Friday, May 20, 2011

The infertile hell

Also known as the baby department. If you are wondering why I was there, again, it's because of the baby shower next weekend. I thought I'd be able to do it this time without feeling the pain and the desire to break down into tears. I was wrong.

All of those cute little outfits, the toys, the bedding, the hopes and dreams. All of it there, beckoning and calling to me and so far from my reality it's sad and crushing. I walk into the store ready to face all of it, sure that since it's for a fellow infertile I can do this. Yet again, I leave with a sad filled heart, yearning for what is so far out of reach.

I have a bag filled with small items of clothing, with blankets ready to wrap newborn babies. I will find 2 cards, make 3 blankets, make 3 pairs of booties. I'll smile, fill the presents with love, and try and celebrate the coming new lives into our family.

And I'll die a little more inside while I do it.


Anonymous said...

Sometimes I wish life would freeze while we try to dig out from this hell. Another shower, another heart break. Someday, it will be our shower and we will be jumping from the seams!!! Sending you strength.

Carmela said...

I've been in the exact same place emotionally. I'll soon have to deal with it once again for my sister's baby shower. It brought tears to my eyes when I saw a beautiful little hat and booties that I imagine my little niece soon wearing...I'm happy for my sister and excited about meeting my niece... but I'm sad for me.

Thinking about you and sending you a huge (((hug))).

By the way, I gave you an award on my blog :)

Alec said...

I speak from belief and experience when I say that I hope you can find your hope and belief again. I've written in the past that infertility has a way of ripping the soul apart. It is up to us to somehow repair the damage. I promise you are not alone in this journey.