Theme Song Thursday

A while ago, Heather tried to start up Theme Song Thursday. Sadly, it didn't take off, but it does cross my mond frequently. Below is the link to the Mumford & Sons song "Little Lion Man". I've only recently found out about this badn though they have been around for a few years. Yes, I do tend to be behind the times. They played on the Grammys and I found them 3 weeks ago. However, right now they are one of the groups I'm listening to a lot. This song is a reminder to me that if I'm not careful, I can hurt those that are closest to me in this journey through IF. So, what's in you? What's your theme song this week?

Little Lion Man

Men really are from Mars

A fair warning about this post. I'm about to rant about my husband and our differing views on infertility. I love my husband dearly. However, he really does seem to know the best way to push all the buttons that will spark a fight. This isn't something he does often, but he did manage it this weekend.

Did you know that I am obsessive about infertility because I have researched it? I didn't realize that wanting to know what was going on in my own body and why things weren't working right was a bad thing. I'm also apparently all consumed with wanting a child and this stress MUST be what is causing the main problem. Apparently a low sperm count and poor morphology doesn't contribute to the problem at all. Go figure.

Apparently, I also need therapy because I'm unhappy that we aren't able to have children. I guess I must have missed the rainbows and puppies stages of all of this. Did someone see a unicorn around? I hear they fart glitter on us infertiles and that will solve all of our unhappiness.

I should also ignore the fact that time is running out for us to have children. He actually pulled out examples of celebrities having babies into their late 40's. Yep, he went there. Add in the fact his cousin's family is being built through IVF (which he thought was actually IUI) and everything worked out the first time with twins and 3 frozen embryos to boot. I admit to being jealous that it worked, but I also listened and understood everything when they were telling us about the 5 IUIs including 3 rounds of injectibles and that was after several rounds of clomid. But he thinks we have all the time in the world and that 1 round of any kind of assisted fertilization is going to work perfectly and give us the family of our dreams.

He's also decided that since clomid does such evil bad things to my brain (and he does have a valid point on that one because clomid does make me crazy) that if the RE prescribes it, he doesn't want me to take it. So he's now an RE, but doesn't know the difference between an IUI or an IVF.

Add in the fact he was spouting off about how I'm too stressed and stress make people infertile and how I shouldn't be reading blogs or looking things up so that I can be informed about my health, it ended up being one heck of a blow-up.

The end result is that he now wants me to tell him what I need him to do to help me. When I said that I would appreciate help around the house as it would ease some of my stress, I was told he meant emotionally. Go figure. I said coming to the appointments would be helpful as I hated feeling alone at Dr. Cool's office. That was shot down because he doesn't have the time for that kind of stuff unless I can schedule after business hours. So essentially, he wants things to continue as they are, but he wants a pat on the head because he offered to help me even though he shot down all the things I said would help me.

In conclusion, I feel like men are from Mars in the infertility world. I know there are some wonderful men blogging about it out there. I have shared your sites with my husband, but he doens't feel like they are what he needs at this point. So we continue to muddle through and I'll continue to research, read blogs, and seek support from the ALI community.

Monday, Monday

I have a major case of the Mondays today. However, for once none of it is related to infertility. Yeah, I know. It shocked me too.

My day so far has consisted of leaving my lap top at home and realzing it when I was less than 5 minutes from work. I had to go back, get it, and then get back to work. Then I left it in my car and had to go back to get it from there. Total time lost: 1.5 hours.

After 2 days on vacation, I was greeted with an e-mail inbox full of things. Each person who had e-mailed felt that their request was the most important thing to which I should be giving my attention. Needless to say, some people were a bit disappointed that they weren't quite as important on the list as they thought they would be.

Now it's lunch time. My lunch? It's at home too.

Maybe this is a sign that I should have stayed home today?

Tea exchange idea

Last week, Mel mentioned talked about her recent exploration of new teas. This got me thinking about a tea exchange I had participated in with another group through Ravelry. Would anyone be interested in participating in something like this in the ALI community?

I'd be willing to organize this and set up the initial list and outgoing tea box. Things included in the other exchange were teas of all different kinds, chocolate, tea theme related gizmos and gadgets (a cozy, an infuser ball, bookmarks, etc.), Kool-Aide, and hot chocolate. Because it was also for a knit / crochet board things like yarn, patterns, stitch markers, and other yarn-y type items were also included. I would be open to ideas for additional items to be included for a more ALI themed box.

Proposed Rules of the Box
1. You may take as little or much as you want. The only requirement is to put back at least the amount of what you take. (here maybe add that yarn & small knitting/crocheting knick-knacks are also acceptable).
2. Please try to keep the box only one week, and contact me if it will take longer.
3. Every time the box is sent out there will be delivery confirmation purchased with it. I leave to your discretion on whether you want to ship by parcel post or priority, but delivery confirmation is only about seventy-five cents and a must.

If anyone is interested, please comment on this thread or e-mail me at april.pachuta@gmail.com

The infertile hell

Also known as the baby department. If you are wondering why I was there, again, it's because of the baby shower next weekend. I thought I'd be able to do it this time without feeling the pain and the desire to break down into tears. I was wrong.

All of those cute little outfits, the toys, the bedding, the hopes and dreams. All of it there, beckoning and calling to me and so far from my reality it's sad and crushing. I walk into the store ready to face all of it, sure that since it's for a fellow infertile I can do this. Yet again, I leave with a sad filled heart, yearning for what is so far out of reach.

I have a bag filled with small items of clothing, with blankets ready to wrap newborn babies. I will find 2 cards, make 3 blankets, make 3 pairs of booties. I'll smile, fill the presents with love, and try and celebrate the coming new lives into our family.

And I'll die a little more inside while I do it.

A post in bullet points

• Spring has sprung here in Pittsburgh. There are flowers, leaves on the trees, birds nesting on my front porch. Okay, so the bird on the front porch isn't a great sign of spring. Mama Bird likes to dive bomb people as the enter or leave the house thinking we're after her eggs. But the rest of it is good.



• I'm trying to approach spring with a better attitude than I did winter. I want to embrace the new life all around me. I want to embrace the warmth. But at the same time, I was sure that I'd be expecting a baby by spring. After all, I was going to the RE last summer at long last. Obviously, it hasn't worked as there's been no treatment yet.
  



• A woman I used to be in a book club with recently miscarried her pregnancy. Part of me wants to invite her here, to our corner of the world for some support and love. But at the same time, she has a 4 year old and got pregnant with her second in only 2 months of trying. The miscarriage took place at 10 weeks. It actually happened over a month ago, but I have no clue about how to reach out to a woman who announced a pregnancy at 8 weeks that was showing growth restriction. I can't imagine announcing a pregnancy at 8 weeks. Hell, I can't imaginge announcing a pregnancy at this point in time.



• Mother's Day was really rough, but there were no tears, no tantrums, and only some regret that it wasn't how I thought it would be this year.



• I have a doublebaby shower for a set of twins and a singleton to attend in 2.5 weeks. I found out about it on Saturday. One of the mothers (the one with twins who I don't resent because she's one of us and they are IVF twins) has requested blankets and booties made by me. I'm now trying to figure out how I"m going to get 3 blankets and 3 pairs of booties made in 2.5 weeks with a birthday party for the young'un this weekend.



• P and I have talked recently about me being able to stay home instead of working. part of me loves the idea of being able to stay home and not have to worry about work and take care of my family and work towards having a baby. The other part of me is questioning if we really could make it work and if I could really give up my independence in that way.

That's really about it. Any of these is worthy of a post, but my brain is too fried to write it. I will make my way back and start posting again soon. I promise.

Me and my ruptured ear drum

I've gotten lots of questions about this so here's the information that I can share about my experience with it.

1. It sucks, a lot. Not because I'm in pain. I actually only have pain in the ear if it is infected. Currently, it is not. It sucks because I have lost over half of my hearing until it is repaired.

2. I can't hear people clearly when there is more than 1 person talking. It really makes family gatherings / work / anything involving people difficult. Restaurants are very difficult for me because I can't follow conversations right now. The theme park will be impossible unless the ear is repaired before then.

3. When it is repaired, the doctor is going to graft skin over the damaged ear drum to replace what is missing. This should restore most if not all of my hearing. however, it will involve at least a week off of work and lots and lots of antibiotics to keep the ear from getting infected and causing the graft to fail. In this case, failure is really bad and puts me below square 1 on the ear.

4. I now turn the TV up really loud because overall, I am now missing a measured 50% of my total hearing.

5. I now can ignore my husband by turning a deaf ear to him. I tell him it's revenge for all of the years of selective hearing I've dealt with from him.

6. I also have tinitus in the ear constantly. So my ear is ringing constantly and it can be distracting when it gets very loud.

7. If it isn't fixed before Disney, the good news is that it won't affect my ability to fly. Since I have no ear drum, there is no worry about the pressure equalizing.

So that is the story of my ear, my need for surgery, and the biggest reason we are currently on a break. Though Disney is a very close second.