Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Still waiting

It's been a week since the SA was dropped off according to the doctor's orders. We're still waiting. It seems like this wonderful land of IF is all about waiting. Just once I'd like to get an answer in less than 1 week or 4.

Today I noticed myself doing something. I've quit thinking of "when" for having a baby. It's now "if". This came about while sitting here in front of my computer looking around at the computer room. I was looking around and contemplating what color to paint the room. It's currently blue. All blue. Baby boy blue in fact. It was supposed to be the nursery. But since when we bought the house, we knew we were at least 2 or so years away from having additional kids so it became the computer room. The thought that came to mind was if we have a baby, I'll have to find a new place for my computer and all of the other junk that has migrated here over the years. Then it was if we have a baby we'll have to find a way to sound proof the young'un's room because it's right next door. Then it dawned on me, I wasn't thinking in terms of when, but if. This made me sad. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the coming holidays.

Speaking of holidays, we're hosting turkey day here at my house. I'm frantically cleaning the main part of the house and trying to keep what is clean the way that it is. I'm dreading the holidays this year. All of them. The first year after we got married, no one was asking when we were going to have kids because we were newlyweds. The next year, 1 or 2 people made comment. Now it's every family gathering and every holiday. It's enough to drive me to drink. And since there's no reason to worry about a baby since we didn't even bother trying this month I can drink all I want. Good thing that because at this point I think I may actually need it.

17 comments:

Noelle said...

I am sorry. It was always "when" for me too, but now it is starting to feel like "if." These holidays are so hard, especially when you want a child so badly. I hope that people aren't overly obnoxious when pestering you about having kids. I agree that you may need to drink up!

AplusB said...

Good for you for hosting Thanksgiving! It's a lot of work, but at least you can enjoy some adult beverages in the process :)

Fran said...

Hi, I also am thinking "if" more often than "when"...it must be normal after a while. I understand also that family gathering are difficult, I tend to avoid them like pests, but if I do have to go, and if someone asks...usually I give some pretty blunt answer like "it must not be our turn yet".

Sending you much love, Fran

ICLW

Liddy said...

Too bad I cannot send you over my fall libation 'The Cornucopia'. It is a great little martini. I so want to host Thanksgiving but my mum is not going to give up those reigns too easily.

Stopping by for an ICLW visit...
No. 2: the unfair struggle (mfi, speedskating, nanowrimo)

nh said...

I'm sorry that you are getting to 'if' instead of 'when'. Family gatherings can be so tough - I hope that things go okay for you.

ICLW

Krystal said...

Ugh. Family gatherings can be the worst. When we had our miscarriage, we would have been due around late-November. I had been at work all night, having a hard time with the due date, and had my creepy uncle ask me when we were going to have kids. I nearly lost it. I went into my parent's bedroom and cried. And cried. And cried.

All this to say, I'm sorry. I wish I could fix it. I pray you'll have a good Thanksgiving and no one will bother you about it!

Happy ICLW!

Miriam said...

It was always hard when I'd catch myself thinking "if." Hope the family gives you some space. Enjoy your Thanksgiving!

Willow said...

When I find myself thinking "if," I always correct it to "when," even when I wonder if that will really ever happen. It is a relief that our designated nursery is finally occupied (after 3 yrs of TTC) by our darling adopted baby boy, but I still long to give birth to #2. Good luck with the holidays--may they be long on joy and short on obnoxious familial comments!

mybumpyjourney said...

awwww. The waiting does SUCK!!! Then the "whens" turning into "if"s. Sometimes I don't even notice I have done it. Sigh. SUCKS ARSE!!!!
Happy ICLW- thanks for stopping by my blog.

Kristin said...

It really hurts when you make the transition from when to if. I hope the holidays aren't to bad. {{{Hugs}}}

Mrs. Gamgee said...

That moment when "when" becomes "if" is a hard hurdle to cross. Hang in there, and know you aren't alone.

A baby for Al? said...

Yea...it used to be a when and now I feel like it's more of an if. And that sucks.

Good luck hosting thanksgiving tomorrow and enjoy the alcohol! You deserve it :-)

ICLW

theclam said...

I hope you get your reslts soon and that the questions re baby and family were not too overbearing.

(ICLW)

Terry Elisabeth said...

Do you think that maybe thinking with IF instead of WHEN is a sign that you are grieving the "easy dream" of conceiving easily (I don't want to be insensitive, it's just I don't have the right words to express what I mean) and accepting that things mkight not go the way you thought ? It might be healthy. Understand what I'm trying to say ? :)

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C said...

((HUGS))

I remember going from "when" to "if." It's a huge psychological adjustment and new way of thinking (depressing, but real).

I hope that you were able to enjoy a nice Thanksgiving and have some wine.

Wishing you all the best!

ICLW

Rammi said...

I hope you had a good Thanksgiving, and managed to avoid all the questions.

Skye said...

It boggles my mind how people can feel like it's okay to ask personal questions like that. Even if they are family, it's none of their business.