Monday, May 3, 2010

This past week, I read many new blogs. So many stories that are similar to mine. So many people who are feeling the same things as I do. Sometimes, I need the reminder that I'm not alone, that others are suffering with me, rejoicing in our triumphs, and sharing our sadness when a cycle fails.

My husband cannot understand why I read and blog. He thinks that it adds stress to my brain and worry to my heart. He's afraid that it causes me to be too hard on myself. He cannot see the support network because he's fertile. He thinks that I'm too hard on myself because I feel like I"m "broken" a lot of the time. I know he's worried because he cares. But he gave voice to a few "What IF" this weekend.

What IF my wife changes and never comes back because of all of this? What IF she becomes depressed and the strain of all of it hurts our relationship beyond repair?

I have been blind and selfish. I had become so wrapped up in my own problems, fears, and insecurities that I was shutting out the person who is in this with me. I had begun to shut my husband out to protect him from my own pain, perceived short-comings, and mild depression.

Infertility is hard. Each month begins with hope, but for many of us ends in sadness. Our partners are there with us in these struggles. But if we shut them out when they are our main line of support, where does this leave us?

I would not trade any of you wonderful ladies for anything. You come and read about my struggles and help me through the dark times. I have to remember to share the same with my husband. He is my best friend and he's afraid of losing me because I had allowed myself to drift away a little. Rememeber we are in this together, with those who love us best, no matter what.

2 comments:

Heather said...

Do it.

You're so awesome. I adore you. xoxo

KC said...

I can relate, I realized recently that the first thing I do when I get home from work is to log on to the computer and search for fertility related information (blogs/medical advice). I no longer cuddle with hubby on the couch because I have the laptop on my tummy and I am only half listening when he jokes around with me. I have now limited myself to 1 hour a night on the computer (including work emails). We are reconnecting and enjoying each other with undivided attention. I still don't talk to him about everything fertility related that goes through my mind but I don't want to continuously ramble on to him.