Weekend musings

We did see a movie yesterday. We took the Young'un to see "How To Train Your Dragon". It was adorable. We don't do the whole 3d thing as 3d does nothing for the half blind husband. So we don't spend the extra money for that. However, we all enjoyed the movie. P also had a good friend who was visiting us for part of the weekend who joined us. He also enjoyed the movie. Today is a bazaar at the convent where P's aunt lives. This is the first time that the Young'un will have been there since she was a baby as the ex doesn't normally let us take her with us. However, it falls on our weekend so she gets to go and enjoy it as well.

In 2 weeks, it will be Mother's Day. I have very mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I love showering my own mother with gifts as well as P's mom with gifts. I love celebrating the women that gave birth to us and the struggles they went through to get us to adulthood. I wasn't perfect and I know P wasn't perfect. At the same time, the day hurts badly for the simple fact that I feel like an impostor when people wish me a happy Mother's Day when we have the Young'un with us on the way to drop her off at the ex's house. Yes, in someways I am a mother. I am legally her step mother. I have been there for the nightmares and accidents in the middle of the night. I've held her when she fell and I've carried her when she was asleep. I've kissed owies and bumps. I've given everything in me for this (not so) little girl who will soon be 11. (11?!? When did she get old enough to be 11?!?) Yes even though I've been a part of her life for 9 years, I still feel like an impostor because I have never given birth to a live child. I am incapable of having a child without medical intervention now. Something inside of me is broken and some days I think maybe the only child I'll ever have is this wonderful girl who goes back to her mother after our weekends and whom we see twice a week for dance. What if this is all the more I ever have? Will it ever be enough? Or will I always feel like the impostor looking in on what could have been if we'd of started trying earlier in life.