Ramblings

The holidays are coming.  Each year, I wish and hope so much that this will be the year that we'll get pregnant, that I'll be able to make an announcement at a holiday that we're adding to the family.  Each year brings disappointment and sadness in that respect. This year will be no different.

At what point do we give up hope?  I know other women get pregnant and have babies into their 40's, but I don't think that's the path that I'll follow. Do I go with the progesterone that was a 6.1 on day 21? Do I go with the fact that my AMH was tested but I wasn't given the numbers, but now Dr. Cool and the Gang want me to come in for a follow-up to see what protocol I should follow for the treatments we don't even know if we can afford since the price tag varies wildly between 6k and 12k with medications?

When we got married, I had stars and hope in my eyes.  I was sure this was going to be easy, that I'd have a baby within a year or so. Now I'm looking at what is probably the end of my journey towards a child without ever getting the chance to try.  It hurts.  It hurts so much I can't breathe at times.  It hurts so much that at times, I can't even cry.  Other times, the tears fall unbidden at the site of something as innocent as a baby bootie left behind by a child who doesn't like to keep their feet covered.  Seeing J's baby sister is a knife of unimaginable pain.  I wish so much that we had been the ones to give her a sibling, to bring a new life into the world.

One of my co-workers who knows about our struggles has an infant son.  She is of the well-meaning but clueless camp.  She likes to tell me about how all I need to do is relax and I'll get pregnant so quick I won't believe how easy it was.  When I try to explain that there are medical reasons that I'm unable to conceive, she tells me that the doctors are wrong and I should just be more at ease with myself.  Ah, if only that were the key to all of our struggles, ignore the doctors and relax.  Just think of how easily infertility could be cured!

As I've said so many times before, I wish that it was easier for us, that the miscarriage all those years ago had not happened.  I want a child that calls me Mom.  The fact that it's very unlikely to happen hurts.  I wonder what I did to deserve this, but I know that it's something that happens, that I didn't do anything to cause it.  I know that by the time spring arrives here, my journey will have ended one way or another. It's coming and the knowledge it may end up childless hurts.

Decisions

I'm sure people have noticed that I haven't written a post in almost 2 months.  There's a reason for it.  P and I are talking about our path and we may be coming to the end of trying to have children.  It hasn't been decided yet, but he's not sure that he wants to pursue treatments at this time.  Since I'm 35, this means that our time for treatments is dwindling if we want to be realistic about our chances.  We have discussed adoption, but he's not entirely sure that it is the course that he wants to pursue.  Essentially, at this time we are in the same holding pattern that we've been in since 2009, stuck and going no where. 

We also have to take into account the fact that the Young'un is 13 and a half.  She's in 8th grade.  This means that in the spring of 2017, she will graduate and be off to college.  Do we want to be starting over with a young child with one in college?

I am still reading and sending good wishes to everyone.  I do still want to share my journey.  I just don't know which path it is taking now and until I do, I'll be maintaining radio silence.

Happy birthday to me?

Yesterday was my birthday.  I turned 35.  It was a good birthday yesterday.  Today, it all went straight to hell.

I had my follow-up with Dr. Cool and his merry band of medical students and fellows.  The end result is that he recommends IVF because we had a bad SA once 2 years ago and my progesterone was low & my FSH was high once two years ago.  We're now considered both male & female factor, even though all other numbers have been fine in subsequent tests.  The only good news is that he doesn't recommend clo.mid at all.  Thank goodness for small miracles.  I'll take those where I can find them.

I'm in shock and have cried a lot of tears this afternoon.  He uses ARC for most of his patients.  This would seem to be wonderful at first look until the fact that any woman that has had a miscarriage cannot be funded through their main programs and can only do a fertility loan through them.  I was actually excited about the fact that this could happen until I found the application that listed their requirements on it. Then the little bubble of hope popped.

P spent some time looking around and wants to think about grants and loans which is fine.  I just feel completely and utterly discouraged at this point.  I had hoped that we would have gotten unexplained and told to have lots of fun in the bedroom and that IVF would only be a possibility if that didn't work.

We'll probably spend quite a bit of time over the next several days talking about what are options are and what we want to do.  I'm sure there will be many tears and even more wine.

I don't want this to end without a child, but I'm starting to wonder if it isn't in the cards for us.  I'm wondering if one day we'll decide that we aren't going to try anymore and that there will be no babies to call me Mom, that I'll be child-free.

Results part 5?

We have the SA results.  And the numbers were better than last time.

34 million for the count, 63% for motility, and 13% for morphology.

Now, I just need to hear back from the nurses to schedule the follow-up and we'll finally be ready to see what the next steps are.

I might be a mom yet.

3 weeks? Really?

I see it's been 3 weeks since I last posted.  I swear it wasn't intentional.  I've just been busy and didn't remember to do something as simple as post.  Granted, it's been that way a lot in the last few months, but this time I promise.  I"ll post more.  Really.

P has his SA on Tuesday.  Finally, more progress.  Starting over from the beginning is not my idea of fun.  Of course, him taking several months to schedule his appointment is not my idea of fun either, but he is finally doing it so that is something.

I had a couple of phone interviews for jobs, but nothing came of them so I'm still applying and hoping.  I am making use of the time off though.  I'm making appointments for things that I never really have time for, like the eye doctor or the dentist because when I was working, I didn't have the time to take and the weekends are usually booked with the activities for the Young'un. However, I actually have time so I'm making use of it.

That's really all that is going on here.  Everyone here is fine.  Once I have the results, I'll share and once the follow-up appointment is completed, I'll share that as well.

ICLW

Welcome ICLWers!  I'm April and this is my little corner of the internet.  I'm married to P and have a 13 year old step-daughter, the Young'un.  Please feel free to poke around and stay a while. For a quick introduction, here's 10 things about me!

1. I love to crochet.  Adore it.
2. I play violin and teach it one night a week.
3. I was recently laid off from my job, but I'm actually okay with this.
4. I have 2 dogs, Indy and Bruno.
5. I'm an avid reader and go through at least 2 books a week.
6. My favorite shows are How I Met Your Mother, NCIS, Bones, Dr. Who, & Glee.
7. I love to bake, but refuse to bake in the summer.  It's too hot.
8. I'm at the beach on vacation this week and I'm loving the break from reality.
9. My favorite place to go is Dis.ney World.  To me it really is the happiest place on Earth.
10. I'm re-reading the whole Harry Potter series for an unknown number of time because I love it.

SHG & numbers

Today was not a pleasant day in the stirrups.  Today I had an SHG and a Fem-View.  The results were wonderful and better than I had hoped to receive.  The process to get there, not so much.

After arriving at the clinic and getting the expected negative pregnancy test, I then whiled away 2 hours at the hospital and then returned for the next stage of the program.  This was a date with the ever popular dildo-cam.  After determining that there wasn't going to be dinner, flowers, or even a drink before having my intimate encounter, I laid back, put my feet up, and then spent the next 45 minutes in great discomfort. 

I was not prepared for that at all.  After all, the HSG barely hurt.  It just resulted in embarrassment from kicking the doctor in the head.  I do actually feel bad about that, really I do.  Okay, only a little bit bad after today.

After a very uncomfortable ultrasound where the nurse mentions how she didn't realize my uterus was so retroverted, the nurse practitioner came in and the fun began.  First the speculum didn't want to fit properly.  That was fun.  The after that was done and the catheter in, the pain began.  It was not fun.  There was pain, pressure, and quite a lot of embarrassment.  But the results were good for the SHG.  No scare tissue, no polyps, no fibroids, and a nice good lining.  YAY!!!!! 

Then the Fem-View began.  This added the fun of air and saline being pushed through the lady bits and added the addition of a male drug rep who kept requesting for everything to be shot through again so he could see it on the ultrasound.  He also kept saying that I shouldn't be feeling anything while they were doing the test.  My reply was something along the lines of "So says the person who isn't having it done.".  The NP and the nurse both laughed.  The drug rep was not amused.

The end result of the Fem-View (which saved me from another HSG) is that both tubes are clear.  Dr. Cool gave me an A+ when he came in to review the results with me.  In addition, I got my blood work numbers from last week.  Estrogen - 5.5, FSH - 439, Lh - 1.8, prolactin - 16.5.  All are within normal amounts and he is pleased.

The next step is for P to go and have another SA done.  He's calling on Monday to set up his appointment.

This time, barring unforeseen circumstances like say, ear surgery, we might just have a chance to start treatments and maybe have a baby.  Just maybe.