Still no CD1

I'm now 17 days late. Tomorrow is the blood test to see if through some odd miracle, I am pregnant. I really wish they would have listened and given me the provera last week. But apparently rules are rules and since P and I were intimate a few days before the appointment, we had to wait a total of 10 days "just in case". Sigh.

To make life more fun, my mom and my sister are at my house for the week for a workshop near where I live. They don't know I'm late and I'm not about to tell them because I can already hear my mom on the phone telling everyone that she's going to be a grandma. This is the same woman who told me I should just go to the hospital and ask for a Haitian orphan, because they are just giving them away apparently.

Once I have results from tomorrow, I'll update at some point in time and fill everyone in. Wish me luck. Your choice on for what.

3 days late

I'm 3 days late. I want to test, but I'm terrified. Afterall, miracle don't just happen do they? In a month where there was an HSG and relations with the husband only once, is there really a chance? Anyone else ever be late after an HSG? Hope is creeping up with each day of being late, yet I know that my chances are really, really small that we managed to get pregnant all on our own. This wait may be the one, but I can't bring myself to find out for sure.

Worries

I'm scared about tomorrow. I don't know what this HSG is giong to reveal. I didn't expect to find out I had a cyst last week and now I'm worried that we're going to find blocked tubes or walls, or who knows what. P is being very blase' about the whole thing and it isn't helping. I want him to hold my hand and tell me it's all going to work out and things will be fine. I want him to come with me tomorrow for moral support. But instead I'm going to the hospital alone, getting the test done alone, and then driving myself home. He's still considering the days for when he'll go in for his own test.

Why do I suddenly feel like a comeplete and total outcast again? I thought I was past this. I share about what's going on with friends. I'm not ashamed about the fact that we dwell in the Land of IF. Yet suddenly as the testing begins I want to go and hide in a corner and pretend that none of it is real.

I think part of my problem is the fact that my high school reunion is in August and with that will come the inevitable questions about children. Are we having any? Do we have any? Plus I'm sure there will be pregnant bellies and new babies as well just from what I've heard through the grapevine and from the couple of people I actually stayed in contact with over the years. Maybe I'll be lucky and be knocked up and keeping a secret at that point in time. And maybe pigs will fly as well. I don't think that little miracle is going to happen, but maybe I'll be wrong.