Friday, August 12, 2011

Further afternath from Friday

I still haven't come to terms with the news, even though I've had a week to process and think and dwell on it. And think and dwell I have. Right now, I feel as though I'm in a fog and like my emotions are numb and packed away. My mind is a muddled jumble of thoughts that are all over the place and yet I can't seem to concentrate on any one thought for any length of time.

Right now, I find myself losing myself in either playing my violin or listening to songs that seem to match my mood. This has been how I've dealt with things before and I know that when the need for the music to which I'm listening begins to pass that my subconscious mind has processed everything and that I'm ready to talk about what's on my mind.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to come to terms with this before dance and school start up in the fall, if for no reason other than I will get to watch the ex grow weekly and swell with her fertility. Maybe I can convince P to do the majority of the drop offs / pick-ups? Though to be honest that isn't fair to any of us because I've been the main person at dance classes for 7 years and we both drop her off after she's been at our house most of the time. It's time together and I know in my heart that I wouldn't change that.

Time will help and time will make things easier and harder all at the same time. The reality is that in February there's a new baby coming into the dynamics of my life and I'm still not the mother and I won't be any form of a mother to this child. But I will do my damnedest to help the transition from only child to big sister for the kiddo. She deserves that and that at least I can do.

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

I am so sorry, ugh it's just awful and unfair. I hope your music gives you comfort and that this gets easier as it goes along.