Worries

I'm scared about tomorrow. I don't know what this HSG is giong to reveal. I didn't expect to find out I had a cyst last week and now I'm worried that we're going to find blocked tubes or walls, or who knows what. P is being very blase' about the whole thing and it isn't helping. I want him to hold my hand and tell me it's all going to work out and things will be fine. I want him to come with me tomorrow for moral support. But instead I'm going to the hospital alone, getting the test done alone, and then driving myself home. He's still considering the days for when he'll go in for his own test.

Why do I suddenly feel like a comeplete and total outcast again? I thought I was past this. I share about what's going on with friends. I'm not ashamed about the fact that we dwell in the Land of IF. Yet suddenly as the testing begins I want to go and hide in a corner and pretend that none of it is real.

I think part of my problem is the fact that my high school reunion is in August and with that will come the inevitable questions about children. Are we having any? Do we have any? Plus I'm sure there will be pregnant bellies and new babies as well just from what I've heard through the grapevine and from the couple of people I actually stayed in contact with over the years. Maybe I'll be lucky and be knocked up and keeping a secret at that point in time. And maybe pigs will fly as well. I don't think that little miracle is going to happen, but maybe I'll be wrong.