Bullet point

Or how I'll get some of the things rattling around in my head out.

1. I have having an ear infection. And I've had this one for a month!!! I keep going back to the ear doctor and he vacuums (yes, vacuums) my ear out, gives me antibiotic drops, and asks to see me again next week. Add in the fact this thing has caused my ear drum to rupture and caused some hearing loss and it adds up to a miserable month.

2. The Young'un brought home a cold when she was at our house this past weekend. Now P and I are both dealing with our own versions of it. So now I have a sick husband who thinks he's dying while I've got the same cold plus the above mentioned ear infection and am still going about life as normal.

3. I've not been very motivated and as such I have several projects at home that are just sitting there and staring at me every evening.

4. My car needs an oil change and I haven't found the time to drop it off yet.

5. I don't know if I'm thrilled over the conception story line for "How I Met Your Mother" this season. It would have been bad enough if they had gotten pregnant right away, but if this turns into an infertility story line, I shudder at what all they will screw up.

6. ICLW was wonderful this month and I made Iron Commentor!

Trying to write a post

I'm trying to write a new post, but it's not coming like I thought it would. There's a lot of things swirling around in my brain, but I can't find the words to share today.

ICLW

Welcome everyone from ICLW! This is my little corner of the internet and I invite you to look around and stay for a while.

I'm April. I'm married to P. I have an 11 year old step-daughter, The Young'un. We have been trying to add to our family since 2007. We've recently begun seeing Dr. Cool, whom I kicked in the head at my HSG. I've also been avoiding the office for the last 2 months because of various things in life that have interferred, like work, vacation, and a general unhappiness that's hit me the last month or so. I attribute the unhappiness to lots of friends having babies and us well, not.

10 things about me

1. I crochet. I've recently begun experimenting with lace weight yarn.
2. I have dogs, 3 of them to be exact. The smallest is 45 lbs and the largest is 80lbs.
3. I hate to dust. Detest it actually. I'll take extra turns at loading the dishwasher to get out of dusting.
4. It's the same thing with vacuuming.
5. I love to bake and I'm happy that fall is coming quickly so that I can start baking again.
6. I'm tempted to put out my Halloween decorations already.
7. My favorite musical is "Phantom of the Opera" and I finally saw it this past weekend.
8. My favorite TV shows are "How I Met Your Mother", "NCIS", "Glee", and "House". I watch two of those online each week because they all have the same time slots on the days they air.
9. I love to read and have been going through at least 1 book a week for years. Usually it's two or more.
10. My favorite day of the week is Saturday, even though it tends to be the busiest day of the week.

So there you have it. Welcome and please come back and visit again!

Places I fear to tread

I love to shop. Love, love love. Of course, I hate to shop for myself, but for others, it's so much fun. However, I have a love/hate relationship with baby sections. I love going and looking at all the adorable little clothes and accessories. I love picking out a cute outfit to purchase for a shower or as a gift for a baby. I hate the reminder that I have no need for these items. It is rubbing salt in the wound.

I hate to buy myself clothing or go to stores where my sizes are carried. When I was younger, I was much skinnier than I am now. Because of this, there is a person in my head that so does not match the exterior. I'm working on correcting that, but it is a slow process and I'm not getting there as fast as I would like. In fact, I tend to backslide more than I make actual progress. Suggestions on things to help that are not diet pills are welcome. I want to be skinny and happy with how I look again.

I dislike going to the RE's office. I know, I know. He's there to help us try to get pregnant, but right now I can't bring myself to want to even call to set up bloodwork. Right now it's a huge stumbling block for me. I need to get over it, and quickly as I have blood work coming up again in about 2 weeks followed by more blood work about a week later.

I don't know why I"m dwelling on things like this right now. I can't even blame clomid as I'm not on it at the moment. Maybe once this cycle is over and we start again I can move back towards my happy self.

Further reflections

This is a follow-up of sorts the the reflections of last week.

Yes, I still attend baby showers. As an infertile woman, it tears me apart inside to see the happiness of the mother-to-be, rubbing her tunny and glowing with pride and joy at the miracle inside. It just rips the band-aid off of the wound in my heart. You may ask, "April, if it hurts so much, why do you go? Why don't you stay home and safe away from these experiences?". The answer is simple, as much as it hurts me, it would hurt just as much to cut these women from my life. These are my friends and family. I am happy for them, that they are about to become a mother. I want to be there to celebrate their happiness. They are important to me. That's why I buy little baby things and make a blanket for each and every shower. Yes, I crochet blankets for each baby shower. I'm beyond insane for that one according to my husband.

Honesty also requires me to admit to selfishness here too. I want them to be there for me, if my time ever comes. I'm afraid that if I skip their showers, then if I ever have need for one, they will look back and say "Well, she didn't come to mine, why should I go to hers?". I know this probably isn't the case. Most of these people at least have an idea of what we are going through. They have heard bits and pieces and understand that we are having difficulties having children.

So there you have it. I go because I care about these women and because I'm selfish.

An online friend's loss

A person I know from a message board had a stillborn daughter over the weekend. I have no idea how to reach out to her. She was a member of the ALI community before her daughter was born. She survived several miscarriages before she had her son. Then when she became pregnant with her daughter, I was thrilled for her. It was a surprise pregnancy, but everything was going well until the beginning of August. The baby was found to have severe polycystic kidney disease and was not expected to live long if she was born alive. Sadly, a month later she was born sleeping and her parents are devastated.

I want so badly to reach out to her, to know what to say, but I'm at a loss. I can't compare losing a child at 6 weeks of pregnancy to her loss of a child she felt kicking inside of her, that she had seen living on an ultrasound. How do I, someone who has never experienced a loss like this reach out without sounding callous?

Reflections

The high and low point of the work week was seeing a co-workers 4 week old baby. He is beautiful adorable, perfect, and made me want to curl into a ball and sob because we've been trying for over 3 years and have nothing to show for it.

I'm trying but it's getting harder and harder to pretend that I'm happy at baby showers and around newborns. I'll be attending 2 showers this month. There are two more coming this winter that I know of. People that had their first less than 2 years ago are now expecting their second, and I haven't even had my first. I'm beginning to feel like maybe all I'll ever be is a step mom and that I'll never hear a child call me Mommy. And that thought terrifies me. I want to be a mom. I want to have the sleepless nights followed by the moments when you look at this tiny perfect child and just stand in awe of the life you are protecting, nuturing, and helping to grow.

It's hard, this road of infertility. It's taken a toll on my physically and emotionally. It's caused my wonderful husband to be worried about losing me to depression. It's caused me to wonder if I'll ever find the person I was before this journey again. I know I'll never be the same because of it, but some days I wonder who it is I've become. I don't recognize myself at times. It's not that I look different. It's more that sometimes the pain inside shows through to the outside and there's a lot of pain and hurt rolling around inside. Emotions I have trouble speaking about, so instead I'm letting my fingers do the talking and hoping that writing it out will help.

Sometimes I wonder how this will end. Will we find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Or will we be left with a house too big for primarily two people? Will I ever see a child off to their first day or school? Help a child figure out how to talk to their crush? Go to the park to play on the swings with a toddler? Or am I doomed to always look at things from the outside and wonder what it would be like?