Holidays

The holidays are nearly upon me again. Yet again, I face another year childless. Yet again, I'll have the looks and questions from well-meaning relatives. The difference? This year I'm not going to let it get to me. Or if I feel like it is getting to me, I'm going to have a glass of wine or similar adult beverage and ignore them as best I can. This year, I'm determined to have a good holiday season that doesn't leave me feeling like the loser in the genetic lottery. I will find my happiness in the season.

Lonely

I'm lonely. There, I've admitted it. I don't have many friends who live near me that I'm close to so I don't go out often. Most of the people I see frequently are either co-workers or dance moms as the Young'un has been dancing since she was tiny. But I don't feel comfortable talking to these people outside of the context in which I normally see them. I feel like an imposter to the moms as I'm not a full-time parent. I'm only a parent in the eyes of the world two evenings a week and every other weekend, even though I worry about her constantly and miss her all the time. As for my co-workers, I see them at work. After that, we don't really have anything in common.

My husband is working crazy hours and we rarely see each other. When he does get home, all he wants to do is complain about his day and mine seems inconsequential in comparison. In fact, he doesn't even ask about my day often. It just doesn't seem important to him because he's so wrapped up in his own problems.

It seems I tend to spend most of my time in my own company, watching tv with my dogs. They like to fight over who sits on the couch next to me. I just want something warm to cuddle with in the evenings. I'd prefer human companionship, but it isn't always possible most evenings.

I know I'm lucky that he comes home each evening, that he loves me and we do spend time together, usually on the weekends. But damn it, I'm lonely and sometimes I want to talk to someone too.

I survived

I did. I feel like I've had my ear cut off and sewn back on (which in a way I did) and like a truck has hit me at different point during the last few days, but the ear surgery was a "technical success" according to my doctor. This means that once it's healed and I'm cleared to resume, we start back on the make a baby quest.

Would I do this surgery again if I had to (and there is a chance I may have to because apparently the rupture was significantly larger than expected) yes. Not because I enjoyed the process because didn't. but because I"m sick of ear infections. I don't know if I'll get all of my hearing back. We won't know that until after the hearing tests after it's had time to heal a lot more. That's a minimum of 6 weeks away.

For now, I'm hanging out at home for the rest of this week. I'm trying to take it easy and tending to fail a bit on that as I'm not used to just sitting around and not doing anything. Yet, i feel like I've been running all day long. Go figure.

Anyway, this is the promised after surgery update. The surgery seems to have gone well. I'll know more in about 6-8 weeks. Then, it's back into the proverbial saddle for Dr. Cool again.

Surgery is scheduled

9/20/11 and they are going to fix the hole in my head. I'm strangely fine with this, eyt at the same time the more I think about it the more the nerves are jumping around in the pit of my stomache. I'm even second guessing this. I need to get the hole repaired because the constant ear infections and hearing loss are not good things for me or my family. But this doesn't mean I'm not terrified of it as well. ARGH! I wish there was a crystal ball to tell me if everything would be fixed after this or not.

Welcome from ICLW!!!

Hello and welcome! My name is April. I'm married to P and we just celebrated our 4th anniversary this week. I have a 12 year old step-daughter, The Young'un. We have been trying to have our first child together for 4 years. We have two dogs, Indy and Bruno.

We are currently on a break because of ear surgery for me that will hopefully be coming soon to repair a ruptured ear drum It's a long story, but it's somewhere in the archives, I promise. We recently found out that the ex-wife is expecting a child in February and it's been driving me to drink since. I'm coming to terms with it slowly.

Thanks for stopping by and feel free to poke around the archives!

Happy ICLW!

Further afternath from Friday

I still haven't come to terms with the news, even though I've had a week to process and think and dwell on it. And think and dwell I have. Right now, I feel as though I'm in a fog and like my emotions are numb and packed away. My mind is a muddled jumble of thoughts that are all over the place and yet I can't seem to concentrate on any one thought for any length of time.

Right now, I find myself losing myself in either playing my violin or listening to songs that seem to match my mood. This has been how I've dealt with things before and I know that when the need for the music to which I'm listening begins to pass that my subconscious mind has processed everything and that I'm ready to talk about what's on my mind.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to come to terms with this before dance and school start up in the fall, if for no reason other than I will get to watch the ex grow weekly and swell with her fertility. Maybe I can convince P to do the majority of the drop offs / pick-ups? Though to be honest that isn't fair to any of us because I've been the main person at dance classes for 7 years and we both drop her off after she's been at our house most of the time. It's time together and I know in my heart that I wouldn't change that.

Time will help and time will make things easier and harder all at the same time. The reality is that in February there's a new baby coming into the dynamics of my life and I'm still not the mother and I won't be any form of a mother to this child. But I will do my damnedest to help the transition from only child to big sister for the kiddo. She deserves that and that at least I can do.

Happy Birthday to me

Today is my birthday. I'm 34. Next year I get tagged with "Advanced Maternal Age", if I ever manage to get pregnant again. I am determined that the news on Friday will not spoil my birthday. Determined I tell you. Tonight, I get to go out to dinner to the resaurant of my choice. I'll have cake. I'll smile. I'll enjoy today. Tomorrow is soon enough to dwell again.

Blogging 3 sheets to the wind

Or why I probably shouldn't be sitting down at the computer and typing after I've been drinking. The ex-wife dropped off the kiddo tonight and made the announcement she is due in February. She left and I began drinking. I'm not a big drinker, but I'm still at it and may continue for a bit tonight. Just when I was starting to come to terms with this whole infertility thing, at least a little bit in my mind, the universe decides that I need smacked in the face with the reality that others get pregnant at the drop of a hat and after 4 years of trying, I've had no babies.

Damn it, this sucks. Happy birthday and anniversary to me. My husband's ex-wife is having a baby.

Vacation aftermath

Have you ever noticed how the relaxation from vacation doesn't ever last much beyond those few days right after a vacation? For me, I started losing the nice relaxed feeling about 15 minutesafter arriving home with the dogs and realizing I had to deal with the ex-wife at my house in less than an hour and the house was in it's pre vacation looks like a bomb exploded because of packing state. And not nearly enough time to get it clean enough for me to be happy with it. Add in returning to work and my nice happy bliss from vacation is gone.

My husband is still in relaxed mode. Somehow this doesn't seem fair to me. After all, shouldn't he share some of the worry about laundry, picking up the house, and general I still want to be on vacation feeling? Apparently not. Though it does have its benefits at times, usually in the evenings. And that's all we'll say on that matter.

We're back!

I've been kinda MIA for a while. Part of it was because we ran away to Disney World for a week. I have pictures, but I"m still debating if I"m going to put one up here on the blog or not.

Part of the break was because I needed to distance myself from blogging and complaining for a bit. Ironic since this tends to be the place that I vent my feeling most often. However, I missed talking and sharing with everyone so I'm back. I'm even going to do the August ICLW. I was kinda shocked to realize I hadn't done one since April. I guess this means I really need to get back in the swing of things, right?

So vacation was wonderful, the return to work was not so wonderful, and today is CD1. But it missed vacation and now P and I will start talking about when we start trying again. The surgery for my ear should be happening sometime in the next couple of months so I'll be able to start booking appointments with Dr. Cool again without worrying about surgery interrupting everything and possibly costing us a cycle.

I promise I will do better and will start posting more. Now that summer is beginning to wind to a close (even though the 90+ degree temperatures tell me otherwise), I'm looking forward to all of the Young'un's activities starting up again. It turns out, I get bored without something to do most nights of the week. Go figure.

I hope everyone is well. We're doing fine here too.

Day camp day 13

Okay, so I really kind of suck at this whole day camp blogging gig, but I'm trying. Actually, I haven't really been trying to blog. I'm trying to get through to vacation in 7 days because dammit, I NEED a vacation. I envy those in other countries that actually get more than 2 weeks of vacation. Because the US tends to be a bit miserly with time off, I have to ration my days to an extreme extent and use either 5 or 6 days for the "big" vacation in the summer and use the remaining days throughout the year on an as needed basis. This actually does segue into the point of today's assignment - Day 13 – Tell us about the best job you ever had, and the worst. Do you ever blog or read blogs while at work? Do you ever quote or reference blogs while at work?

The best and worse job I ever had was actually the same job. I worked as the office manage for 2 parking garages. For the longest time, there were 3 of us who had worked together for years and we had everything running smoothly and had lots of down time in the office and we were more like a family. Then my bosses both left and a new GM came in and a new boss at my office started. The new office boss was fine and we still had a good working relationship and everything ran smoothly. The new GM was not so good. After several changes for the bad, my job became a source of stress and began making me miserable. Two years ago, I resigned from the position with the blessing of my husband and within a couple of months found my current position.

As for blogs, I do read them at work and I do talk about them with my husband, but I don't quote or reference them at work. I also frequently blog from work. In fact, I'm writing this one between e-mails and projects today.


Read more: 31 Days of Blog Juice at Creating Motherhood http://creatingmotherhood.com/2011/06/28/summer-camp/#ixzz1RzQ0CFcF

Blogging Day Camp Day 6 / Day 3 - Last time I tried soemthng new

Day 6 – When was the last time you tried something new? What was it and what was the result? Have you ever done something just so that you could blog about it?

I've spent a portion of today contemplating this question and the truth is I'm not usually one for trying new things. I did blog about some new music I discovered a couple of weeks ago, but that's about it for new things I've tried. Even then it really wasn't a stretch because I enjoy that type of music already.

What this tells me is that I've fallen into the proverbial rut and I need to go out and try something new and different, be it a new way of fixing my hair, a different color of polish for my toe nails (I tend to wear either pink or lavender), or even something really crazy like a new food. I need to push myself to try new things or else I will stagnate as a person and I don't want to do that.

Read more: 31 Days of Blog Juice at Creating Motherhood http://creatingmotherhood.com/2011/06/28/summer-camp/#ixzz1RLTk3WH9

Summer camp day 5 / day 2 (for me)

Day 5 -What do you prefer to do on your birthday?

On my birthday, I like to spend it with friends and family at a party for me (yes, secretly I am a 13 year old girl at heart) and to go out to dinner for seafood. Normally, this isn't quite what happens.

Most of my friends and family are fairly far-flung so there is no party. My husband isn't one for thinking of something like this to plan for me, but he appreciates it when I do it for him or for the Young'un as I plan parties for both of them. I haven't had a cake in years unless I buy it for myself. Last year was a cupcake with a candle in it that I bought for myself because it was my birthday and dammit, I wanted cake of some kind. Because my birthday and anniversary are only 10 days apart, we do 1 dinner to celebrate both of these so it's less of a birthday celebration and more of a general going out to a nice dinner kind of thing.

This year, we're going to Disney World a couple of weeks before my birthday. I've already informed my husband that we will be celebrating my birthday at Disney and that I want a cake. We'll see how it all pans out when we head off there in 15 days. (Not that I'm counting or anything)

Read more: 31 Days of Blog Juice at Creating Motherhood http://creatingmotherhood.com/2011/06/28/summer-camp/#ixzz1RFY44PIO

What has most surprised you about being an adult? What have you learned about yourself through blogging?

Today is Day 4 at Calliope's Summer Blogging Camp. I'm a bit late to the party so I'm starting on Day 4. Today's assignment is What has most surprised you about being an adult? What have you learned about yourself through blogging?

The thing that has surprised me the most about being an adult is how little I actually feel like I'm an adult. Somedays I really expect someone to show up at my house and ask for my adult card, if I had such theoretical card. I pay bills, have a mortgage, have car payments, responsibilities, all that wonderful adult stuff, but I still feel like a kid playing dress-up most days. Yet other days I feel

As a blogger, I've learned that I'm a very bitter infertile lady most days. Yes, there are times when I'm not bitter and things are all puppies and rainbows. Sadly, most of the time I'm wallowing in pity and wishing for what I don't yet have. This is what I've learned about myself as a blogger so far. It also gives me a goal to change so that I'm not always such a bitter person.

Read more: 31 Days of Blog Juice at Creating Motherhood http://creatingmotherhood.com/2011/06/28/summer-camp/#ixzz1REk6wBIu

Theme Song Thursday

A while ago, Heather tried to start up Theme Song Thursday. Sadly, it didn't take off, but it does cross my mond frequently. Below is the link to the Mumford & Sons song "Little Lion Man". I've only recently found out about this badn though they have been around for a few years. Yes, I do tend to be behind the times. They played on the Grammys and I found them 3 weeks ago. However, right now they are one of the groups I'm listening to a lot. This song is a reminder to me that if I'm not careful, I can hurt those that are closest to me in this journey through IF. So, what's in you? What's your theme song this week?

Little Lion Man

Men really are from Mars

A fair warning about this post. I'm about to rant about my husband and our differing views on infertility. I love my husband dearly. However, he really does seem to know the best way to push all the buttons that will spark a fight. This isn't something he does often, but he did manage it this weekend.

Did you know that I am obsessive about infertility because I have researched it? I didn't realize that wanting to know what was going on in my own body and why things weren't working right was a bad thing. I'm also apparently all consumed with wanting a child and this stress MUST be what is causing the main problem. Apparently a low sperm count and poor morphology doesn't contribute to the problem at all. Go figure.

Apparently, I also need therapy because I'm unhappy that we aren't able to have children. I guess I must have missed the rainbows and puppies stages of all of this. Did someone see a unicorn around? I hear they fart glitter on us infertiles and that will solve all of our unhappiness.

I should also ignore the fact that time is running out for us to have children. He actually pulled out examples of celebrities having babies into their late 40's. Yep, he went there. Add in the fact his cousin's family is being built through IVF (which he thought was actually IUI) and everything worked out the first time with twins and 3 frozen embryos to boot. I admit to being jealous that it worked, but I also listened and understood everything when they were telling us about the 5 IUIs including 3 rounds of injectibles and that was after several rounds of clomid. But he thinks we have all the time in the world and that 1 round of any kind of assisted fertilization is going to work perfectly and give us the family of our dreams.

He's also decided that since clomid does such evil bad things to my brain (and he does have a valid point on that one because clomid does make me crazy) that if the RE prescribes it, he doesn't want me to take it. So he's now an RE, but doesn't know the difference between an IUI or an IVF.

Add in the fact he was spouting off about how I'm too stressed and stress make people infertile and how I shouldn't be reading blogs or looking things up so that I can be informed about my health, it ended up being one heck of a blow-up.

The end result is that he now wants me to tell him what I need him to do to help me. When I said that I would appreciate help around the house as it would ease some of my stress, I was told he meant emotionally. Go figure. I said coming to the appointments would be helpful as I hated feeling alone at Dr. Cool's office. That was shot down because he doesn't have the time for that kind of stuff unless I can schedule after business hours. So essentially, he wants things to continue as they are, but he wants a pat on the head because he offered to help me even though he shot down all the things I said would help me.

In conclusion, I feel like men are from Mars in the infertility world. I know there are some wonderful men blogging about it out there. I have shared your sites with my husband, but he doens't feel like they are what he needs at this point. So we continue to muddle through and I'll continue to research, read blogs, and seek support from the ALI community.

Monday, Monday

I have a major case of the Mondays today. However, for once none of it is related to infertility. Yeah, I know. It shocked me too.

My day so far has consisted of leaving my lap top at home and realzing it when I was less than 5 minutes from work. I had to go back, get it, and then get back to work. Then I left it in my car and had to go back to get it from there. Total time lost: 1.5 hours.

After 2 days on vacation, I was greeted with an e-mail inbox full of things. Each person who had e-mailed felt that their request was the most important thing to which I should be giving my attention. Needless to say, some people were a bit disappointed that they weren't quite as important on the list as they thought they would be.

Now it's lunch time. My lunch? It's at home too.

Maybe this is a sign that I should have stayed home today?

Tea exchange idea

Last week, Mel mentioned talked about her recent exploration of new teas. This got me thinking about a tea exchange I had participated in with another group through Ravelry. Would anyone be interested in participating in something like this in the ALI community?

I'd be willing to organize this and set up the initial list and outgoing tea box. Things included in the other exchange were teas of all different kinds, chocolate, tea theme related gizmos and gadgets (a cozy, an infuser ball, bookmarks, etc.), Kool-Aide, and hot chocolate. Because it was also for a knit / crochet board things like yarn, patterns, stitch markers, and other yarn-y type items were also included. I would be open to ideas for additional items to be included for a more ALI themed box.

Proposed Rules of the Box
1. You may take as little or much as you want. The only requirement is to put back at least the amount of what you take. (here maybe add that yarn & small knitting/crocheting knick-knacks are also acceptable).
2. Please try to keep the box only one week, and contact me if it will take longer.
3. Every time the box is sent out there will be delivery confirmation purchased with it. I leave to your discretion on whether you want to ship by parcel post or priority, but delivery confirmation is only about seventy-five cents and a must.

If anyone is interested, please comment on this thread or e-mail me at april.pachuta@gmail.com

The infertile hell

Also known as the baby department. If you are wondering why I was there, again, it's because of the baby shower next weekend. I thought I'd be able to do it this time without feeling the pain and the desire to break down into tears. I was wrong.

All of those cute little outfits, the toys, the bedding, the hopes and dreams. All of it there, beckoning and calling to me and so far from my reality it's sad and crushing. I walk into the store ready to face all of it, sure that since it's for a fellow infertile I can do this. Yet again, I leave with a sad filled heart, yearning for what is so far out of reach.

I have a bag filled with small items of clothing, with blankets ready to wrap newborn babies. I will find 2 cards, make 3 blankets, make 3 pairs of booties. I'll smile, fill the presents with love, and try and celebrate the coming new lives into our family.

And I'll die a little more inside while I do it.

A post in bullet points

• Spring has sprung here in Pittsburgh. There are flowers, leaves on the trees, birds nesting on my front porch. Okay, so the bird on the front porch isn't a great sign of spring. Mama Bird likes to dive bomb people as the enter or leave the house thinking we're after her eggs. But the rest of it is good.



• I'm trying to approach spring with a better attitude than I did winter. I want to embrace the new life all around me. I want to embrace the warmth. But at the same time, I was sure that I'd be expecting a baby by spring. After all, I was going to the RE last summer at long last. Obviously, it hasn't worked as there's been no treatment yet.
  



• A woman I used to be in a book club with recently miscarried her pregnancy. Part of me wants to invite her here, to our corner of the world for some support and love. But at the same time, she has a 4 year old and got pregnant with her second in only 2 months of trying. The miscarriage took place at 10 weeks. It actually happened over a month ago, but I have no clue about how to reach out to a woman who announced a pregnancy at 8 weeks that was showing growth restriction. I can't imagine announcing a pregnancy at 8 weeks. Hell, I can't imaginge announcing a pregnancy at this point in time.



• Mother's Day was really rough, but there were no tears, no tantrums, and only some regret that it wasn't how I thought it would be this year.



• I have a doublebaby shower for a set of twins and a singleton to attend in 2.5 weeks. I found out about it on Saturday. One of the mothers (the one with twins who I don't resent because she's one of us and they are IVF twins) has requested blankets and booties made by me. I'm now trying to figure out how I"m going to get 3 blankets and 3 pairs of booties made in 2.5 weeks with a birthday party for the young'un this weekend.



• P and I have talked recently about me being able to stay home instead of working. part of me loves the idea of being able to stay home and not have to worry about work and take care of my family and work towards having a baby. The other part of me is questioning if we really could make it work and if I could really give up my independence in that way.

That's really about it. Any of these is worthy of a post, but my brain is too fried to write it. I will make my way back and start posting again soon. I promise.

Me and my ruptured ear drum

I've gotten lots of questions about this so here's the information that I can share about my experience with it.

1. It sucks, a lot. Not because I'm in pain. I actually only have pain in the ear if it is infected. Currently, it is not. It sucks because I have lost over half of my hearing until it is repaired.

2. I can't hear people clearly when there is more than 1 person talking. It really makes family gatherings / work / anything involving people difficult. Restaurants are very difficult for me because I can't follow conversations right now. The theme park will be impossible unless the ear is repaired before then.

3. When it is repaired, the doctor is going to graft skin over the damaged ear drum to replace what is missing. This should restore most if not all of my hearing. however, it will involve at least a week off of work and lots and lots of antibiotics to keep the ear from getting infected and causing the graft to fail. In this case, failure is really bad and puts me below square 1 on the ear.

4. I now turn the TV up really loud because overall, I am now missing a measured 50% of my total hearing.

5. I now can ignore my husband by turning a deaf ear to him. I tell him it's revenge for all of the years of selective hearing I've dealt with from him.

6. I also have tinitus in the ear constantly. So my ear is ringing constantly and it can be distracting when it gets very loud.

7. If it isn't fixed before Disney, the good news is that it won't affect my ability to fly. Since I have no ear drum, there is no worry about the pressure equalizing.

So that is the story of my ear, my need for surgery, and the biggest reason we are currently on a break. Though Disney is a very close second.

ICLW

Welcome to my little home on the internet. I'm April. I've been happily married to P for almost 4 years. I have an 11 year old step-daughter, The Young'un. I have 2 dogs, Indy - a lab mix and Bruno - a bloodhound / shar pei / shepard mix. Both are large, overly friendly, and my furry babies who really are convinced they are little tea cup poodles, not 80+ and 50+lb dogs.

We began our journey to having a child on our wedding night. We suffered a miscarriage of our only pregnancy in January of 2008. In December of 2009, I started clomid. We did 4 unsuccessful rounds of clomid. June of 2010 brought the RE and me kicking the doctor in the head during my HSG. December of 2010 brought P's first semen analysis and bad news with the results. After the first SA, P never scheduled a follow-up visit. He's not fond of the thought of fertility treatments and is being a bit of an ostritch about it at this point.

Currently, we are on a break. I have a ruptured ear drum that will require surgery to repair and we're off to Disney World in July so we have opted to hold off until after both of these events occur. I am still researching options and keeping an open mind about what path to walk down to pursue a child. He is slowly getting to that point as well.

Thanks for stopping by and happy ICLW!

Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed.: An Open Letter to PETA

And Keiko still says it more eloquently than I ever could. Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed.: An Open Letter to PETA

WTF PETA?

Okay, two posts in day, but after reading Keiko's post about how PETA is "celebrating" NIAW by offering a free vasectomy? I have to ask W.T.F.? Why should these fucks (Please, excuse the language, but this post is going to be full of it .) at PETA who could care less about humans offer a free vasectomy? To save the humans from overcrowding animals? Why not offer free spay / neuter services for dogs and cats like the ASPCA? Why not help with re-homing animals who are strays or abandoned? No, in the eyes of PETA, the best way to help animals is to honor National Infertility Awareness Week by giving a man a free vasectomy. And you know what's worse? Someone somewhere will think this is a fucking brilliant idea and will tout it as them doing their part to help save the environment and animals from the evil humas. Fuck, but this pisses me off.

Disney

Or how I'm spending my summer vacation. The young'un's dance school was chosen to get to dance one day at the Ma.gic King.dom this summer. This is a huge deal and is what we are doing for vacation this year. However, I haven't been on Dis.ney property in 20 years and I know a lot has changed since then. Any advice? I also have questions and I'm hoping someone out there in internet land will have answers. Our agency essentially told us that they did not book the dining plan. And that we couldn't have the dining plan because one day would be tied up with dancing. It turns out that I'm a bit of a researcher and I've since found that actually, it doesn't matter if we can't make plans for one day that we can use these things at any time in any order, as long as they are used before we leave on the last day of the trip. Would Disney let us add this on our own at all? Also, what are the really cool things we shouldn't miss? Since we're at about 4 months out, I'm now going into hyper planning mode because we finally found out the day we're dancing so we can now make plans. I'd of preferred to know this in December, but that wasn't quite how it worked so now I'm scrambling and hoping against hope that some kind souls here on the interwebs can help. So please kind people of the interweb, please help a frantci Disney fan who really wants to make the most out of her vacation in case it's another 20 years before we get there next.

The definition of family

This weekend, the young'un was at our house. She's with us every other weekend and a couple of evenings a week for her dance classes. This means that for that period of time, I'm the mother figure in the house. According to my mother-in-law, I play house for those times, but that's another post in itself.

The conversation came about while we were driving around on Saturday after her play rehearsal and before the evening performance for her dance school's spring ballet. Since P was helping his dad do some things, it was just her and I for most of the day. Since we had errands of our own to get done, we spent a significant amount of time in the car. This tends to be where most of our talking occurs now as she's 11 going on 30 and is in tears over some slight (real or imagined) a large portion of the time at home. This is not just at our house, but everywhere. This weekend, she was dwelling on my place in her life vs. her step-father's place in her life.

How does one explain the intricacies of step-parenting to a hormonal pre-teen who is looking for someone to make life nice and simple, but still treat her like a grown-up? It isn't something easy to explain. I had to somehow explain to her that she was the child of my heart, but that I understand that I'm not her mother. I'm her step-mom and I don't want to take her mother's place when she's with us. I'm her friend, one of her parents, and someone who loves her very much. But at the same time, I have to make her understand that I would love to have been her mom, lest I make her think I don't love her like a mom. She's a complicated child and it's a complicated subject.

This has now gotten me dwelling on family. How do you define family? Is it by genetic relationship? By law? By choice? Do you have friends who you feel like are your family and family you'd rather forget ever existed? As an infertile woman who wants to build her family, this subject nudges at that nice tender spot in my heart that's never completely healed each month. We all know the one. It's the one that gives us hope of a baby, of a miracle of our own in some way. But in some ways I have a miracle, but the miracle is only mine for brief moments at a time and then she flies back to her other home.

Four letter words - the IF version

This weekend, as I was silently muttering and cursing under my breath about some real or imagined slight from my husband and step-daughter (PMS. It's a bitch.) I started tho think about what the equivalent of swear words are for those of us suffering through infertility. What are the words that are breathed in reverential terms or have caused us to cry?

The first word that comes to my mind is hope. Hope is a 4 letter word, both literally and figuratively. Hope can lift us up, but it also lets us crash down hard when CD1 arrives. Hope - the ability to ignore the fact that a low sperm count, inability to ovulate, and sex at the wrong time can still lead to a biological child in that cycle. I've fallen prey to it countless times. Each month, it creeps in and then, pulls the rug out from under me.

The second word is period. The dashing of hopes, the end of a cycle. The sign that yet again, anything we did would not end with a baby in 9 months. While not technically 4 letters long, I've been known to mutter it like the most vile curse word on more than one occasion.

Another set of words is baby shower. Nothing sets my heart pounding like a baby shower. The cute little invitation, the prospect of cooing over baby items, the mother-to-be, smiling and rubbing her belly with an almost beatific smile upon her face. The only reaso I go to these things still is because I'm still hopeful that one day I'll have a child as well and I really want the hand-me-downs.

Loss announcements. These bring the stark reality of the fact that even a BFP doesn't always lead to a baby. Each time I read one, it sends pain through me, wondering the what-ifs that plagued me after my own miscarriage.

Pregnancy announcements are by far the worst. I think those can be counted as swear words by infertiles. When one is made you have to fight back tears, smile and pretend to be happy, and make some kind of congratulatory statement. It's difficult, painful, and often just maddening. Invariably it's the 2nd cousin twice removed on your long lost Aunt Mabel's side that wasn't even trying, but oops! She's pregnant. Then she mentions that wouldn't it be great if you got pregnant right away as well? Then you'd be pregnant together and your babies would be the same age. By the end, your blood pressure has spiked, you're seeing red, and the last thing you want to do is be nice.

Just relax. How may times have we heard this. Just relax, you'll get pregnant right away. Who cares that your husband has no sperm. Who cares that you haven't ovulated on your own since high school. All you really need to do is relax. Apparently, it makes babies.

Another favorite that has been accorded 4 letter word status is "Why don't you just adopt?" Because it's so easy to wave a wand and have an adoption ready to go. Because everyone is called to adopt and then once they do, the magically get pregnant as well.

What are some of your infertility 4 letter words?

And the winner is.....

And the winner is comment #4 - The Knapps!!

Congratulations!!!!!

CSN stores giveaway!!!!!

I've been offered a free $35.00 code for the CSN stores for 1 lucky reader. Since we're in the process of updating the house, I took some time to look around their sites and found some really nice LCD tv stands. This has of course given the husband the desire to upgrade the tv, but I think I've gotten him talked out of it for now.

In addition to the tv stands, there are shoes (oh the shoes), home decor, things to organize your life. I know I'm in serious need of more organization at my house. The kitchen drawers alone are enough for my mother-in-law to cringe when she has to open them. Okay, that may be a bonus, but when I need a pen it doesn't help.

So whatever you are looking for, you'll have a really good chance of finding it at the CSN stores.

Giveaway ends on 3/13/11 at 11:59 PM EST. Winner will be drawn through random.org on Monday morning. Hey, it'll help improve the fact that most of us are losing an hour of sleep this weekend in the US.

Ways to enter (because we all know that's the important part, right?)

Mandatory Entry:
Visit CSN Stores and tell me how you would spend your gift code

Extra Entries:
Follow my blog through Google Friends Connect and comment to tell me you do (1 chance)

Follow CSN Stores on Twitter and comment that you do (1 chance)
Follow me on Twitter and comment that you do (1 chance)
Tweet (or facebook) about the giveaway and leave me a link to your tweet in a comment (1 entry a day) - Check out this awesome #giveaway from @csnstores and @cd1again http://bit.ly/ge4lvP

Blog about the giveaway and leave me a link to the post in a comment (3 entries, so 3 comments)

Good luck!!

Last night, we had a discussion about a new car for me. Now this isn't exactly new or earth-shattering at my house. My car is an 11 year old station wagon that's had more than its fair share of problems. The question now is do I get another station wagon or do I go back to driving a sedan. This is where my problem lies.

I started driving a station wagon 8 years ago. When I got my first one, it was with the dream of a house, a few dogs, and 3 kids to haul around to activities. It was a Vol.vo and it was free so while I didn't really consider myself a station wagon kind of girl at first, it grew on me. It carried all kinds of things, it went through snow like there was no snow. It did everything I never knew I wanted a car to do. Heck, it even had heated seats, impressive in a 1989 car.

Fast forward 2 years. We had bought our house and now had the Young'un more frequently and had 2 dogs. We're now engaged and I begin to allow visions of the family that I'm sure will happen dance through my head. Ah, how innocent I was of infertility then.

Two months before the wedding, my Vol.vo dies a hideous death of a blown headgasket. Since it was a 1989, we decided to get a new to me car. Enter the Suba.ru. This is my current wagon. It's been a money pit and will be replaced sooner as opposed to later. While I like my car, it is starting to cost me more in repairs than the car is actually worth. Hence, a new to me car is in my future.

This brings up the sedan vs. station wagon debate in my head. When I accepted a station wagon, I did so thinking I would be hauling a family and dogs about. Instead, I haul 1 pre-teen grl twice a week and both of the dogs occasionally. A sedan would open more options up because there aren't that many station wagons that look like something I would drive out at the moment. But a large part of me is afraid that if I give up the station wagon, I'm giving up my dream of a family. The husband is fine with another wagon. He is also fine with a sedan. Honestly, he doesn't really care either way because he wouldn't be driving it, I would. After all, he has his Envoy to haul anything and everything. It does in fact hold all the dogs, both adults, and 2 kids (The Young'un and one of her best friends) without even breaking a sweat.

So the question is am I giving up a dream by getting a sedan with a lot less trunk room and space for hauling things? Or is it just a smart move when we have something big enough to carry everything and everyone already?

A Good Dog

Six and a half years ago, we decided to get a second dog as a friend for our boxer-lab mix. The agreement was for a younger male dog. Instead, I brought home an older female dog. Her name was Daisy.

She was one of the best dogs I've ever owned. Her nickname was "The Smiling Bulldozer" because she would walk right through you, smiling the entire time. She was born without a tail, but would wag the nub that she had for all she was worth.



She had a heart of gold, unless you were a small fuzzy animal in her yard. Then you were toast. She would present us with at least 1 trophy each year. Once, she even hid one in the house because we kept taking them from her.



Last night, Paul and I had to put our dog Daisy down. She was 13 and a half years old.

Life From Scratch book tour

Welcome to everyone who is here because of the Life from Scratch book tour. If you haven't read it yet, you can purchase it here in book form and here in Kindle form. It was written by the wonderful Mel.

As a warning, this is my first time participating in a virtual book club. Please be gentle. On to the questions...

1. Blogging plays a key role for Rachel in the growth she experiences throughout the novel. How has blogging affected who you are and/or how you see the world?

Blogging has introduced me to a community of poeple who understand what it's like to be infertile in a world surrounded by fertile people. It's also opened my eyes to how each of us have been affected in the ALI community by our infertility or losses. It's helped me grow as a person and helped me become more understanding to others.

2. Rachel’s blog gets very popular when she wins a blogging award and she starts averaging about one hundred thousand hits per day. Would you want your blog to become that popular or would you prefer to stay smaller?

I'm of two minds on that one. Some days, I wish I had more to say and that I had the ability to be a great writer and have people want to come and read what I say. Some days I really wish I had things to say that were worth people coming to read. However, I'm content being a small fish in a really big blogging pond.

3. While she is trying to move on from her divorce, Rachel cleans out The Box- a box of sentimental mementos from her marriage. Do you have a Box of your own? What do you (or would you) keep in it?

I don't have a Box per se, but I do have a trunk. This trunk holds different things from different parts of my life that I have found special enough to want to keep. It has pictures, books, letters, cards, and other assorted things that have helped shaped me. These are things that have come with me through different relationships, several moves, and a lot of heartbreak.

To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at Write Mind Open Heart.

ICLW

Welcome to my little home here on the internet. I'm April. I'm married to P and I have an 11 year old step-daughter, the Young'Un. We also have 3 dogs - Daisy, Bruno, & Indy.

We are currently on a break, but please feel free to poke around and learn more about us.

Thanks for stopping by!

Bitterness

I'm finding myself becoming bitter and unhappy.

I'm bitter that I'm not pregnant.
I'm bitter that the chances of having a baby in 2011 is nearing it's close.
I'm bitter that the girls in my row are getting married and are planning their lives and have made their plans for how they will build their families and will most likely be able to do just exactly that.
I'm bitter that my husband won't consider a conversation about adoption and tells me that he's convinced we'll have a biological child and that starting the adoption process will be pointless.
I'm bitter that our insurance won't cover more than just testing.
I'm bitter that my husband is hiding his head under a rock about the fact that a low sperm count with poor morphology usually means that it's that much harder for him to get me pregnant.
I'm bitter that we don't have the money easily at hand to pursue treatments now and that we'll be saving for at least a year or more before he's willing to consider even an IUI.

I'm just bitter and unhappy. I don't want to be, but right now I am.

How do others find their way out of the black and unhappiness of infertility?

When?

When will it be my turn? I'm being lapped yet again. Friends who got pregnant right around the time I got married are in labor with their second. Other friends who married after we did are expecting their second. Sometimes it feels as though we'll never make it over the wall.

Fa.cebook g.ames and family building

I have admitted to my e-mail addiction. I'm also addicted to fa.cebook games. Oh yes, I have tried most of them at some point in time or another. Right now, I'm playing Frontier.ville a lot. I think it's because I can build the family that I dream of there. After all, you buy the missions, plant the cabbage, jump through a couple of hoops and POOF! There's a new baby.

I have Jamie, Ivy, and Tommy. Yep, I have mythological children. Since nature hasn't granted me the ability to create the family I have dreamed of, I guess I can thank z.ynga for allowing me to do this, right?

Argh

Tonight while watching my beloved Steelers win the AFC championship (after making me think we were going to lose it in the second half), my mother in law shares that two of my husband's cousins are expecting. One is expecting her third and the other who has also sufffered from IF is expecting twins. So now she's bound and determined to have me knocked up ASAP. Because it works like that you know.

GAH!

I am an e-mail-aholic

Hi. My name is April. (from the audience, "Hi April".) I am an e-mail-aholic. I obsessively check it multiple times a day, even though I know the chances are slim that anything has changes.

I check it first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening. I refresh, login and then logout again, only to repeat the process again 30 minutes later.

It's almost an obsession. I can't pinpoint when my addiction began, but blogging has made it worse. It makes me want to check my e-mail more often, just in case there's a comment out there.

And yet, I find I can go a weekend without even the desire to look at a computer, let alone check e-mail, face.book, or even blogs. Why is it Monday - Friday I feel a need to be constantly plugged in and the weekends I don't?

How I spent my weekend

Or why I'm on the way back to the doctor's today.

Sigh.

My ear is infected again. This came about because of a nice Saturday spent going through the "Vatican Splendor" exhibit at the history center. Apparently it is not good for what is termed a medically fragile ear to be in the vicinity of a few thousand people in close quarters in a very warm environment for 3 hours. If there weren't a big hole in my ear letting in all kinds of wonderful germs, I'd of ended p enjoying the weekend more.

The tour was wonderful. I enjoyed seeing the different artifacts and learning more about St. Peter's Basillica and seeing some of the works of art that were on the tour. As a non-Catholic person, it was very interesting to see the different ways that St. Peter and St. Paul were portrayed. Being raised Protestant and marrying into a very Catholic family (Have I ever mentioned that in my husband's family he has an aunt who is a nun, a cousin who is a nun, and another cousin who is a priest? No? Well, he does and it does create some interesting conversations at times.), at times I feel confused when they talk about different things and symbolisms during Mass when we attend church there. This helped shed some light on so many things and at the same time as a lover of museums it was fun.

Sunday I read a book. Not just any book either. I started and finished Life from Scratch by our very own Mel. If you haven't read it yet, stop, go and get this book, and do so. It was a fun, quick, and very enjoyable read.

Today I"m back at work, it's CD2, and I really need to call and schedule my SHG. I'm not looking forward to this and have been dragging my feet because of the ear and the fact it will require surgery. Since I'm almost out of sick days, it'll be fun figuring out how to get the leave approved for the surgery since one must take 6 sick days in a row. Hjowever, that's one for HR to help me with when the time comes.

So how was your weekend?

Jan. 6

Three years ago, I woke up feeling happy and excited. We were toying around with the idea of making an announcement at "Water Spaghetti" to P's side of the family, but decided to wait until we could tell both sets of grandparents at the same time. In hindsight, this ended up being a really good decision.

As we gathered everything together and made sure were were wearing our Steeler best for the afternoon football game at Auntie C.'s, I began to have some cramps. They were mild and I didn't think much of them since I'd been feeling the weird twinges and cramps on and off since I had my only positive peestick. As the day progressed, they turned worse and I began to spot. Then the bleeding began while we were at the dinner opening presents. We finished the evening with forced joviality with me being thankful that I hadn't emptied my purse yet and still had something for the bleeding. We took the Young'un home, stopped at a store, and I took a test. It was negative. You were gone, only tissue expelled as the week went on.

That first July was difficult as I kept seeing people with newborns everywhere. I wanted to be one of them. The second one was worse because I wanted to be planning your first birthday and wondered why so many others were blessed and we weren't.

We miss you. We love you.

Why aren't you here?

Jan. 3

Three years ago, I had begun making plans. Plans about how to tell my parents and my husband's parents that they were going to be grandparents. That evening, I noticed a little spotting, but wasn't too worried. After all, I was only 6 weeks pregnant and spotting is normal in early pregnancy. The internet told me so and since my own doctor didn't even want to see me for another month, so I wasn't worried. I should have been. Three days later, the world came crashing in and my baby was no more. If you ask the doctor, the baby never even had a chance, but I'll never know.