Bless me IF sisters, for I have sinned. 1 year ago I bought yarn to crochet a baby blanket for the baby I was sure I would have by now.
Yes, I know. Buying things for babies of your own when infertile is a huge taunt. Yes, I knew this when I bought it, but I was in denial and the yarn was so pretty, and it was on sale. This is how I rationalized my purchase. I can be very rational in my own mind when yarn is on the line. However, I am confessing this sin now because last night after a nice huge fight with my husband, I went to my stash of yarn to pull out something new and pretty to start a project, even though I have 4 other projects in various stages in my crochet bag at this very moment. When I went to my stash, most of what I found were balls of cotton purchased to make baby bibs for presents (Yes, I make handmade baby gifts. I am truly a glutton for punishment), several hanks that needed wound and since I have no swift and I wasn't about to ask the man who had just pissed me off to hold it for me, those were ruled out, and a bag of yarn for a baby blanket. My baby's blanket. I pulled out the yarn and cried over it. Sobbed actually.
This of course brought about another fight with the husband. Why was I crying over some silly yarn? It was just yarn. He didn't understand that it was what the yarn symbolized. He didn't understand that I wasn't crying over the yarn, I was crying over the baby we didn't have while standing in the nursery that isn't a nursery. It's the computer room / junk room / non-existent spare bedroom. Last night it all hit me. Tomorrow I go for my day 21 bloodwork to see if the clomid caused me to ovulate. Even if it did, I know that the cycle is a failure because we've both been to ill to even really want to make like a bunny, let alone actually be able to perform said act.
So please, bless me sisters for I am in dire need either of having my butt kicked for buying for a baby I wasn't even expecting or for absolution because it was bought out of hope.