Saturday, April 23, 2016


I feel  as if I should say that I'm not dead. Because I'm not, not really. There's so much that I could and should fill you in on for the last three years. But the reality is I've walked away from the space.  I walked away from this blog. We haven't adopted. We haven't gotten pregnant. In just over a year, J will go off to college and then I'll be an empty-nester at the ripe old age of 40. I'm not sure where the next phase of life is going to take me. I never thought I'd not have children of my own. I never pictured this as my life.

Part of me wants to rant and rail at the heavens over the unfairness of it all. But I know that doesn't help and won't change the reality that it didn't happen for us. There was no magic fix, not happy ending. The truth is that I still mourn the children I'll never have, the future I didn't get. The one with the 2.3 perfect children and the house with the picket fence. Okay, the house does have a picket fence. But it doesn't have the children.

When I stepped away, it was just supposed to be temporary. I was only going to take a month or so off from posting. Instead, it's stretched into almost 3 years. Now I find myself thinking of the next stage and how to move forward. I'm not taking this space down, but I am going to repurpose it eventually. I see a space sharing the adventures of a pair of young empty-nesters. A place where perhaps I can find myself again.