Thursday, January 14, 2010

I have a confession

Bless me IF sisters, for I have sinned. 1 year ago I bought yarn to crochet a baby blanket for the baby I was sure I would have by now.

Yes, I know. Buying things for babies of your own when infertile is a huge taunt. Yes, I knew this when I bought it, but I was in denial and the yarn was so pretty, and it was on sale. This is how I rationalized my purchase. I can be very rational in my own mind when yarn is on the line. However, I am confessing this sin now because last night after a nice huge fight with my husband, I went to my stash of yarn to pull out something new and pretty to start a project, even though I have 4 other projects in various stages in my crochet bag at this very moment. When I went to my stash, most of what I found were balls of cotton purchased to make baby bibs for presents (Yes, I make handmade baby gifts. I am truly a glutton for punishment), several hanks that needed wound and since I have no swift and I wasn't about to ask the man who had just pissed me off to hold it for me, those were ruled out, and a bag of yarn for a baby blanket. My baby's blanket. I pulled out the yarn and cried over it. Sobbed actually.

This of course brought about another fight with the husband. Why was I crying over some silly yarn? It was just yarn. He didn't understand that it was what the yarn symbolized. He didn't understand that I wasn't crying over the yarn, I was crying over the baby we didn't have while standing in the nursery that isn't a nursery. It's the computer room / junk room / non-existent spare bedroom. Last night it all hit me. Tomorrow I go for my day 21 bloodwork to see if the clomid caused me to ovulate. Even if it did, I know that the cycle is a failure because we've both been to ill to even really want to make like a bunny, let alone actually be able to perform said act.

So please, bless me sisters for I am in dire need either of having my butt kicked for buying for a baby I wasn't even expecting or for absolution because it was bought out of hope.


Anonymous said...

Been there! The irrational/unexpected tears are part of this. It sucks. :( And fighting with DH is really the worst. I'm so sorry. I hope a good night of sleep and a new day help you through this really awful time.

Lots of people buy things for their babies before they're pregnant, do NOT beat yourself up about that!

Jaymee said...

we have all been there. i have an entire jumbo plastic tote, kept in the attic, that is FULL of stuff that i have bought for my non-existent child. keeping it away helps, out of sight out of mind type thing.

hoping today is a better day.

Heather said...

I have an entire tub of baby clothes that I will never need. Yet I keep them hoping the hubs will want to adopt again.

I think it's good to keep hoping...

Shannon said...

Yarn. Yes. I hear you. So glad I didn't do that.

But otherwise... I bought a pack and play, tons of clothes and some of the cutest overalls you've ever seen, an exersaucer, floor-time play things, etc etc etc.

And I gave them all away. They were used (I love thrift stores), but man did I cry.

Yarn would have been 1,000 times worse, because when you crochet your baby a baby blanket, you do so with all the love in the universe. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

Infertility really sucks ass.

Clare said...

Can so relate! I bought so much stuff for baby.... when there was/is no baby. And also.. confession time here! I am in the middle of knitting a blanket... which I keep telling everyone is a throw but secretly I want it to be a baby blanket... I am so heading for a fall with this one! But at least I have only just started to knit and I am quite slow so it will probably take me a long time... just like this long TTC road.... Hope you are feeling a bit better now... hugs.