Thursday, July 1, 2010
6 days late and a BFN
I broke down and tested this morning. It was negative. The last 5 days I've lived in a haze of hope. Yeah, I dared to hope. I hoped enough to actually buy a pregnancy test. There hasn't been one of those in my house in almost 2 years. And this morning, full of hope and sure I was going to see that second line, I did my thing and waited and saw only the contol line. So I took my shower thinking it just needed the time to finish processing. After all, the directions say it can take up to 10 monites for all results to appear. Yeah, when I was done showering (quickest shower ever I do think), it was still negative. I was fine drying my hair and getting dressed. But when I told P, the tears started and it took until I was halfway to work this morning for them to stop. I'm not sure what I was crying over, the loss of my hope, or the loss of his hope. Because it appears he had started to hope and think we had gotten lucky as well and hearing him admit that made me hurt even more. I had hurt my husband because I failed at this whole getting pregnant thing again. And this time we actually had almost a week to start to dream. I had thought about how to tell our parents. Yeah, that's how deep into the fantasy I had bought. I was starting to look forward to my cousin's baby shower next month because I could almost see mine as well. So no big news here. Just a pile of hurt and disappointment. I guess you could say it's all over but the bleeding at this point. That part of the negative still hasn't graced us with it's presence.