Lonely

I'm lonely. There, I've admitted it. I don't have many friends who live near me that I'm close to so I don't go out often. Most of the people I see frequently are either co-workers or dance moms as the Young'un has been dancing since she was tiny. But I don't feel comfortable talking to these people outside of the context in which I normally see them. I feel like an imposter to the moms as I'm not a full-time parent. I'm only a parent in the eyes of the world two evenings a week and every other weekend, even though I worry about her constantly and miss her all the time. As for my co-workers, I see them at work. After that, we don't really have anything in common.

My husband is working crazy hours and we rarely see each other. When he does get home, all he wants to do is complain about his day and mine seems inconsequential in comparison. In fact, he doesn't even ask about my day often. It just doesn't seem important to him because he's so wrapped up in his own problems.

It seems I tend to spend most of my time in my own company, watching tv with my dogs. They like to fight over who sits on the couch next to me. I just want something warm to cuddle with in the evenings. I'd prefer human companionship, but it isn't always possible most evenings.

I know I'm lucky that he comes home each evening, that he loves me and we do spend time together, usually on the weekends. But damn it, I'm lonely and sometimes I want to talk to someone too.

I survived

I did. I feel like I've had my ear cut off and sewn back on (which in a way I did) and like a truck has hit me at different point during the last few days, but the ear surgery was a "technical success" according to my doctor. This means that once it's healed and I'm cleared to resume, we start back on the make a baby quest.

Would I do this surgery again if I had to (and there is a chance I may have to because apparently the rupture was significantly larger than expected) yes. Not because I enjoyed the process because didn't. but because I"m sick of ear infections. I don't know if I'll get all of my hearing back. We won't know that until after the hearing tests after it's had time to heal a lot more. That's a minimum of 6 weeks away.

For now, I'm hanging out at home for the rest of this week. I'm trying to take it easy and tending to fail a bit on that as I'm not used to just sitting around and not doing anything. Yet, i feel like I've been running all day long. Go figure.

Anyway, this is the promised after surgery update. The surgery seems to have gone well. I'll know more in about 6-8 weeks. Then, it's back into the proverbial saddle for Dr. Cool again.

Surgery is scheduled

9/20/11 and they are going to fix the hole in my head. I'm strangely fine with this, eyt at the same time the more I think about it the more the nerves are jumping around in the pit of my stomache. I'm even second guessing this. I need to get the hole repaired because the constant ear infections and hearing loss are not good things for me or my family. But this doesn't mean I'm not terrified of it as well. ARGH! I wish there was a crystal ball to tell me if everything would be fixed after this or not.

Welcome from ICLW!!!

Hello and welcome! My name is April. I'm married to P and we just celebrated our 4th anniversary this week. I have a 12 year old step-daughter, The Young'un. We have been trying to have our first child together for 4 years. We have two dogs, Indy and Bruno.

We are currently on a break because of ear surgery for me that will hopefully be coming soon to repair a ruptured ear drum It's a long story, but it's somewhere in the archives, I promise. We recently found out that the ex-wife is expecting a child in February and it's been driving me to drink since. I'm coming to terms with it slowly.

Thanks for stopping by and feel free to poke around the archives!

Happy ICLW!

Further afternath from Friday

I still haven't come to terms with the news, even though I've had a week to process and think and dwell on it. And think and dwell I have. Right now, I feel as though I'm in a fog and like my emotions are numb and packed away. My mind is a muddled jumble of thoughts that are all over the place and yet I can't seem to concentrate on any one thought for any length of time.

Right now, I find myself losing myself in either playing my violin or listening to songs that seem to match my mood. This has been how I've dealt with things before and I know that when the need for the music to which I'm listening begins to pass that my subconscious mind has processed everything and that I'm ready to talk about what's on my mind.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to come to terms with this before dance and school start up in the fall, if for no reason other than I will get to watch the ex grow weekly and swell with her fertility. Maybe I can convince P to do the majority of the drop offs / pick-ups? Though to be honest that isn't fair to any of us because I've been the main person at dance classes for 7 years and we both drop her off after she's been at our house most of the time. It's time together and I know in my heart that I wouldn't change that.

Time will help and time will make things easier and harder all at the same time. The reality is that in February there's a new baby coming into the dynamics of my life and I'm still not the mother and I won't be any form of a mother to this child. But I will do my damnedest to help the transition from only child to big sister for the kiddo. She deserves that and that at least I can do.

Happy Birthday to me

Today is my birthday. I'm 34. Next year I get tagged with "Advanced Maternal Age", if I ever manage to get pregnant again. I am determined that the news on Friday will not spoil my birthday. Determined I tell you. Tonight, I get to go out to dinner to the resaurant of my choice. I'll have cake. I'll smile. I'll enjoy today. Tomorrow is soon enough to dwell again.

Blogging 3 sheets to the wind

Or why I probably shouldn't be sitting down at the computer and typing after I've been drinking. The ex-wife dropped off the kiddo tonight and made the announcement she is due in February. She left and I began drinking. I'm not a big drinker, but I'm still at it and may continue for a bit tonight. Just when I was starting to come to terms with this whole infertility thing, at least a little bit in my mind, the universe decides that I need smacked in the face with the reality that others get pregnant at the drop of a hat and after 4 years of trying, I've had no babies.

Damn it, this sucks. Happy birthday and anniversary to me. My husband's ex-wife is having a baby.