No miracle here

I know I said I'd be back next year, but I wanted to give an update. Our hopes ended 2 days early on the day after Christmas. my consolation prize is that we did have Christmas before we found out. Today I took my first dose of clomid. I cried when I picked it up from the pharmacy. Well, I cried in the car afterwards. I didn't walk through the store with tears streaming down my face, though I wanted to do so. So for the next 4 days I take another pill and then we see where this leads. In my heart I know it's the beginning of the end. I just don't know what that end is yet.

Holiday baby? Maybe...

We will find out if this last unmedicated cycle works right around the holidays. Funny, 2 years ago it was around the holidays that we found out about and lost our only pregnancy. I have that little niggle of hope again. Why, I don't know. It's not like we have any real proof of ovulation. It's not like we really even tried this month. But I know the signs and we did hit in the right time period. But I can't really think that after 2.5 years a miracle is going to occur this last cycle with no real help. That would be too ironic and unlikely. So I'm sitting here enjoying a glass of soda (even though I'd rather have wine), remembering the child that was here for only a few weeks and that no one knew about other than its father and I. We never got the chance to announce the happy news. We barely had time to adjust to it ourselves. Maybe we will get lucky. Maybe a miracle will occur. After all, it is the season for it. Christmas is always looked at as a time for miracles here at my house. It's all that is on my Christmas list this year. A child for next Christmas.

Happy holidays to all of you out there in blog land. May you all receive your own holiday wishes. I'll see you next year.

Crawling out of the hole for a moment

Hello all. I am better, I am on a new cycle, and there is no clomid in my system yet. As stated in the previous post, we're waiting to get through the holidays for our sanity if nothing else. So this is my last unmedicated cycle. We then have 3 months to decide where to go if the clomid doesn't work. And the sad truth is we don't have a clue. On some level we think maybe a couple of IUI's. But our insurance doesn't cover that so it would be out of pocket. On another level, we think maybe adoption. But we aren't sure on that either. It's confusing and scary, and a whole new world that is ahead. But first, we try clomid.

And the result is.....

Normal! He has a normal count, motility, etc. This makes us very happy. However, this means clomid for me. And we have decided to start after the holidays because we don't want the added stress on top of everything else. My doctor has given us 3 months and then recommending a specialist. So that's where stand in the world of IF. As of right now, we are female factor, anovulatory. A result!

In other news, I became ill late on Thursday after everyone had left. I survived and avoided questions by hiding in the kitchen playing cards with my Dad, uncle, and brother. It worked well to my advantage. Today is the first day since Thanksgiving I've even been able to function. I missed most of ICLW because of being to ill to move from my couch unless it was to the bathroom or the bedroom. All in all, not how I had planned to spend my 4 day weekend. So today I join the land of mostly living with a fever that has finally gone to 99.0. I'll take that for today and here's to hoping tomorrow brings a normal temperature as I have to go back to work since I started a week ago.

Still waiting

It's been a week since the SA was dropped off according to the doctor's orders. We're still waiting. It seems like this wonderful land of IF is all about waiting. Just once I'd like to get an answer in less than 1 week or 4.

Today I noticed myself doing something. I've quit thinking of "when" for having a baby. It's now "if". This came about while sitting here in front of my computer looking around at the computer room. I was looking around and contemplating what color to paint the room. It's currently blue. All blue. Baby boy blue in fact. It was supposed to be the nursery. But since when we bought the house, we knew we were at least 2 or so years away from having additional kids so it became the computer room. The thought that came to mind was if we have a baby, I'll have to find a new place for my computer and all of the other junk that has migrated here over the years. Then it was if we have a baby we'll have to find a way to sound proof the young'un's room because it's right next door. Then it dawned on me, I wasn't thinking in terms of when, but if. This made me sad. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the coming holidays.

Speaking of holidays, we're hosting turkey day here at my house. I'm frantically cleaning the main part of the house and trying to keep what is clean the way that it is. I'm dreading the holidays this year. All of them. The first year after we got married, no one was asking when we were going to have kids because we were newlyweds. The next year, 1 or 2 people made comment. Now it's every family gathering and every holiday. It's enough to drive me to drink. And since there's no reason to worry about a baby since we didn't even bother trying this month I can drink all I want. Good thing that because at this point I think I may actually need it.

Some results!

After a week of waiting, I heard back from my doctor today. It appears my progesterone is low. How low, I don't know as I wasn't given the actual numbers. Everything else was normal though. Once we have the SA results, the decision on how to proceed will be made. Right now it looks like I may be getting prescribed clomid assuming all is normal with P. For those of you who have used clomid before, what should I expect? Mood swings? Hot flashes? The desire to toss my mate out a window?

Wait, it's been a whole year?

On Saturday it will have been a year since I started posting to the internet about my fertility, or lack there of. To be honest, I thought a little public shaming might have jump started everything and I'd be knocked up in a month or two. Obviously, I was wrong as it's now a year later and I can't even get an answer on my blood work in a timely manner. However, thank you to every one who has read my rantings and ravings. Thank you for all of the support given when I've needed it. You wonderful ladies have helped make a difficult year easier because I knew I wasn't alone.

So many times here in the world of IF, it seems like even speaking of it aloud is taboo, almost as if it were a disease that could be caught from standing too close. You know, kinda like cooties, only worse. But reading others stories and seeing some of you cross over to the other side has been so wonderful. I've rejoiced with all of you and cried with all of you as well. I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you for everything in the last year and here's to hoping we all make it over in the next year.

CD2

Blah. It's 3 days early. Last night, I drank half a bottle of wine. I'm drinking the other half tonight.

No word yet on the blood work. I called the office to see if they had my numbers, but they don't. I find it odd as the lab I go to is really good about getting the results in within a day. Maybe tomorrow, right? I just hope they don't order CD 3 blood work once they get the results since tomorrow is CD 3. I'd really hate to wait the whole cycle without any answers. As for the SA, we've decided to do it next week to give all cold medicine time to work its way out of P's system. Better safe than sorry, right?

Blood work - check

Today I went and got my blood work for the CD22 analysis. My GYN has listed me as anovulatory for the moment. We'll see what comes back in the next couple of days so that maybe I can get an answer or two.

P's SA has not yet occurred. He was ill for most of the last week. We will need to do this soon, but does anyone know what effect cold medication has on counts? How long should we wait before doing this? We are to collect here and then take to the lab when it's completed so we don't have to worry about rescheduling a specific date. However, this is something we'd like to get done sooner as opposed to later.

Once I have some numbers and hopefully some answers, I will post again.

ICLW!

Hello and welcome ICLWers! Please see this post for my introduction. This month I actually have some news to share. I got my orders for blood work on CD22. That will be on Nov. 2. My dearly beloved husband has an SA on Tuesday. The doctor wanted Monday, but we held out for Tuesday because ovulation should occur on Saturday. And since he leaves for the weekend on Friday, all best attempts must occur before he leaves.

My annual and "Let's talk about my lack of babies." appointment was this morning at 7:15. After getting lost heading to the practice's other office and arriving 15 minutes late for my appointment, I was grateful they managed to work me in for everything. I really did not want to have to reschedule again. Now I sit here still feeling icky from the appointment and contemplating a second shower, just to get rid of the icky feeling. That may have possibilities.

Once I have some results, I will share. Happy ICLW!

And out again

The monthly reminder of my failure as a woman arrived on Sunday. Monday, I started a new temp job and canceled my doctor's appointment because I wouldn't be able to get the time off. Today was to have been the appointment. This evening at 5, I was let go from the temp job because of the trainer feeling I wasn't a good fit with her personality. The person I was going to be reporting to liked me. But I never made it past the week of training. The irony of all of it was that I actually liked the person that was training me. I liked the company. I liked the department. But now I'm home, unemployed, and without a doctor's appointment to get started on finding out why I fail as a woman every month. I know this month is a loss as it is. The husband is out of town the week he is needed. But I was hoping to get started on what could be done with tests and such. Now I have to try and get in again ASAP in case I get another new job and then won't be able to get the time off as needed. I'm just still kind of in shock over the whole thing. When I left work today, the person who let me go said "I'll see you tomorrow." On my way home, the temp agency called and let me know I no longer had a job to return to tomorrow. If she didn't want me there, why not tell me then and collect my badge, sign the time sheet, and not lie to my face? ARGH!!!!! So tomorrow, I begin calling to get my appointment rescheduled. Hopefully, I can so that things can get started. I was hoping to begin to have answers today. But there are still only questions.

Still hanging on

It's been a hectic week trying to get through everyone on ICLW. It's made for a few late nights, but I'm enjoying meeting everyone and realizing that I'm not the only one out there. Some days I feel very alone in this world of IF. On Wednesday, I went to the hospital and met a fellow IFer's new baby. The baby is beautiful. Mom and Dad are over the moon. I sat there holding this sweet bundle of newborn joy and all I kept thinking was "When is it my turn?".

Then leaving the hospital, the women care hospital, surrounded by pregnant bellies and new babies, all I wanted to do was run to my car and sob and feel sorry for myself because I wasn't pregnant and didn't have a baby at home. But I did not. I did not give in to the sadness. Instead, I remembered all of the years of struggling C&B went through to have their beautiful daughter. I remembered all the years of heartache they went through. It was not a day to be jealous of their happiness, even if a little part of me still was. It was a day to remember that there are others in the same boat. There are others who have been at this same point. And some of those same others have crossed over and have their bundles of joy. I just have to keep thinking that one day it will be my turn as well.

ICLW

I am doing ICLW this month and saw on another blog a quick post about who they are and their journey so far. I thought I'd borrow the idea because frankly, it's brilliant. And it lets me talk about myself and not feel self-conscious. Okay, so having a blog kinda kills the thought that I'm self-concious, but play along, please?

I'm April. I've been married for 2 years to my wonderful husband P. I have a beautiful step-daughter J., also known as the young'un. She's 10 going on 30. P. and I have been trying to have a child of our own for 2 years and have managed only a miscarriage in Jan. 08. Next month I will be spending "quality time" with my GYN at my annual and will be pushing for tests to be done to get started on why we aren't having children and what can be done to help. Of course, I'm beginning to think the first course of action will be to find a new doctor since so far the current one has only suggested using OPKs.

Outside of my childbearing abilities, or more accurately my lack there of, I crochet, read, watch tv, and spend lots and lots of time in the waiting room at the young'un's dance classes. I'm also participating in the Light the Night walk in memory of Joe Lin who lost his battle with leukemia at age 33. He left behind a young wife, a brother, and parents all of whom were devastated by the loss. Yes, that is a shameless appeal for donations to this cause, if you are so inclined.

That's about it in a nutshell. Right now I'm in IF limbo, but still valiantly trying each month. Thank you for stopping by!

A new job, a new day, and a new cycle.

Today has been horrible. Today for the first time since I made the decision 2 weeks ago, I really wish I had never quit my old job. Granted, a lot of that is probably from the hormones of CD2, but you never know. So far at my new (temporary) job, I had 3 spreadsheet go crazy, Adobe freeze 3 different times, and got to meet 4 people that I'll be working with, 3 of whom are pregnant. One is due in 2 months. The rest are all due after I'm done with this assignment. So after I had to stay late to finish the 3 spreadsheets that were all due today before 6, I made a mad dash to get a reasonably early bus so as to get home before 7. In the mad dash, I managed to trip, fall, skin my knee, and rip my favorite pair of work pants. And I missed that particular bus. I got home at 7:15. I'm still waiting for dinner to be delivered since I refuse to cook at this point. So to sum up, I got my period and am not pregnant, again. I have a nice bruised knee that is skinned. My favorite beloved black slacks that fit just right are ripped and ruined. My husband has not yet arrived back home with my pizza. I think it's time for a glass or three of wine.

New thermometer, same story

So I bought a new thermometer late last week. I know that taking temperatures at this point wasn't going to really give me much confirmation, but at least I had it for next month. Three days later, the pup finds it, breaks the case, and then breaks the thermometer. Time to move it off of the night stand during the day and hope I remember to bring it back before bed each night now. If he wasn't so cute, I'd have to be really mad at him right now.

I have been a bad charter

I have been a very bad charter this month. This is mostly due to the fact that my puppy ate my thermometer (yes really) and I just haven't made it to Target to get a new one. Instead, we're winging it this month. Okay, so it isn't really winging it when you can predict your ovulation date without the need for a thermal shift to confirm, but sometimes it's nice to pretend. Besides, it gives me more of an excuse to jump my husband.

CD 1 again

Yep, out again this month.

Light the Night

I am walking in the Light the Night walk this year. This is for leukemia and lymphoma research. Two years ago, a friend of mine lost her husband to leukemia and I walked in honor of him. Last year, I wasn't able to participate. This year, I walk in honor of Joe again. I am asking for your help. Please consider sponsoring me in this walk. A link to my donation page is here. Please help. Thank you.

Happy anniversary to us!

Tuesday will be my second anniversary as a married woman. That day two years ago I married the man I love. It was one of those rare perfect August days when the humidity was low, the sun was shining, and there was just enough of a breeze to keep the guests comfortable during the ceremony. We risked a lot and had it outside. There were lots of things that I wished would have happened, and a lot of things we wanted to do, but just weren't able to get done in time. However, it was the perfect day and I wouldn't have asked for a better one. Happy anniversary my love.

Birthdays and baby showers

ThiSaturday I will be 32. Now, 32 isn't old. I don't really even consider 32 to be middle aged. However, I thought I'd have kids from my own body by now. In celebration of my birthday, I'm attending a baby shower. How's that for a celebration? If it weren't for the fact I'll be too close to the 2WW, I'd be drinking heavily after the shower. Happy birthday to me!

It's back...

AF arrived a day early, but that seems to be my luck this week. It's CD1 again and I'm feeling fat, bloated, and miserable. I'm also craving salty chips and am planning on indulging that desire tonight as I drown my lack of pregnancy in chips and wine. At least I know I can drink for a day or so, right? That's some form of consolation. Right? Right!? Okay, so it really isn't, but hey I'm trying really hard to be positive so I don't sit and sob tonight instead.

Sadness

Next month on my birthday I'm attending a baby shower for a fellow infertile. She and her husband have been blessed and will soon have a new baby that they conceived naturally. I shouldn't be jealous because know that she's been here. They tried for 2.5 years and used up all of their insurance money trying and not succeeding. They are the couple that was in the process of getting paperwork filled out and getting a home study done when they found out about the baby. And I wish so badly it was me. If I hadn't had my miscarriage in January of last year, I'd be preparing for a 1st birthday party soon, if the party hadn't taken place earlier this month. But instead, I'm making a baby blanket and crying over each stitch. I wish so badly I was making it for my own child.

I feel bad because I'm happy for them but at the same time so sad for myself and my husband. This is such a double edged sword. It's so hard to be happy for everyone else having their babies when all I want is my turn to have a baby as well. Most days I'm fine. I take joy in the blessings I have - my husband, my beautiful step-daughter, my parents and siblings, my health, a home to call my own. But other days it seems I can't even take a step outside of my door without seeing a glowing Madonna with her hand over her gently swelling belly, ripe with child. And the knife drives into my heart and rips open the wound I try so hard to protect. Does this pain ever get easier? Does the memory fade? I know I'll always see July as the "might have been" month, but does it ever get easier? Do you forget the due date that was not? Other have lost babies much further along than me. I was only 6 weeks, 3 days. But how I wanted that life to grow and bloom and become fruitful. Now I make gifts for other people's babies and have nothing at all to show for mine.

I'm sorry for the whining and complaining dear Internet. But tonight it seems as though all of the memories are piling up. I think it's time to self medicate with a glass of wine and no working on craft projects for the evening. Tomorrow things will be better. I have faith. And one day it will be our turn, all of us in this awful stinking boat of IF. We will have our lives be as we wish for them to be. I have faith. It's what keeps me and us all going.

MIA?

Why yes, I have been MIA. We went on vacation, I'm almost halfway through my cycle, and I have an invitation to a baby shower being held on my birthday. Nothing like the proverbial smack in the back of the head to remind you of what you don't have by karma, right? Actually, I don't mind attending this shower. This shower is for a fellow IFer who will be crossing over to the other side in September. I am thrilled for her and her husband, but at the same time I wish it was me. I wish I was pregnant so I didn't feel so horrible at the shower watching her with her baby belly as she plans for her little one. It seems that everywhere I go right now, I'm surrounded by pregnant women or small babies. It's almost enough to make me want to hide inside of the house.

Anyway, we vacationed in Phoenix and saw the Grand Canyon. We took along the young'un and everywhere we went I got complemented on how much my daughter looks like me. She and I just smiled and said thank you. Explanations take too long sometimes and she really does look a lot like I do. She's started asking if we are going to have kids and if we do, can we make sure it's not more than 1 at a time. I told her that we would be happy with anything that God blesses us, be it 1, 2, or 12. I'm not banking on the 12. That apparently was an acceptible answer because now she is picking out what she thinks we should name her dozen brothers and sisters. Kids. Actually, now that she's 10, it seems I can see her growing up while I watch her. It seems she grows more and more each day. The little kid look is almost gone and you can see the woman she will become. *sigh* Now if only I can give her the siblings that she wants.

CD2

Well, I'm out again for this month. Of course Aunt FLo arrived during the young'un's dance recital where I was surrounded by many babies, toddlers, and pregnant women. Yeah, it was real special. I know I'm lucky that I have the young'un, even if I didn't give birth to her. It puts me into an odd limbo land. I have a child that I love dearly, that looks amazing like me, for whom I would do anything, and who is the light of my life. Yet I still want to have a child that calls me "Mommy", not by my name. I want to smell baby breath and feel the warmth of a baby in my arms. I even kind of look forward to the sleep deprivation, spit up, and poop blowouts because it means that I have a baby. Tonight I will cry, grieve, and mourn the lost possibility of this month. Then tomorrow I'll be back to being as positive and hopeful as I can be. It's 20 months since we began trying and will be 2 years on our 2nd anniversary in August. If I had know how difficult this was going to be, I'd of thrown out the condoms years ago.

Sore boobs? (TMI warning)

Okay, this is new. I've had very sore nipples for the last 4 days. Nothing else is sore, just my nipples. This fact amuses my other half and he thinks it's funny to try and touch them at any point in time. I'm also peeing like a racehorse. Yet, I still don't feel hopeful because my temperature has begun dropping. Ugh! 5 more days until testing.

Two week wait is here

Fertility Friend pinned ovulation 3 days ago. This was confirmed by the OPKs and a teperature shift as well. We managed to make our attempts only once this cycle because of too many adventures at home. Mainly from our dear darling dog who presented us with a nice ripe groundhog that she was lovingly burying in the couch. How she managed to get past both me and my husband with this is still amazing to us, but when one is doing laundry and the other is doing work then the dog can sneak past. So our desire for children was overridden by the foul smell and frantic cleaning of the living room to prepare for the company coming over the next day. However, I will say that Nature's Miracle is worth its weight in gold. It actually removed all evidence from the couch in less than 18 hours. Not even my white glove mother in law noticed anything. And she notices everything. So now we wait and see. Maybe this'll be the month. However, I'm not going to let myself get too hopeful. Or at least that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

CD1

She's arrived, that monthly non-friend of mine. Nothing like getting your period on the day after Mother's Day when trying to have a baby, right? At least it wasn't ON Mother's Day. I think that would have just added insult to injury. The OPKs are ordered. They should arrive within the week. Here's to hoping for this cycle.

OPK decision

After reading the comments and suggestions left by everyone, next cycle I'm going to try the Answer OPKs. This cycle I picked up a set of first Response and CBE Digitals. Both were negative, but there was a temperature change. Now I'm really confused because I'm not sure if there was ovulation or not. The temperature spike leads me to believe there was. The lack of a positive on the OPK suggests there wasn't. I'll be doing the Answer ones twice a day next cycle and we'll see where this latest development leads.

Reccomend your OPKs

I've been told by my GYN to use OPKs this month. I went blissfully off to the store thinking this would be easy. After all, I just need to buy a box right? Wrong. There's more kinds than expected. My question for all of you out there who may or may not be reading this still is this. What brand do you use? I'm torn between plunking down the money for the CBEFM (Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor for those not of the IF sisterhood) or just getting a regulr pack of the CBE digitals. IS there a benefit to using the CBEFM over the digitals? Anyone have any different brand they prefer? Please, share your experiences and reccomend. Thanks so very much!

CD4

It came on Saturday, 4 days late. It brought with it a bag of mixed feelings. We knew that it was an anovulatory cycle and that there was no chance of pregnancy. However, we still hoped a little bit. That same old spark that doesn't really quite die until the bitter end. So now I'll be picking up some more OPK's after this month per my doctor. She still isn't willing to do any tests, even if I'm willing to pay for them out of pocket. She still thinks its just a matter of time, even if the time is now over 18 months without a successful pregnancy and over a year since the miscarriage. Does anyone out there have any advice on how to convince a doctor to do tests when they don't want to do any? Is it a matter of finding a different doctor or continue with the wait and see approach?

2 days "late"

How can one be late when one did not ovulate you ask? Simple. Anovulatory cycles don't follow a set pattern and don't start when expected. This means it can be tomorrow, it can be a week from now, it could be 10 days. I don't know. I"m really hoping for soon though. I have the normal PMS symptoms and I'm craving my normal salty foods. Just no AF so I can start again and mark off time some more.

Anovulatory

We take a month break with no positive results and the month we start trying again? Anovulatory. *sigh*

We're back! (Officially this time)

The cycle started Friday and now I'm counting the days to trying. I've dusted off my trusty thermometer. I've marked days on the calendar. I'm hopeful yet again. Anyone else in this month? Or am I all alone?

And we're back!

Well, not officially yet, but soon. As any charter, current, reformed, or other will tell you, once you start checking things you start to learn the cues if your cycle is nice and stable. Which luckily mine is. So in a couple of days, I'll be officially back from this hiatus and ready to start making me some babies trying again. The break has been nice as life handed us lots of non-time in this past month. Things should start to settle down soon and everything will go back to what passes for normal at our house.

We took this month off

Why you ask? Because it's getting harder each month to pretend that we aren't worried or that it doesn't hurt when each cycle ends in no pregnancy. It hurts to hear about friends who are having babues, no matter how happy we are for them. It hurts wondering if you'll ever get to make that same announcement. It hurts being the one who smiles even as your heart breaks when you see babies and hear the stories of "We weren't really trying, but we're pregnant!".
People ask "When will you be having a baby?" and you grit your teeth and smile politely while making up an answer just so they will leave you alone.

So this month we didn't try to time anything, didn't check anything, didn't do anything at all about having a child. This month, I enjoyed just being me and not worrying about sticking a thermometer ni my mouth each morning at the crack of dawn. I didn't set my alarm for the weekends. I didn't grab my husband and inform him that I was fertile and he better make with the fun. We know my pattern and know when we really should be doing the deed, but it's not the priority this month. And you know what? I'm fine with that this month. Next month, I make no promises, but for now I'm not going to stress.

It still hurts deep inside though.

It came on Saturday

And I'm out for another month. As much as I had a feeling this wasn't going to be the month, I still let that little spark of hope creep in and now I wait another month. However, speaking of hope, go give Tara some love. She's going in for her beta tomorrow and is spotting today. Send love and prayers her way that it's just implantation spotting and that there will be a baby at the end of her journey.

Ugh again

Well, temperatures are dropping. Nothing has started yet, but it's not looking good. I'm still not giving up hope until AF arrives, but even the hope is starting to dwindle for this cycle. DH said that he doesn't think I'm broklen and all we need is time and less stress in our lives. I appreciate his words and I know they come from his heart. I just wish I knew for sure that there wasn't something wrong with me. But our insurance won't even cover testing and I'm beginning to think that I may have to find a new practice that will fight for me and actually test me. I need to know what's wrong. I need to know if I'm capable of having a child and right now I just don't know.

Weekend in

I spent a nice weekend in this weekend. Even though it was nice outside, well kinda nice outside, DH and I spent a romantic weekend at our house. We're in the 2WW now. Fertility friend pinned my O date 2 days earlier than expected again, but we're covered so now we wait. Who's here with me now?

Octuplets? By IVF?!?

What was this woman thinking? I had at first thought it was an IUI that went slightly awry. Or possibly a decision to chance it after doctors finding too many follicles to do an IUI. But to find out that not only did she willing get implanted with enough embryos to have octuplets, but that she has 6 more at home? And that all are the product of IVF and that she has no job, lives with her mother, and there is no father in the picture? She just wanted to be able to make money off of her new babies? There is something very wrong with this picture. Either the woman is very disturbed or the doctor should have his license revoked, or more likely both.

I wasn't going to post about this. Others have spoken on this subject more eloquently that I am able to do. however, the more I find out about this woman, the more sick I feel in my heart. I feel horrible for those poor children.

I hope that no doctor will ever work with her so that she can have more children. The very act of being inplanted with 8 embryos has set back understanding for so many IVFers. It just a sad sad day when a doctor would endanger their patient's life in such a manner. The health risks from carrying so many babies is horrible for both the mother and the babies.

I have more that I could rant about on this subject, but it would take days to say it all. I just hope that the babies and the other children will be okay.

CD2

Confirmation of no pregnancy was received yesterday when I got home from work. Blah. Today is CD2 and in another 10 days, I'm jumping my husband. If there isn't another pregnancy, even one that fails in 3 months, I'm calling the doctor and insisting they test me. I'm not even sure I can wait 3 months at this point. We threw out the birth control 18 months ago. We've had 1 pregnancy that made it to 6w2d. There was a possible chemical pregnancy, but we aren't really sure that it was. It's frustrating and demoralizing and is teaching me more patience than ever. I just have to have faith in God, but at times it's so very hard. I know that everything occurs for a reason and that everything happens in its own time, but sometimes I'd really like to have a crystal ball to see when it happens.

The fortune cookie?

It doesn't appear it was for me. Instead dear frinds of mine, C&B have found out after 2 years of IUI's that have failed and running out of insurance money that they are expecting their first, made the old-fashioned way. They had started on a journey to adopt and never expected to have a pregnancy. I wish them the best of luck and hope that their little bean sticks and that they deliver a healthy baby in September. Stick baby, stick!

Ovulation pinned!!

I am 4 DPO! The slow rise was recognized and ovulation has been pinned on Monday the 12th. It's always nice to have confirmation of things already known, right?

Finally a spike!

The cold weather in playing tricks on my body temperature. We've had temperatures close to freezing for the last few days and me, the human furnace, hasn't felt a need to kick off any blankets for the last few days. My BBT is also reflecting this trend. however, this morning brought a spike. Now if only fertility friend would notice there has been a gradual increase and pin ovulation so I can sit here and be nervous about possible conception as opposed to a possible anovulatory cycle. Somedays the waiting is hard, but I'm going to be positive. After all, I got a great fortune in my fortune cookie for dinner on Saturday. It says "Good news on a long awaited occurance is coming soon." I'm taking it to mean that there will be a pregnancy in my future sooner as opposed to later.

Ovulation? Not yet....

It looks like I have an extra day of trying. After a very fun weekend, my temperature did not go up this morning as anticipated. This doesn't mean that I haven't ovulated. It just means I didn't have a rise in temperature today. I'll be on the look-out for it tomorrow and I'll entice the hubby for more fun tonight. After all, as long as the temperature has not yet risen, you should continue to try. We're still newly-weds in some form, right?

It's almost time again!

Yes, it's the most wonderful time of the month. The hormones are coursing and clothing is flying. The hubby and I have plans for the weekend and it's going to be fun. Yes, we hope that conception will occur, but it's more for fun than anything this month. Well, it's always for fun. Let's be honest here. We haven't reached the point yet where I start yelling from the bedroom to come quickly, I'm ovulating. However, I'll be honest. I've thought about it a few times. Monday will begin the two week wait and my nerves will go back on high alert. Anyone else out there almost in the two week wait? Or am I all alone right now?

New year, new outlook, same hopes

This year I'm still hoping for a baby. A child of my own to love. However, I'm striving for a more positive outlook. Sometimes I get so bogged down in the feelings of inadequacy from not being pregnant and not having a baby that I lose sight of the blessings in my life I do have. I have a wonderful husband whom I adore. He loves me as I am, no matter what. He's always there for me, even when he thinks I've lost my mind. I have a wonderful step-daughter whom I adore. Every week she grows smarter and more beautiful and I'm so lucky to have her as part of my life and to be able to be a part of hers. May this be the year that we all add new additions to our families to love.

It was not a happy new year.

CD1 came on December 31st. We start trying again on Jan 10th. As much as I had a feeling that this cycle wasn't the one for us, I still had that little bit of hope. Now we wait and start again. If there still is no baby in 6 months, I'm going to go to my doctor and ask for testing because this isn't normal. One miscarriage and then nothing for a year isn't normal. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I need to know so that if it can be fixed, we can get it fixed. If it can't be fixed, then we start making plans for adoption as we have no coverage for IF treatments. Pennsylvania isn't a mandatory coverage state so everything would have to be out of pocket. This means that we would be saving to adopt instead of saving for the possibility of trying once for a pregnancy that may or may not occur.

I'm not going to dwell on this though. It's a new year and we have a new start for the month. Maybe this will be our month and next year we'll ring in the new year with our own bundle of joy.