ICLW

Welcome ICLWers! I hope that you come in and sit a while.

This month, I'm going to do the ABC's of well, me. After all, this is a blog all about, well me.
A - April a.k.a. me
B - Bruno, my "little" dog. He's a bloodhound / German sheperd mix.
C - Clomid which I hated being on
D - Daisy, my 13 year old bulldog. She is the grandma of the dogs and thinks her rightful place in on the couch by me.
E - Excited about the weekend because I don't have to be at work!
F - Framboise, specifically Lindeman's Framboise. I will be indulging in that tonight.
G - Google reader. I don't remember how I survived before I put all my blogs I read in here.
H - Home. It's not the best looking place in the world, but it's ours and if anyone knows a free maid service, send them my way.
I - Indy, my big dog who is still a puppy. He's a lab mix.
J - Josie, our lab mix who passed away almost 4 years ago.
K - Kennywood, my favorite amusement park. If you haven't been there, you really should make a trip.
L - Luna Lovegood. I always liked her as a character in the Harry Potter books and would love to make her scarf from the movie. I just haven't found the pattern yet.
M - Mickey Mouse, my childhood lovey who now resides in my cedar chest.
N - NCIS, one of my favorite shows
O - Ovulation or something that I can't seem to do without Clomid at the moment.
P - P, my husband
Q - Questions that I need to think of for the RE next month
R - Rosebush that still needs planted because there has been very little warm weather here recently.
S - Sunshine! The sun has returned here and it makes me happy.
T - Tea, specifically mint. It's a constant for me in terms of drink.
U - Under the sea in honor of the 20th anniversary of The Little Mermaid (that I saw in theaters)
V - Violin. I've played since I was 8 years old.
W - Why? It's the question I've asked many times since starting this journey.
X - Xcitement for going to the RE next month to start on the path of finding out what we need to do. (Yes, I know that excitement begins with an 'e'.)
Y - Young'un, my step-daughter. She recently turned 11.
Z - Zzzzzzzz, what I hope to do tonight

Happy Friday!

Today I have decided that I am going to do the things I don't normally allow myself to indulge in. I'm having a glass of wine with dinner. I'm having chips and dip as a snack. And I'm going to sleep in tomorrow until at least 8 in the morning. Okay, so it's not really that much of an indulgance, but it feels like it today.

More and more I feel myself coming back to normal as more of the drugs work their way out of my system. I feel happy at things again. I smile more. I'm interested in my hobbies again. For a while, I couldn't bring myself to be interested in much of anything. But today, I almost feel like myself. Tomorrow may bring a different feel after visiting with my mom (Haitian orphans anyone?) But for now, I am going to embrace the day and enjoy it. Tomorrow is soon enough to start worrying about the what ifs again.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

Weekend survived

I made it through another year and only cried a few times. Once was when the Young'un gave me a card she made that was written in text speak. It hangs on the fridge with other pieces of art that have been given over the years. Another was when my mother-in-law informed me yet again that I wasn't a mom, but I was such a good friend and did so much for the Young'un. I did hold those back until I could get somewhere alone. But I survived. We survived as a couple because P knew that I was hurting on more than a few levels with everything. But here's to the hope that next year I'll have my own little miracle to share on Mother's Day.

CD1

I'm out. Today I made the appointment with the RE. It's on June 2nd. Here's to the first step in the next chapter of trying to have a baby.

There is a silver lining though. It didn't start on Mother's Day.

This past week, I read many new blogs. So many stories that are similar to mine. So many people who are feeling the same things as I do. Sometimes, I need the reminder that I'm not alone, that others are suffering with me, rejoicing in our triumphs, and sharing our sadness when a cycle fails.

My husband cannot understand why I read and blog. He thinks that it adds stress to my brain and worry to my heart. He's afraid that it causes me to be too hard on myself. He cannot see the support network because he's fertile. He thinks that I'm too hard on myself because I feel like I"m "broken" a lot of the time. I know he's worried because he cares. But he gave voice to a few "What IF" this weekend.

What IF my wife changes and never comes back because of all of this? What IF she becomes depressed and the strain of all of it hurts our relationship beyond repair?

I have been blind and selfish. I had become so wrapped up in my own problems, fears, and insecurities that I was shutting out the person who is in this with me. I had begun to shut my husband out to protect him from my own pain, perceived short-comings, and mild depression.

Infertility is hard. Each month begins with hope, but for many of us ends in sadness. Our partners are there with us in these struggles. But if we shut them out when they are our main line of support, where does this leave us?

I would not trade any of you wonderful ladies for anything. You come and read about my struggles and help me through the dark times. I have to remember to share the same with my husband. He is my best friend and he's afraid of losing me because I had allowed myself to drift away a little. Rememeber we are in this together, with those who love us best, no matter what.

Weekend musings

We did see a movie yesterday. We took the Young'un to see "How To Train Your Dragon". It was adorable. We don't do the whole 3d thing as 3d does nothing for the half blind husband. So we don't spend the extra money for that. However, we all enjoyed the movie. P also had a good friend who was visiting us for part of the weekend who joined us. He also enjoyed the movie. Today is a bazaar at the convent where P's aunt lives. This is the first time that the Young'un will have been there since she was a baby as the ex doesn't normally let us take her with us. However, it falls on our weekend so she gets to go and enjoy it as well.

In 2 weeks, it will be Mother's Day. I have very mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I love showering my own mother with gifts as well as P's mom with gifts. I love celebrating the women that gave birth to us and the struggles they went through to get us to adulthood. I wasn't perfect and I know P wasn't perfect. At the same time, the day hurts badly for the simple fact that I feel like an impostor when people wish me a happy Mother's Day when we have the Young'un with us on the way to drop her off at the ex's house. Yes, in someways I am a mother. I am legally her step mother. I have been there for the nightmares and accidents in the middle of the night. I've held her when she fell and I've carried her when she was asleep. I've kissed owies and bumps. I've given everything in me for this (not so) little girl who will soon be 11. (11?!? When did she get old enough to be 11?!?) Yes even though I've been a part of her life for 9 years, I still feel like an impostor because I have never given birth to a live child. I am incapable of having a child without medical intervention now. Something inside of me is broken and some days I think maybe the only child I'll ever have is this wonderful girl who goes back to her mother after our weekends and whom we see twice a week for dance. What if this is all the more I ever have? Will it ever be enough? Or will I always feel like the impostor looking in on what could have been if we'd of started trying earlier in life.

Happy Friday!

Today is a most wonderful Friday. Today is payday. Because it was pay day and because the Young'un's birthday is in 13 days with her party in 15 days, I wandered out to do a little shopping. After blowing a little portion of my check on her, I wandered to get some coffee.

This within itself is odd as I don't like coffee. Even odder is that I would go and get coffee because today begins the wonderful 2ww. But it's a nice sunny day here and so I decided to wander in for a nice, cold, non-coffee drink to enjoy with my lunch. See? Eventually logic does enter my brain and I did stop and think before I ordered.

So, I'm now waiting on this last wait before going off to an RE. I'm being stubborn and not even making an appointment at this point in time because I'm afraid to jinx myself. So I'll wait until around 10dpo and think about making an appointment then since I'm sure we'll know if it worked or not just based off of if there is PMS or not.

So, I'll sit here and sip my Double Chip frappachina, enjoy the lots of calories it brings as a treat, and wait. Please, sit and wait with me. I'd really appreciate the company.