Sensitive as a brick

Or why my Mom is on the list of people I'm avoiding at the moment.

Last night while I'm sitting on my couch indulging in my PMS foods of chocolate and sour cream and cheddar chips, the phone rings. First off, it's almost 10 and most people who would call me at home or on my cell know that I go to bed at 10 most nights because I'm up at 5:30. I look and see it's my parents and answer. My mom has called to tell me that she knows how to fix all of my infertility problems. All I have to do is go down to the hospital and tell them I'll take one of the orphans from Haiti. After all, the children are all here in Pittsburgh, and so am I! It's the perfect answer, to her at least. So now she's decided that I need to go and adopt one of these babies now. She even has pointed out that since they ones here are all between 1 and 4 years, there won't be any night time feedings.

I was in shock. While adoption may be the path we turn to in the future, it isn't the path for us at this moment. I'd also love to be able to go and help one of those children, but we can't afford the several thousand to adopt internationally at this moment. Hell, we don't even have a home study done yet because we aren't ready to move to adoption. But to have my Mom call me up at almost 10 last night to tell me that she had the answer to all my problems and that it was to drive to the hospital and just ask for an orphan, because you know adopting an international child is justn that easy.

I know, I'm sensitive to it right now because we already know the first clomid round will not be a success. I know that if adoption ends up being the path we take, we'll decide how and where we will adopt. But damn Mom, using a natural disaster as a reason to nag about grandchildren?

I have a confession

Bless me IF sisters, for I have sinned. 1 year ago I bought yarn to crochet a baby blanket for the baby I was sure I would have by now.

Yes, I know. Buying things for babies of your own when infertile is a huge taunt. Yes, I knew this when I bought it, but I was in denial and the yarn was so pretty, and it was on sale. This is how I rationalized my purchase. I can be very rational in my own mind when yarn is on the line. However, I am confessing this sin now because last night after a nice huge fight with my husband, I went to my stash of yarn to pull out something new and pretty to start a project, even though I have 4 other projects in various stages in my crochet bag at this very moment. When I went to my stash, most of what I found were balls of cotton purchased to make baby bibs for presents (Yes, I make handmade baby gifts. I am truly a glutton for punishment), several hanks that needed wound and since I have no swift and I wasn't about to ask the man who had just pissed me off to hold it for me, those were ruled out, and a bag of yarn for a baby blanket. My baby's blanket. I pulled out the yarn and cried over it. Sobbed actually.

This of course brought about another fight with the husband. Why was I crying over some silly yarn? It was just yarn. He didn't understand that it was what the yarn symbolized. He didn't understand that I wasn't crying over the yarn, I was crying over the baby we didn't have while standing in the nursery that isn't a nursery. It's the computer room / junk room / non-existent spare bedroom. Last night it all hit me. Tomorrow I go for my day 21 bloodwork to see if the clomid caused me to ovulate. Even if it did, I know that the cycle is a failure because we've both been to ill to even really want to make like a bunny, let alone actually be able to perform said act.

So please, bless me sisters for I am in dire need either of having my butt kicked for buying for a baby I wasn't even expecting or for absolution because it was bought out of hope.

A Tale of Two Sickies

Or why I don't even have a reason to think about being pregnant this cycle. I started my clomid on the correct day and took my 5 pills in succession on days 3-7. All is well and we have the correct calandar days circled. On day 9 (Sunday 1/3), I start coughing a little, but nothing that seems to serious or even like it will even last very long. On Day 11, P starts coughing. I'm now running a fever. On day 12 (when we're supposed to start to be bunnies) he has a fever, I still have a fever, and breathing is a thing of the past. It turns out trying to have sex while on cold medicine doesn't work very well. Long story short, over a week later and I'm just now getting over my cold. P's cold developed into pneumonia and he's on some seriously strong medication and not allowed to go to work for another week. So no baby for us this cycle. It was a wasted round of clomid leaving us only 2 more rounds before we head off the the big RE whom has yet to be chosen because I'm seriously sticking my head in the sand over this whole clomid may not work for us thing. Friday I will have bloodwork drawn to make sure that this dose of clomid actually caused ovulation, but it doesn't matter if it did or not. There will be no baby this round. Finally tally of the cycle? Sickness - 2, Us - 0.

First round, down

On New Year's Day, I took the last of my 5 days of clomid. Now we're onto the fun portion of this program, if you see scheduled intercourse as fun. Sadly, P does not. However, he's ready and willing, so to speak. Now we have as much fun as possible this week, get blood work drawn next week to confirm ovulation, and then we wait and hope. If this one doesn't work, we have 2 more cycles of clomid left.

There has been a stroke of luck in our quest for a child. I accepted a new job in December. the benefits include adoption assistance after 2 years and IF testing and treatment for things that can be fixed are covered. However, it does not cover IUIs or IVF. But this does open more options for us. This means I can go to an RE if the clomid fails. We're really hoping the clomid doesn't fail. If it appears no biological child is in the cards, we will most likely pursue adoption. P isn't worried about a biological child since he has the young'un from his first marriage. He could care less if any children have his DNA or not. The same here. We just want to be parents. We will get there, one day.

No miracle here

I know I said I'd be back next year, but I wanted to give an update. Our hopes ended 2 days early on the day after Christmas. my consolation prize is that we did have Christmas before we found out. Today I took my first dose of clomid. I cried when I picked it up from the pharmacy. Well, I cried in the car afterwards. I didn't walk through the store with tears streaming down my face, though I wanted to do so. So for the next 4 days I take another pill and then we see where this leads. In my heart I know it's the beginning of the end. I just don't know what that end is yet.

Holiday baby? Maybe...

We will find out if this last unmedicated cycle works right around the holidays. Funny, 2 years ago it was around the holidays that we found out about and lost our only pregnancy. I have that little niggle of hope again. Why, I don't know. It's not like we have any real proof of ovulation. It's not like we really even tried this month. But I know the signs and we did hit in the right time period. But I can't really think that after 2.5 years a miracle is going to occur this last cycle with no real help. That would be too ironic and unlikely. So I'm sitting here enjoying a glass of soda (even though I'd rather have wine), remembering the child that was here for only a few weeks and that no one knew about other than its father and I. We never got the chance to announce the happy news. We barely had time to adjust to it ourselves. Maybe we will get lucky. Maybe a miracle will occur. After all, it is the season for it. Christmas is always looked at as a time for miracles here at my house. It's all that is on my Christmas list this year. A child for next Christmas.

Happy holidays to all of you out there in blog land. May you all receive your own holiday wishes. I'll see you next year.

Crawling out of the hole for a moment

Hello all. I am better, I am on a new cycle, and there is no clomid in my system yet. As stated in the previous post, we're waiting to get through the holidays for our sanity if nothing else. So this is my last unmedicated cycle. We then have 3 months to decide where to go if the clomid doesn't work. And the sad truth is we don't have a clue. On some level we think maybe a couple of IUI's. But our insurance doesn't cover that so it would be out of pocket. On another level, we think maybe adoption. But we aren't sure on that either. It's confusing and scary, and a whole new world that is ahead. But first, we try clomid.