Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Bitterness

I'm finding myself becoming bitter and unhappy.

I'm bitter that I'm not pregnant.
I'm bitter that the chances of having a baby in 2011 is nearing it's close.
I'm bitter that the girls in my row are getting married and are planning their lives and have made their plans for how they will build their families and will most likely be able to do just exactly that.
I'm bitter that my husband won't consider a conversation about adoption and tells me that he's convinced we'll have a biological child and that starting the adoption process will be pointless.
I'm bitter that our insurance won't cover more than just testing.
I'm bitter that my husband is hiding his head under a rock about the fact that a low sperm count with poor morphology usually means that it's that much harder for him to get me pregnant.
I'm bitter that we don't have the money easily at hand to pursue treatments now and that we'll be saving for at least a year or more before he's willing to consider even an IUI.

I'm just bitter and unhappy. I don't want to be, but right now I am.

How do others find their way out of the black and unhappiness of infertility?

15 comments:

Lindsay said...

I have to admit I have the bitter bug today too. Right now I do not have any nice suggestion. But I can say that I understand how you feel.

Michele said...

It took us 7 years after our miscarriage to see an RE. And 2 years to bring home living children, although we were lucky enough to conceive once we had help. I dont know what eventually gets you out of the hole and the dark place... But I know that eventually you do get out. Regardless of where leaving it leaves you. Hugs...

Nichole said...

I honestly can't answer that for you. For me the bitterness comes and goes. I am not sure if it ever goes away - even if we do get children in the end...I think we will always mourn to some extent.

amiracle4us said...

I had this day you are describing just yesterday. Unfortunately, it continues to linger and I am not sure how to shake it either. The best thing I have found is to stay busy, occupy my mind as much as possible. I understand the frustration you have regarding your husband and adoption, my husband won't talk about it either and it is very upsetting. We are doing our 3rd IVF cycle soon and I'd love to be looking into adoption JUST IN CASE IVF doesn't work to help me focus on a positive through it all but I can't with him being so adamantly against it. I am so sorry and know you are not alone.

womb for improvement said...

I go through phases when I feel hopeful (like now just embarking on IVF) but then if/ when it fails or there are delays it is really tough and you just have to ride it out. It doesn't help that our hormones conspire against us with PMT just as we realise we aren't pregnant ... again.

Allison said...

It's amazing how there are so many of us on very different journeys, yet we all struggle with the same feelings. I hope that this phase of bitterness will be short lived.

On a happier note, I have nominated you for an award on my site: http://itwillhappenwhenyoustop.blogspot.com
Come check it out and claim your award@

Rachael Lynn said...

You won't ever get over it. It will never go away. I wish it would, but I know for me anyway, it won't. I even found out last week that I am 6 weeks pregnant, but that is still not good enough. I fear every hour that I will go to the bathroom and see blood. Even though we can't get over it, we can deal with it. It's cliche, but look for the positive things in your life that you DO have now, because that's really all we can do! Hang in there!
*here for icomleavwe*

Elaine VanDRiver said...

Sending you love and light and the hopes for a happy ICLW week.

Heather said...

I've been feeling bitter too. I am really blessed to have my kids, but it hurts to log on to FB all the time and see who ELSE has ANOTHER child...and then complains about it. Sigh.

Hugs. Be bitter. I'll be your bitter twin. xoxox

Misty said...

Believe me, if I had a way NOT to be bitter and unhappy, I'd share it. Hi from ICLW.

Celia said...

I thought of all the things we could do and have in a life with no children. White carpet, convertibles, weekend getaways fragile and pointy ornaments. We got pregnant with only three cycles "left" because we just needed to declare an end point to our suffering- both financially and emotionally. I went to the minicooper website and designed my dream can and started planning a trip to Ireland. My husband did a 180 about adoption. Initially open to it, he changed his mind. My heart feels like there is another child out there waiting for us but we will never find it.

Liz said...

It is hard not to be bitter, infertility SUCKS! It is so hard to watch people get pregnant "without trying" or to try to finance the treatments. I go form bitter, to hopeful, to bitter and back again. I am a constant yo-yo.

ICLW #172

Jenni said...

The bitterness comes and goes, but it's at it's worst when you're farthest away from taking concrete action, or when said action has failed to produce the results you wanted. It may help to make a plan, set a timeline, and then try and stick to it.

Jenni - ICLW #12

Erica said...

Honestly, I don't think the bitterness ever can go completely away. I have a child, have experienced 12 yrs+ of IF and loss, am currently 31 weeks pg and I haven't gotten over the bitterness...there are so many things that make me bitter! Especially when everyone around me has "oops" babies...

WaitingVicky said...

Bitterness is something I struggle with a lot. Everyone says it goes away- but can come back, or only appears in stages. I hope you start feeling better soon.