Four letter words - the IF version

This weekend, as I was silently muttering and cursing under my breath about some real or imagined slight from my husband and step-daughter (PMS. It's a bitch.) I started tho think about what the equivalent of swear words are for those of us suffering through infertility. What are the words that are breathed in reverential terms or have caused us to cry?

The first word that comes to my mind is hope. Hope is a 4 letter word, both literally and figuratively. Hope can lift us up, but it also lets us crash down hard when CD1 arrives. Hope - the ability to ignore the fact that a low sperm count, inability to ovulate, and sex at the wrong time can still lead to a biological child in that cycle. I've fallen prey to it countless times. Each month, it creeps in and then, pulls the rug out from under me.

The second word is period. The dashing of hopes, the end of a cycle. The sign that yet again, anything we did would not end with a baby in 9 months. While not technically 4 letters long, I've been known to mutter it like the most vile curse word on more than one occasion.

Another set of words is baby shower. Nothing sets my heart pounding like a baby shower. The cute little invitation, the prospect of cooing over baby items, the mother-to-be, smiling and rubbing her belly with an almost beatific smile upon her face. The only reaso I go to these things still is because I'm still hopeful that one day I'll have a child as well and I really want the hand-me-downs.

Loss announcements. These bring the stark reality of the fact that even a BFP doesn't always lead to a baby. Each time I read one, it sends pain through me, wondering the what-ifs that plagued me after my own miscarriage.

Pregnancy announcements are by far the worst. I think those can be counted as swear words by infertiles. When one is made you have to fight back tears, smile and pretend to be happy, and make some kind of congratulatory statement. It's difficult, painful, and often just maddening. Invariably it's the 2nd cousin twice removed on your long lost Aunt Mabel's side that wasn't even trying, but oops! She's pregnant. Then she mentions that wouldn't it be great if you got pregnant right away as well? Then you'd be pregnant together and your babies would be the same age. By the end, your blood pressure has spiked, you're seeing red, and the last thing you want to do is be nice.

Just relax. How may times have we heard this. Just relax, you'll get pregnant right away. Who cares that your husband has no sperm. Who cares that you haven't ovulated on your own since high school. All you really need to do is relax. Apparently, it makes babies.

Another favorite that has been accorded 4 letter word status is "Why don't you just adopt?" Because it's so easy to wave a wand and have an adoption ready to go. Because everyone is called to adopt and then once they do, the magically get pregnant as well.

What are some of your infertility 4 letter words?

I'm such a bad wife

P went to get his SA this morning. When he called to tell me about it, I had to work very hard to keep from laughing while we were on the phone.

Apparently, the selection of materials were quite poor and the room rivaled a gas station bathroom in its decor. He was not amused and wanted to know if we could find a different place that wouldn't be as sterile if he ever had to do this again. After laughing hysterically, chortling and snorting with laughter, lovingly offering sympathy for his plight, I may or may not have mentioned that at least his room was behind locked doors and he had more than just a curtain to hide his half naked self from the view of others. At that point he did concede that his was much less invasive than mine.

So there we have it. The testing has begun again (finally) and next up would be the saline hystereoscope for me. That one will be waiting until the new year and the new insurance which will pay more towards the testing. Sadly, still no actual coverage for IUIS or IVF, but we don't yet know if we'll even need those options.

Onward!

Lost in shadows

Today, I feel lost in shadows. I'm an infertile woman. I am one of thousands, but still in the shadows of it all. I schedule appointments for bloodwork, ultrasounds, results, all with the hope that somehow the doctor can find some way of helping me to get pregnant. I'll take pills, give myself shots, be pricked, probed, and prodded so that I may have a child. And yet, I will do it, as will thousands of others.

My private life will be examined by doctors. My family will give well meaning, but hurtful advice. I'll cry myself to sleep more often than I care to admit. There will be doubts, heartache, and fear each step of the way. If adoption is in my future, then even my fitness to be a parent will be questioned.

But I hope that one day I will be a mother, to a child of my own. I don't know the path yet. I don't know the steps. I don't even know if this child will be biological. But one day, I hope there will be a child who calls me mom and it will be the child that is meant to be with me.

I am an infertile woman. I live in the shadows, but I long to be in the light.

Further reflections

This is a follow-up of sorts the the reflections of last week.

Yes, I still attend baby showers. As an infertile woman, it tears me apart inside to see the happiness of the mother-to-be, rubbing her tunny and glowing with pride and joy at the miracle inside. It just rips the band-aid off of the wound in my heart. You may ask, "April, if it hurts so much, why do you go? Why don't you stay home and safe away from these experiences?". The answer is simple, as much as it hurts me, it would hurt just as much to cut these women from my life. These are my friends and family. I am happy for them, that they are about to become a mother. I want to be there to celebrate their happiness. They are important to me. That's why I buy little baby things and make a blanket for each and every shower. Yes, I crochet blankets for each baby shower. I'm beyond insane for that one according to my husband.

Honesty also requires me to admit to selfishness here too. I want them to be there for me, if my time ever comes. I'm afraid that if I skip their showers, then if I ever have need for one, they will look back and say "Well, she didn't come to mine, why should I go to hers?". I know this probably isn't the case. Most of these people at least have an idea of what we are going through. They have heard bits and pieces and understand that we are having difficulties having children.

So there you have it. I go because I care about these women and because I'm selfish.

Still no CD1

I'm now 17 days late. Tomorrow is the blood test to see if through some odd miracle, I am pregnant. I really wish they would have listened and given me the provera last week. But apparently rules are rules and since P and I were intimate a few days before the appointment, we had to wait a total of 10 days "just in case". Sigh.

To make life more fun, my mom and my sister are at my house for the week for a workshop near where I live. They don't know I'm late and I'm not about to tell them because I can already hear my mom on the phone telling everyone that she's going to be a grandma. This is the same woman who told me I should just go to the hospital and ask for a Haitian orphan, because they are just giving them away apparently.

Once I have results from tomorrow, I'll update at some point in time and fill everyone in. Wish me luck. Your choice on for what.

3 days late

I'm 3 days late. I want to test, but I'm terrified. Afterall, miracle don't just happen do they? In a month where there was an HSG and relations with the husband only once, is there really a chance? Anyone else ever be late after an HSG? Hope is creeping up with each day of being late, yet I know that my chances are really, really small that we managed to get pregnant all on our own. This wait may be the one, but I can't bring myself to find out for sure.

Worries

I'm scared about tomorrow. I don't know what this HSG is giong to reveal. I didn't expect to find out I had a cyst last week and now I'm worried that we're going to find blocked tubes or walls, or who knows what. P is being very blase' about the whole thing and it isn't helping. I want him to hold my hand and tell me it's all going to work out and things will be fine. I want him to come with me tomorrow for moral support. But instead I'm going to the hospital alone, getting the test done alone, and then driving myself home. He's still considering the days for when he'll go in for his own test.

Why do I suddenly feel like a comeplete and total outcast again? I thought I was past this. I share about what's going on with friends. I'm not ashamed about the fact that we dwell in the Land of IF. Yet suddenly as the testing begins I want to go and hide in a corner and pretend that none of it is real.

I think part of my problem is the fact that my high school reunion is in August and with that will come the inevitable questions about children. Are we having any? Do we have any? Plus I'm sure there will be pregnant bellies and new babies as well just from what I've heard through the grapevine and from the couple of people I actually stayed in contact with over the years. Maybe I'll be lucky and be knocked up and keeping a secret at that point in time. And maybe pigs will fly as well. I don't think that little miracle is going to happen, but maybe I'll be wrong.

Cyst

Also known as what has been found on my right ovary. This nets me a date with the Magic Dildo-cam again next month. P has to schedule another SA. We're trying to time it so it's on the same day as my HSG. That's next week and will require missing at least part of a day of work. I'm really hoping to be able to go back to work afterward. I'm just trying to figure out how to broach this particular subject with my boss. Any suggestions? It's kind of awkward to have to ask for a half day of personal time after a week of vacation. Somehow, I don't see this going so well, you know?

Anyway, we have not gotten any further results. As they trickle in, I'll update here.

CD1

I'm out. Today I made the appointment with the RE. It's on June 2nd. Here's to the first step in the next chapter of trying to have a baby.

There is a silver lining though. It didn't start on Mother's Day.

Happy Friday!

Today is a most wonderful Friday. Today is payday. Because it was pay day and because the Young'un's birthday is in 13 days with her party in 15 days, I wandered out to do a little shopping. After blowing a little portion of my check on her, I wandered to get some coffee.

This within itself is odd as I don't like coffee. Even odder is that I would go and get coffee because today begins the wonderful 2ww. But it's a nice sunny day here and so I decided to wander in for a nice, cold, non-coffee drink to enjoy with my lunch. See? Eventually logic does enter my brain and I did stop and think before I ordered.

So, I'm now waiting on this last wait before going off to an RE. I'm being stubborn and not even making an appointment at this point in time because I'm afraid to jinx myself. So I'll wait until around 10dpo and think about making an appointment then since I'm sure we'll know if it worked or not just based off of if there is PMS or not.

So, I'll sit here and sip my Double Chip frappachina, enjoy the lots of calories it brings as a treat, and wait. Please, sit and wait with me. I'd really appreciate the company.

Soundtrack

In my world, life has a soundtrack. Music has been a huge part of my life and as such, in my head I have my little "radio" that lays random tunes. Now before you think I'm nuts and that I've lost whatever of my mind still remains, I assure you I am fine. (Yes, I know crazy people never think they are crazy. The difference is I know I'm crazy.) Anywho, soundtracks. Lately I've had 1 song playing over and over in my head and also in my car since I have the cd on repeat. Matchbox 20's "Long Day". This song has been playing for the following lines: "Reach down your hand in your paocket / Pull out some hope for me. / It's been a long day, always ain't that right. / No lord your hand won't stop it / Just keep it trembling / It's been a long day always, ain't that right." Yes, the chorus of this kinda depressing song has become my current theme song for this cycle. Because I need to hope and I'm finding it hard to do so before ovulation has even occurred.

I have no idea why I'm so negative about this cycle. Maybe because it's the last before the next step, if the next step is needed? Maybe because it seems that everyone I know IRL is making pregnancy announcements at the moment? (I knew this was going to happen when we got 3 feet of snow in February. Somehow, I just knew there would be lots of babies coming.) Maybe it's because I'm scared that it will work and then I'll be in a different world than what I've known. I'll be the elusive exectant mother. I know it happens, I've met them. But it doesn't seem to stick for me so it seems like a dream. A really nice dream that's just beyond my fingertips. Still, if you can reach down and pull out some hope to share, Lord knows I need it this month.

Last day of Clomid!

YAY! I hope I never have to go back on this stuff for as long as I live. I'm hoping it will help us achieve our goal of having a child, but the side effects do not make it something I would want to have to do more rounds with. Anyway, we're about a week away from the 2WW, so that means lots of time alone with the husband. He's as happy that I took the last pill today as I am. He mentions something about missing his wife because some crazy whacko showed up to take her place. I have no idea what he would be referring to as I was a perfectly calm, cool, and collected woman who would never shriek like a banshee because he did something dumb, stupid, thoughtless, etc to his wife who had crazy medication amplifying everything in her brain. No, not me. Never. So anyway, i guess the whole purpose is to say that we survived 4 rounds of clomid and lived to tell about it.

A post from another

A little pregnant has posted about some new ads about infertility. They are worth watching. i know I can see myself in some of these and I can see P as well. Maybe ads like these will help spread the word about how much this really and truly does hurt. One can hope.

CD 5 / Day 3

Okay, now I'm worried because there have been no side effects of the annoying kind so far this cycle. I was prepared for the jitters, the night sweats, the general crankiness and craziness that characterized the last two times I was on this medication. However, this time there is nothing. And now I wonder if it's working. For what it's worth, my protocol for this month is 100mg on days 3-7. Sex starts on CD10. Yay. More scheduled intamacy with my husband. I miss spontaniety.

Is there ever a time in this journey when there isn't something niggling at the back of our heads? What if I'm pregnant this time? What if I'm not? Do we want to do another round of treatments? Do we stay on this path or search for another? When do the questions end? Do the end? I know as a step-parent I question everything constantly. I hope that maybe if I ever have one of my own, maybe I won't question as much, though I'm sure Iwill. Probably even more than I do now. We'll see. It's all in God's hands for me.

CD3 / Day 1

The clomid begins again. So far, no jitters, hot flashes, or irrational mood swings, but it's only 9:30 in the morning. We'll see how this week goes.

To make this week even more fun, it's tech week for a show for which I'm running a light board. This means rehearsals every evening and short sleep every night. P is building it and running the sound. The young'un is dancing in it as it's for her ballet school. Oh well. Nothing like added stress to compliment the extra hormonal infertile, right? At least on Friday after the show there will be drinking. massive drinking. By massive, I mean 1 as I have the tolerance of a gnat. But it counts, right?

So anyway, the gist of this is I'm back in the saddle and ready to try and make a baby. Please God, let this time work.

Clomid Observations

Having taken this medice for a cycle and gone through the subsequent period, I have a few observations to make.

1. I hate night sweats. Every night while taking the pills, I wake up drenched.
2. PMS + me = Royal Bitch.
3. Finding out still no ovulation - 3 days of on and off crying.
4. Period cramps much worse
5. Period shorter by a day. This was actually a GOOD thing, well at least I think it is.
6. My husband cowers in mock fear when I turn into above mentioned Royal Bitch. It doesn't help his case at all.
7. Wondering if it will work this time and questioning even taking it at all at this point causes even more worry, tension, and stress, none of which helps ovulation or TTC.

We'll see how things go this month and see where everything is at in 3 weeks when I get the next bloodwork results. However, I'm beginnning to question if I want to take this stuff for a third month or just go straight to an RE, after getting the referal so that I can go to an RE.

I have a confession

Bless me IF sisters, for I have sinned. 1 year ago I bought yarn to crochet a baby blanket for the baby I was sure I would have by now.

Yes, I know. Buying things for babies of your own when infertile is a huge taunt. Yes, I knew this when I bought it, but I was in denial and the yarn was so pretty, and it was on sale. This is how I rationalized my purchase. I can be very rational in my own mind when yarn is on the line. However, I am confessing this sin now because last night after a nice huge fight with my husband, I went to my stash of yarn to pull out something new and pretty to start a project, even though I have 4 other projects in various stages in my crochet bag at this very moment. When I went to my stash, most of what I found were balls of cotton purchased to make baby bibs for presents (Yes, I make handmade baby gifts. I am truly a glutton for punishment), several hanks that needed wound and since I have no swift and I wasn't about to ask the man who had just pissed me off to hold it for me, those were ruled out, and a bag of yarn for a baby blanket. My baby's blanket. I pulled out the yarn and cried over it. Sobbed actually.

This of course brought about another fight with the husband. Why was I crying over some silly yarn? It was just yarn. He didn't understand that it was what the yarn symbolized. He didn't understand that I wasn't crying over the yarn, I was crying over the baby we didn't have while standing in the nursery that isn't a nursery. It's the computer room / junk room / non-existent spare bedroom. Last night it all hit me. Tomorrow I go for my day 21 bloodwork to see if the clomid caused me to ovulate. Even if it did, I know that the cycle is a failure because we've both been to ill to even really want to make like a bunny, let alone actually be able to perform said act.

So please, bless me sisters for I am in dire need either of having my butt kicked for buying for a baby I wasn't even expecting or for absolution because it was bought out of hope.

First round, down

On New Year's Day, I took the last of my 5 days of clomid. Now we're onto the fun portion of this program, if you see scheduled intercourse as fun. Sadly, P does not. However, he's ready and willing, so to speak. Now we have as much fun as possible this week, get blood work drawn next week to confirm ovulation, and then we wait and hope. If this one doesn't work, we have 2 more cycles of clomid left.

There has been a stroke of luck in our quest for a child. I accepted a new job in December. the benefits include adoption assistance after 2 years and IF testing and treatment for things that can be fixed are covered. However, it does not cover IUIs or IVF. But this does open more options for us. This means I can go to an RE if the clomid fails. We're really hoping the clomid doesn't fail. If it appears no biological child is in the cards, we will most likely pursue adoption. P isn't worried about a biological child since he has the young'un from his first marriage. He could care less if any children have his DNA or not. The same here. We just want to be parents. We will get there, one day.

No miracle here

I know I said I'd be back next year, but I wanted to give an update. Our hopes ended 2 days early on the day after Christmas. my consolation prize is that we did have Christmas before we found out. Today I took my first dose of clomid. I cried when I picked it up from the pharmacy. Well, I cried in the car afterwards. I didn't walk through the store with tears streaming down my face, though I wanted to do so. So for the next 4 days I take another pill and then we see where this leads. In my heart I know it's the beginning of the end. I just don't know what that end is yet.

Crawling out of the hole for a moment

Hello all. I am better, I am on a new cycle, and there is no clomid in my system yet. As stated in the previous post, we're waiting to get through the holidays for our sanity if nothing else. So this is my last unmedicated cycle. We then have 3 months to decide where to go if the clomid doesn't work. And the sad truth is we don't have a clue. On some level we think maybe a couple of IUI's. But our insurance doesn't cover that so it would be out of pocket. On another level, we think maybe adoption. But we aren't sure on that either. It's confusing and scary, and a whole new world that is ahead. But first, we try clomid.