Monday, November 19, 2012

Letter to myself

Dear Me,

I know this weekend was rough.  We decided that we weren't going to pursue fertility treatments because the cost is so high, the emotional strain too much, and the fact that we've been loosing ourselves in all of this.  I know it was hard, but it's the right thing to do.

I wanted to tell you that choosing this path is not a sign of failure or that you gave up.  I want you to remember that it's okay to not want to go through IVF. It's okay that we chose to not pursue our journey through treatments any further.  It's okay to admit that it was hard, wearing, and so damned difficult on us.  It was stressful and took so much joy from life.  It was hard on P as well and he's suffered watching us suffer.

Remember that biology does not mean a child isn't yours.  Look at J.  She's beautiful, smart, funny, and as much yours as if you had given birth to her.  If we choose as a family to pursue adoption at a later date, that's fine as well.  But choosing to remain childless is not a failure.  It's okay to not have a baby.  It's okay to mourn and then let go.

For now, what we need to do is remember what we used to do when we weren't worrying about getting pregnant all the time and start doing those things again.  We need to reconnect with our husband who has stood by this whole time.  We need to learn to laugh again.  It's time to let go and find our joy and learn to be our self again.

You are wonderful and you will be okay again.