I'm not dead, I swear

It's odd what happens when you step away from writing on something like this, even when it's unintentional like always seems to happen to me.  At first it's just a week and a week isn't a big deal.  Then two weeks, then a month.  Suddenly you realize it's been since November and now it's the middle of April and you've been silent, living in your own little world and not letting out the things in your mind.

That's been me the last few months.  Since deciding not to continue with treatments, I've been dealing with a whole host of emotions, few of them happy.  It's not an easy road and coming to terms with the decision has been hard and continues to be hard.  Infertility, it's not for the faint of heart.  Each day brings its own challenges and its rewards.

For now, I am still here and I am coming back.  In fact, I'll be back as part of the Barren Bitches Book Club reviewing Lori's book.  If you haven't joined yet, you should. It's been an enlightening read for me so far and I am looking forward to the discussion that it will bring about.

Letter to myself

Dear Me,

I know this weekend was rough.  We decided that we weren't going to pursue fertility treatments because the cost is so high, the emotional strain too much, and the fact that we've been loosing ourselves in all of this.  I know it was hard, but it's the right thing to do.

I wanted to tell you that choosing this path is not a sign of failure or that you gave up.  I want you to remember that it's okay to not want to go through IVF. It's okay that we chose to not pursue our journey through treatments any further.  It's okay to admit that it was hard, wearing, and so damned difficult on us.  It was stressful and took so much joy from life.  It was hard on P as well and he's suffered watching us suffer.

Remember that biology does not mean a child isn't yours.  Look at J.  She's beautiful, smart, funny, and as much yours as if you had given birth to her.  If we choose as a family to pursue adoption at a later date, that's fine as well.  But choosing to remain childless is not a failure.  It's okay to not have a baby.  It's okay to mourn and then let go.

For now, what we need to do is remember what we used to do when we weren't worrying about getting pregnant all the time and start doing those things again.  We need to reconnect with our husband who has stood by this whole time.  We need to learn to laugh again.  It's time to let go and find our joy and learn to be our self again.

You are wonderful and you will be okay again.

Love,
Me

Ramblings

The holidays are coming.  Each year, I wish and hope so much that this will be the year that we'll get pregnant, that I'll be able to make an announcement at a holiday that we're adding to the family.  Each year brings disappointment and sadness in that respect. This year will be no different.

At what point do we give up hope?  I know other women get pregnant and have babies into their 40's, but I don't think that's the path that I'll follow. Do I go with the progesterone that was a 6.1 on day 21? Do I go with the fact that my AMH was tested but I wasn't given the numbers, but now Dr. Cool and the Gang want me to come in for a follow-up to see what protocol I should follow for the treatments we don't even know if we can afford since the price tag varies wildly between 6k and 12k with medications?

When we got married, I had stars and hope in my eyes.  I was sure this was going to be easy, that I'd have a baby within a year or so. Now I'm looking at what is probably the end of my journey towards a child without ever getting the chance to try.  It hurts.  It hurts so much I can't breathe at times.  It hurts so much that at times, I can't even cry.  Other times, the tears fall unbidden at the site of something as innocent as a baby bootie left behind by a child who doesn't like to keep their feet covered.  Seeing J's baby sister is a knife of unimaginable pain.  I wish so much that we had been the ones to give her a sibling, to bring a new life into the world.

One of my co-workers who knows about our struggles has an infant son.  She is of the well-meaning but clueless camp.  She likes to tell me about how all I need to do is relax and I'll get pregnant so quick I won't believe how easy it was.  When I try to explain that there are medical reasons that I'm unable to conceive, she tells me that the doctors are wrong and I should just be more at ease with myself.  Ah, if only that were the key to all of our struggles, ignore the doctors and relax.  Just think of how easily infertility could be cured!

As I've said so many times before, I wish that it was easier for us, that the miscarriage all those years ago had not happened.  I want a child that calls me Mom.  The fact that it's very unlikely to happen hurts.  I wonder what I did to deserve this, but I know that it's something that happens, that I didn't do anything to cause it.  I know that by the time spring arrives here, my journey will have ended one way or another. It's coming and the knowledge it may end up childless hurts.

Decisions

I'm sure people have noticed that I haven't written a post in almost 2 months.  There's a reason for it.  P and I are talking about our path and we may be coming to the end of trying to have children.  It hasn't been decided yet, but he's not sure that he wants to pursue treatments at this time.  Since I'm 35, this means that our time for treatments is dwindling if we want to be realistic about our chances.  We have discussed adoption, but he's not entirely sure that it is the course that he wants to pursue.  Essentially, at this time we are in the same holding pattern that we've been in since 2009, stuck and going no where. 

We also have to take into account the fact that the Young'un is 13 and a half.  She's in 8th grade.  This means that in the spring of 2017, she will graduate and be off to college.  Do we want to be starting over with a young child with one in college?

I am still reading and sending good wishes to everyone.  I do still want to share my journey.  I just don't know which path it is taking now and until I do, I'll be maintaining radio silence.

Happy birthday to me?

Yesterday was my birthday.  I turned 35.  It was a good birthday yesterday.  Today, it all went straight to hell.

I had my follow-up with Dr. Cool and his merry band of medical students and fellows.  The end result is that he recommends IVF because we had a bad SA once 2 years ago and my progesterone was low & my FSH was high once two years ago.  We're now considered both male & female factor, even though all other numbers have been fine in subsequent tests.  The only good news is that he doesn't recommend clo.mid at all.  Thank goodness for small miracles.  I'll take those where I can find them.

I'm in shock and have cried a lot of tears this afternoon.  He uses ARC for most of his patients.  This would seem to be wonderful at first look until the fact that any woman that has had a miscarriage cannot be funded through their main programs and can only do a fertility loan through them.  I was actually excited about the fact that this could happen until I found the application that listed their requirements on it. Then the little bubble of hope popped.

P spent some time looking around and wants to think about grants and loans which is fine.  I just feel completely and utterly discouraged at this point.  I had hoped that we would have gotten unexplained and told to have lots of fun in the bedroom and that IVF would only be a possibility if that didn't work.

We'll probably spend quite a bit of time over the next several days talking about what are options are and what we want to do.  I'm sure there will be many tears and even more wine.

I don't want this to end without a child, but I'm starting to wonder if it isn't in the cards for us.  I'm wondering if one day we'll decide that we aren't going to try anymore and that there will be no babies to call me Mom, that I'll be child-free.

Results part 5?

We have the SA results.  And the numbers were better than last time.

34 million for the count, 63% for motility, and 13% for morphology.

Now, I just need to hear back from the nurses to schedule the follow-up and we'll finally be ready to see what the next steps are.

I might be a mom yet.

3 weeks? Really?

I see it's been 3 weeks since I last posted.  I swear it wasn't intentional.  I've just been busy and didn't remember to do something as simple as post.  Granted, it's been that way a lot in the last few months, but this time I promise.  I"ll post more.  Really.

P has his SA on Tuesday.  Finally, more progress.  Starting over from the beginning is not my idea of fun.  Of course, him taking several months to schedule his appointment is not my idea of fun either, but he is finally doing it so that is something.

I had a couple of phone interviews for jobs, but nothing came of them so I'm still applying and hoping.  I am making use of the time off though.  I'm making appointments for things that I never really have time for, like the eye doctor or the dentist because when I was working, I didn't have the time to take and the weekends are usually booked with the activities for the Young'un. However, I actually have time so I'm making use of it.

That's really all that is going on here.  Everyone here is fine.  Once I have the results, I'll share and once the follow-up appointment is completed, I'll share that as well.