Monday, June 8, 2009


Well, I'm out again for this month. Of course Aunt FLo arrived during the young'un's dance recital where I was surrounded by many babies, toddlers, and pregnant women. Yeah, it was real special. I know I'm lucky that I have the young'un, even if I didn't give birth to her. It puts me into an odd limbo land. I have a child that I love dearly, that looks amazing like me, for whom I would do anything, and who is the light of my life. Yet I still want to have a child that calls me "Mommy", not by my name. I want to smell baby breath and feel the warmth of a baby in my arms. I even kind of look forward to the sleep deprivation, spit up, and poop blowouts because it means that I have a baby. Tonight I will cry, grieve, and mourn the lost possibility of this month. Then tomorrow I'll be back to being as positive and hopeful as I can be. It's 20 months since we began trying and will be 2 years on our 2nd anniversary in August. If I had know how difficult this was going to be, I'd of thrown out the condoms years ago.

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