Friday, September 3, 2010

Reflections

The high and low point of the work week was seeing a co-workers 4 week old baby. He is beautiful adorable, perfect, and made me want to curl into a ball and sob because we've been trying for over 3 years and have nothing to show for it.

I'm trying but it's getting harder and harder to pretend that I'm happy at baby showers and around newborns. I'll be attending 2 showers this month. There are two more coming this winter that I know of. People that had their first less than 2 years ago are now expecting their second, and I haven't even had my first. I'm beginning to feel like maybe all I'll ever be is a step mom and that I'll never hear a child call me Mommy. And that thought terrifies me. I want to be a mom. I want to have the sleepless nights followed by the moments when you look at this tiny perfect child and just stand in awe of the life you are protecting, nuturing, and helping to grow.

It's hard, this road of infertility. It's taken a toll on my physically and emotionally. It's caused my wonderful husband to be worried about losing me to depression. It's caused me to wonder if I'll ever find the person I was before this journey again. I know I'll never be the same because of it, but some days I wonder who it is I've become. I don't recognize myself at times. It's not that I look different. It's more that sometimes the pain inside shows through to the outside and there's a lot of pain and hurt rolling around inside. Emotions I have trouble speaking about, so instead I'm letting my fingers do the talking and hoping that writing it out will help.

Sometimes I wonder how this will end. Will we find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Or will we be left with a house too big for primarily two people? Will I ever see a child off to their first day or school? Help a child figure out how to talk to their crush? Go to the park to play on the swings with a toddler? Or am I doomed to always look at things from the outside and wonder what it would be like?

4 comments:

Heather said...

You are amazing.

You are vulnerable and honest and beautiful. And, if you ever just need a friend, you know where to find me.

xoxoxox

MK said...

I think all of us infertiles become different people. I wonder the same things as you. I've been doing better emotionally lately but I still wouldn't be able to go to baby showers. You're tough!

waiting for baby said...

You are so right. I can't believe you have the stregnth to attend baby showers! You are so strong!

*Jelly Baby* said...

Yeah, I can't believe you go to baby showers either. I am past the nice phase.

It is very difficult being on this side of the fence, and I often wonder whether I'll survive. You hang in there.