but he's not sure that he wants to pursue treatments at this time. Since I'm 35, this means that our time for treatments is dwindling if we want to be realistic about our chances. We have discussed adoption, but he's not entirely sure that it is the course that he wants to pursue. Essentially, at this time we are in the same holding pattern that we've been in since 2009, stuck and going no where. <br />
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We also have to take into account the fact that the Young'un is 13 and a half. She's in 8th grade. This means that in the spring of 2017, she will graduate and be off to college. Do we want to be starting over with a young child with one in college?<br />
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I am still reading and sending good wishes to everyone. I do still want to share my journey. I just don't know which path it is taking now and until I do, I'll be maintaining radio silence.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-57906420056014179132012-08-09T14:04:00.001-07:002012-08-09T14:04:18.402-07:00Happy birthday to me?Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 35. It was a good birthday yesterday. Today, it all went straight to hell.<br />
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I had my follow-up with Dr. Cool and his merry band of medical students and fellows. The end result is that he recommends IVF because we had a bad SA once 2 years ago and my progesterone was low & my FSH was high once two years ago. We're now considered both male & female factor, even though all other numbers have been fine in subsequent tests. The only good news is that he doesn't recommend clo.mid at all. Thank goodness for small miracles. I'll take those where I can find them.<br />
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I'm in shock and have cried a lot of tears this afternoon. He uses ARC for most of his patients. This would seem to be wonderful at first look until the fact that any woman that has had a miscarriage cannot be funded through their main programs and can only do a fertility loan through them. I was actually excited about the fact that this could happen until I found the application that listed their requirements on it. Then the little bubble of hope popped.<br />
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P spent some time looking around and wants to think about grants and loans which is fine. I just feel completely and utterly discouraged at this point. I had hoped that we would have gotten unexplained and told to have lots of fun in the bedroom and that IVF would only be a possibility if that didn't work.<br />
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We'll probably spend quite a bit of time over the next several days talking about what are options are and what we want to do. I'm sure there will be many tears and even more wine. <br />
<br />I don't want this to end without a child, but I'm starting to wonder if it isn't in the cards for us. I'm wondering if one day we'll decide that we aren't going to try anymore and that there will be no babies to call me Mom, that I'll be child-free.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-65884887174006663772012-07-19T11:59:00.002-07:002012-07-19T11:59:41.859-07:00Results part 5?We have the SA results. And the numbers were better than last time.<br />
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34 million for the count, 63% for motility, and 13% for morphology.<br />
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Now, I just need to hear back from the nurses to schedule the follow-up and we'll finally be ready to see what the next steps are.<br />
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I might be a mom yet.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-3773489399631741432012-07-14T08:17:00.001-07:002012-07-14T08:17:43.178-07:003 weeks? Really?I see it's been 3 weeks since I last posted. I swear it wasn't intentional. I've just been busy and didn't remember to do something as simple as post. Granted, it's been that way a lot in the last few months, but this time I promise. I"ll post more. Really.<br />
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P has his SA on Tuesday. Finally, more progress. Starting over from the beginning is not my idea of fun. Of course, him taking several months to schedule his appointment is not my idea of fun either, but he is finally doing it so that is something.<br />
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I had a couple of phone interviews for jobs, but nothing came of them so I'm still applying and hoping. I am making use of the time off though. I'm making appointments for things that I never really have time for, like the eye doctor or the dentist because when I was working, I didn't have the time to take and the weekends are usually booked with the activities for the Young'un. However, I actually have time so I'm making use of it.<br />
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That's really all that is going on here. Everyone here is fine. Once I have the results, I'll share and once the follow-up appointment is completed, I'll share that as well.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-53066433368347487852012-06-21T05:42:00.000-07:002012-06-21T05:42:10.559-07:00ICLWWelcome ICLWers! I'm April and this is my little corner of the internet. I'm married to P and have a 13 year old step-daughter, the Young'un. Please feel free to poke around and stay a while. For a quick introduction, here's 10 things about me!<br />
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1. I love to crochet. Adore it.<br />
2. I play violin and teach it one night a week.<br />
3. I was recently laid off from my job, but I'm actually okay with this.<br />
4. I have 2 dogs, Indy and Bruno.<br />
5. I'm an avid reader and go through at least 2 books a week.<br />
6. My favorite shows are How I Met Your Mother, NCIS, Bones, Dr. Who, & Glee.<br />
7. I love to bake, but refuse to bake in the summer. It's too hot.<br />
8. I'm at the beach on vacation this week and I'm loving the break from reality.<br />
9. My favorite place to go is Dis.ney World. To me it really is the happiest place on Earth.<br />
10. I'm re-reading the whole Harry Potter series for an unknown number of time because I love it.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-7398020776145694442012-04-26T13:53:00.002-07:002012-04-26T13:53:50.940-07:00SHG & numbersToday was not a pleasant day in the stirrups. Today I had an SHG and a Fem-View. The results were wonderful and better than I had hoped to receive. The process to get there, not so much.<br />
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After arriving at the clinic and getting the expected negative pregnancy test, I then whiled away 2 hours at the hospital and then returned for the next stage of the program. This was a date with the ever popular dildo-cam. After determining that there wasn't going to be dinner, flowers, or even a drink before having my intimate encounter, I laid back, put my feet up, and then spent the next 45 minutes in great discomfort. <br />
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I was not prepared for that at all. After all, the HSG barely hurt. It just resulted in embarrassment from kicking the doctor in the head. I do actually feel bad about that, really I do. Okay, only a little bit bad after today.<br />
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After a very uncomfortable ultrasound where the nurse mentions how she didn't realize my uterus was so retroverted, the nurse practitioner came in and the fun began. First the speculum didn't want to fit properly. That was fun. The after that was done and the catheter in, the pain began. It was not fun. There was pain, pressure, and quite a lot of embarrassment. But the results were good for the SHG. No scare tissue, no polyps, no fibroids, and a nice good lining. YAY!!!!! <br />
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Then the Fem-View began. This added the fun of air and saline being pushed through the lady bits and added the addition of a male drug rep who kept requesting for everything to be shot through again so he could see it on the ultrasound. He also kept saying that I shouldn't be feeling anything while they were doing the test. My reply was something along the lines of "So says the person who isn't having it done.". The NP and the nurse both laughed. The drug rep was not amused.<br />
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The end result of the Fem-View (which saved me from another HSG) is that both tubes are clear. Dr. Cool gave me an A+ when he came in to review the results with me. In addition, I got my blood work numbers from last week. Estrogen - 5.5, FSH - 439, Lh - 1.8, prolactin - 16.5. All are within normal amounts and he is pleased.<br />
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The next step is for P to go and have another SA done. He's calling on Monday to set up his appointment.<br />
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This time, barring unforeseen circumstances like say, ear surgery, we might just have a chance to start treatments and maybe have a baby. Just maybe.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-14050017720717503542012-04-03T17:01:00.002-07:002012-04-03T17:05:59.100-07:00Back in the stirrupsWe started back yesterday. And by starting, I mean I spent almost 2 hours at the clinic to see the doctor for 5 minutes, his fellow for 10 minutes, and the nurse for closer to a half an hour. He keeps talking endo to me, but there's no evidence of me having endo. Right now, the plan is to re-do all of the initial testing, but instead of an HSG, he wants to do a Fem View in conjunction with an SHG (I guess he remembers me kicking him in the head), day 3 & 21 testing, and another SA on the husband. After that, we look to see the results and go from there. He's talking injectibles possibly. I'm hoping for no clo.mid because y'all, that shit sucks. So in around two weeks, I'll get myself to the lab and away we go. Maybe this time there will be a baby?Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-39887833178849317682012-03-15T05:47:00.002-07:002012-03-15T05:52:28.560-07:00Kitchen remodelWe're remodelling our kitchen and it sucks. I can't cook, there's no water in the kitchen because we have no sink, and the table is covered with stuff that belongs elsewhere. I also have trouble seeing the finished project in my head, though thankfully my husband does. So far the house from hell has been exactly that. Some of the things we've found have been very scary and concerning because they were things we didn't know existed and were buried under 2 or 3 layers of wall. The worst was an active outlet that had stripped wires.<br /><br />I'll post pictures once we get done to show how it changed. For now, please think of me and if you're willing, send wine. I need it for this one.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-11453272030506837882012-03-08T07:43:00.002-08:002012-03-08T08:14:25.732-08:00Advocacy DayAdvocacy Day is next month. This is something I want to do so badly, but I don't know if I can do it. I'm not a blogger with a large following. I'm not a high powered or high profile person. I'm an administrative assistant. I live in a state where I'm lucky to get testing covered under insurance. It will even cover drugs or surgery to fix infertility problems. But it doesn't cover IUIs, IVF, or any drugs associated with IVF. This is why I want to go and have my voice heard. States right next to me cover both IVF and IUIs completely.<br /><br />I want to be my own advocate. I want my voice to be heard. But my fear is that the legislators for my state won't listen. What if I'm not good enough for them to care? What if they really and truly don't ever care about the Family Building Act or infertility? What if we are never recognized?<br /><br />So this is my conundrum. If you have gone to Advocacy Day before, how did you feel both while speaking with the legislators and after? Did it help any in your home state? Please tell me about your experiences.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-11323198499359600192012-02-28T10:07:00.001-08:002012-02-28T10:12:45.870-08:00Back in the stirrups soonWe have a date for our return to the RE. My consulation appointment on on Apr. 2nd. Since it's been over a year, I have to start at the beginning. I'm okay with this. So back in to see Dr. Cool I will go and hopefully there will be options and we will get pregnant and have a live take home baby at the end of it all. <br /><br />I'm guessing it will mean clo.mid again and I'm not looking forward to that at all because clo.mid makes me crazy. P will have another round of SAs and probably a trip to the urologist if the numbers are as bad as <a href="http://cd1again.blogspot.com/2010/12/results-pt-3.html">last time</a>. He never did go back a second time.<br /><br />So we're heading back and hoping for our chance at a miracle.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-18157094380312456572012-02-21T05:27:00.000-08:002012-02-21T05:32:15.543-08:00The weekendIt was a long weekend for me, but a painful weekend. Originally, I was going to post on Sunday about how even at Tar.get, I had trouble finding stationary. That writing people a letter is a dying art and is becoming a thing of the past.<br /><br />Then we got the call. The call that the ex-wife was in labor and the new baby would be arriving soon. In that moment, my heart stopped again and the pain in my heart that has been healing for 6 months had the scab ripped off in one quick move, so quick I almost missed the blood. The baby has arrived, a healthy baby girl. The Young'un is dealing with it okay, but ev eryone was still in the hospital for at least another 36 hours because of the time of birth. That may change once the reality of a newborn is home.<br /><br />I'm doing okay, better than I thought I would. It hurts. I'm jealous. I can't avoid this baby as I take the kiddo home after dance twice a week. All I can do is pray that one day I'll have my own.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3776718502786513769.post-83877499275831525352012-01-31T08:43:00.000-08:002012-01-31T08:59:16.933-08:00Disney recapAt the end of last week, P and I ran off to Dis.ney. It was nice and warm in sunny Florida, much nicer than the cold of Pittsburgh. We ended up having a wonderful time, lots of really good food, and the added bonus of meeting the <a href="http://www.thehopefulelephant.com/">cutest little boy in the world</a> and his wonderful Mama and Papa and sister J.<br /><br />We rode everything we wanted at least once. We saw most of the shows that we wanted to see. We ate at most of the places we wanted to eat. Ep.cot is wonderful for food. I could eat there every day if it wasn't 1500 miles away and really not practical for my budget on so many counts. I came home feeling more relaxed and less stressed than I have in a long while. This was such a needed break.<br /><br />The only real damper to the trip was the CD1 hit on the third day we were there and we both had colds for the whole trip. I'm mostly over mine, but P's has developed into a man-cold and he's convinced he's going to die. Or at least be sick for weeks on end. However, he's planning on playing hockey tonight. Please explain to me how that works.<br /><br />So since I was a ways away from the clinic, I will be starting back with next month's CD1. This will put me starting treatments around the same time the ex is due. The almost teenager young'un is doing better about the coming baby, but she's still not thrilled. I'm not overly thrilled either, but she's more important in this equation than my infertility bitterness is.<br /><br />So that's what's been going on here. I promise to try and post more often. Really, I do. With the planned return to the stirrups, I'm sure there will be more to post soon as well.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08019827440946283439noreply@blogger.com0