Monday, December 28, 2009

No miracle here

I know I said I'd be back next year, but I wanted to give an update. Our hopes ended 2 days early on the day after Christmas. my consolation prize is that we did have Christmas before we found out. Today I took my first dose of clomid. I cried when I picked it up from the pharmacy. Well, I cried in the car afterwards. I didn't walk through the store with tears streaming down my face, though I wanted to do so. So for the next 4 days I take another pill and then we see where this leads. In my heart I know it's the beginning of the end. I just don't know what that end is yet.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Holiday baby? Maybe...

We will find out if this last unmedicated cycle works right around the holidays. Funny, 2 years ago it was around the holidays that we found out about and lost our only pregnancy. I have that little niggle of hope again. Why, I don't know. It's not like we have any real proof of ovulation. It's not like we really even tried this month. But I know the signs and we did hit in the right time period. But I can't really think that after 2.5 years a miracle is going to occur this last cycle with no real help. That would be too ironic and unlikely. So I'm sitting here enjoying a glass of soda (even though I'd rather have wine), remembering the child that was here for only a few weeks and that no one knew about other than its father and I. We never got the chance to announce the happy news. We barely had time to adjust to it ourselves. Maybe we will get lucky. Maybe a miracle will occur. After all, it is the season for it. Christmas is always looked at as a time for miracles here at my house. It's all that is on my Christmas list this year. A child for next Christmas.

Happy holidays to all of you out there in blog land. May you all receive your own holiday wishes. I'll see you next year.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Crawling out of the hole for a moment

Hello all. I am better, I am on a new cycle, and there is no clomid in my system yet. As stated in the previous post, we're waiting to get through the holidays for our sanity if nothing else. So this is my last unmedicated cycle. We then have 3 months to decide where to go if the clomid doesn't work. And the sad truth is we don't have a clue. On some level we think maybe a couple of IUI's. But our insurance doesn't cover that so it would be out of pocket. On another level, we think maybe adoption. But we aren't sure on that either. It's confusing and scary, and a whole new world that is ahead. But first, we try clomid.