ICLW

Welcome to my home on the internet. You can read more about me here. We are currently on a break due to several things, but I'm hoping to get back in the stirrups after the holidays.

Happy ICLW!!

Still on break

We're still on a break from working on a baby. This time it is because of my ear infection which has ruptured my ear drum and will most likely involve surgery to correct. P is in the beginning of "theater season" which is his biggest excuse to play with power tools and build things, usually sets. This means I won't really see my husband for the next couple of months. I think I have him for 2 weeks around Thanksgiving, but the calendar isn't all filled out yet so that may still change. Either way, it spells no chance of making a baby the old fashioned way (like that actually works for us). Ugh.

In other news, we did not go to the party because we actually had other commitments that conflicted that I was unaware of as they weren't written on above mentioned calendar. I don't really regret not being there in the grand scheme of things. I'll meet the new baby during the holidays and that will be fine by me. This gives me time to steel myself for it and think of clever answers to give to my family. Or maybe I'll just out myself beyond the immediate family and see how it falls.

Lost in shadows

Today, I feel lost in shadows. I'm an infertile woman. I am one of thousands, but still in the shadows of it all. I schedule appointments for bloodwork, ultrasounds, results, all with the hope that somehow the doctor can find some way of helping me to get pregnant. I'll take pills, give myself shots, be pricked, probed, and prodded so that I may have a child. And yet, I will do it, as will thousands of others.

My private life will be examined by doctors. My family will give well meaning, but hurtful advice. I'll cry myself to sleep more often than I care to admit. There will be doubts, heartache, and fear each step of the way. If adoption is in my future, then even my fitness to be a parent will be questioned.

But I hope that one day I will be a mother, to a child of my own. I don't know the path yet. I don't know the steps. I don't even know if this child will be biological. But one day, I hope there will be a child who calls me mom and it will be the child that is meant to be with me.

I am an infertile woman. I live in the shadows, but I long to be in the light.

Parties and babies

My cousin, the fertile one who's shower I helped orchestrate, is having a party for her brother who is entering the military. She had the baby in mid-August. My problem is I want to go and see my cousin off, but I don't know if I can take an evening of cooing over a baby and the inevitable questions about when I'll be producing a baby. After all, we've been married for over 3 years and I'm not getting any younger, or so I've been told. I have until Saturday to decide.