Happy Memorial Day

For this, my 100th post, I want to thank all those who have served in the military. Thank you to those who have helped to protect my freedom. Thank you to the families of those men and women who wait at home for those overseas. Thank you to those who never came home. Know that you are missed and always will be.

Thank you to my grandfather, my uncles, my cousin, and my brother, all of whom fought in different wars and conflicts from WWII onward. We have been blessed that you all have made it home safely. My prayers will be said today for those that have been lost.

If you can, take a moment and put flowers on the grave of a soldier today. It doesn't even have to be a soldier you're related to.

Enjoy the day, be safe, and thank those who allowed us to have this.

3 in one day!

Apparently I'm a posting fool today. So P just called and decided to brighten my day with this tidbit of wonderfulness. "So, I think Indy just ate your brown flats." Guess who now has to go shoe shopping?

A Giveaway!

One of my friends, Dr. Mamadrama, is having a give-away! You should go over and check it out!

ICLW

Welcome ICLWers! I hope that you come in and sit a while.

This month, I'm going to do the ABC's of well, me. After all, this is a blog all about, well me.
A - April a.k.a. me
B - Bruno, my "little" dog. He's a bloodhound / German sheperd mix.
C - Clomid which I hated being on
D - Daisy, my 13 year old bulldog. She is the grandma of the dogs and thinks her rightful place in on the couch by me.
E - Excited about the weekend because I don't have to be at work!
F - Framboise, specifically Lindeman's Framboise. I will be indulging in that tonight.
G - Google reader. I don't remember how I survived before I put all my blogs I read in here.
H - Home. It's not the best looking place in the world, but it's ours and if anyone knows a free maid service, send them my way.
I - Indy, my big dog who is still a puppy. He's a lab mix.
J - Josie, our lab mix who passed away almost 4 years ago.
K - Kennywood, my favorite amusement park. If you haven't been there, you really should make a trip.
L - Luna Lovegood. I always liked her as a character in the Harry Potter books and would love to make her scarf from the movie. I just haven't found the pattern yet.
M - Mickey Mouse, my childhood lovey who now resides in my cedar chest.
N - NCIS, one of my favorite shows
O - Ovulation or something that I can't seem to do without Clomid at the moment.
P - P, my husband
Q - Questions that I need to think of for the RE next month
R - Rosebush that still needs planted because there has been very little warm weather here recently.
S - Sunshine! The sun has returned here and it makes me happy.
T - Tea, specifically mint. It's a constant for me in terms of drink.
U - Under the sea in honor of the 20th anniversary of The Little Mermaid (that I saw in theaters)
V - Violin. I've played since I was 8 years old.
W - Why? It's the question I've asked many times since starting this journey.
X - Xcitement for going to the RE next month to start on the path of finding out what we need to do. (Yes, I know that excitement begins with an 'e'.)
Y - Young'un, my step-daughter. She recently turned 11.
Z - Zzzzzzzz, what I hope to do tonight

Happy Friday!

Today I have decided that I am going to do the things I don't normally allow myself to indulge in. I'm having a glass of wine with dinner. I'm having chips and dip as a snack. And I'm going to sleep in tomorrow until at least 8 in the morning. Okay, so it's not really that much of an indulgance, but it feels like it today.

More and more I feel myself coming back to normal as more of the drugs work their way out of my system. I feel happy at things again. I smile more. I'm interested in my hobbies again. For a while, I couldn't bring myself to be interested in much of anything. But today, I almost feel like myself. Tomorrow may bring a different feel after visiting with my mom (Haitian orphans anyone?) But for now, I am going to embrace the day and enjoy it. Tomorrow is soon enough to start worrying about the what ifs again.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

Weekend survived

I made it through another year and only cried a few times. Once was when the Young'un gave me a card she made that was written in text speak. It hangs on the fridge with other pieces of art that have been given over the years. Another was when my mother-in-law informed me yet again that I wasn't a mom, but I was such a good friend and did so much for the Young'un. I did hold those back until I could get somewhere alone. But I survived. We survived as a couple because P knew that I was hurting on more than a few levels with everything. But here's to the hope that next year I'll have my own little miracle to share on Mother's Day.

CD1

I'm out. Today I made the appointment with the RE. It's on June 2nd. Here's to the first step in the next chapter of trying to have a baby.

There is a silver lining though. It didn't start on Mother's Day.

This past week, I read many new blogs. So many stories that are similar to mine. So many people who are feeling the same things as I do. Sometimes, I need the reminder that I'm not alone, that others are suffering with me, rejoicing in our triumphs, and sharing our sadness when a cycle fails.

My husband cannot understand why I read and blog. He thinks that it adds stress to my brain and worry to my heart. He's afraid that it causes me to be too hard on myself. He cannot see the support network because he's fertile. He thinks that I'm too hard on myself because I feel like I"m "broken" a lot of the time. I know he's worried because he cares. But he gave voice to a few "What IF" this weekend.

What IF my wife changes and never comes back because of all of this? What IF she becomes depressed and the strain of all of it hurts our relationship beyond repair?

I have been blind and selfish. I had become so wrapped up in my own problems, fears, and insecurities that I was shutting out the person who is in this with me. I had begun to shut my husband out to protect him from my own pain, perceived short-comings, and mild depression.

Infertility is hard. Each month begins with hope, but for many of us ends in sadness. Our partners are there with us in these struggles. But if we shut them out when they are our main line of support, where does this leave us?

I would not trade any of you wonderful ladies for anything. You come and read about my struggles and help me through the dark times. I have to remember to share the same with my husband. He is my best friend and he's afraid of losing me because I had allowed myself to drift away a little. Rememeber we are in this together, with those who love us best, no matter what.