Happy anniversary to us!

Tuesday will be my second anniversary as a married woman. That day two years ago I married the man I love. It was one of those rare perfect August days when the humidity was low, the sun was shining, and there was just enough of a breeze to keep the guests comfortable during the ceremony. We risked a lot and had it outside. There were lots of things that I wished would have happened, and a lot of things we wanted to do, but just weren't able to get done in time. However, it was the perfect day and I wouldn't have asked for a better one. Happy anniversary my love.

Birthdays and baby showers

ThiSaturday I will be 32. Now, 32 isn't old. I don't really even consider 32 to be middle aged. However, I thought I'd have kids from my own body by now. In celebration of my birthday, I'm attending a baby shower. How's that for a celebration? If it weren't for the fact I'll be too close to the 2WW, I'd be drinking heavily after the shower. Happy birthday to me!

It's back...

AF arrived a day early, but that seems to be my luck this week. It's CD1 again and I'm feeling fat, bloated, and miserable. I'm also craving salty chips and am planning on indulging that desire tonight as I drown my lack of pregnancy in chips and wine. At least I know I can drink for a day or so, right? That's some form of consolation. Right? Right!? Okay, so it really isn't, but hey I'm trying really hard to be positive so I don't sit and sob tonight instead.

Sadness

Next month on my birthday I'm attending a baby shower for a fellow infertile. She and her husband have been blessed and will soon have a new baby that they conceived naturally. I shouldn't be jealous because know that she's been here. They tried for 2.5 years and used up all of their insurance money trying and not succeeding. They are the couple that was in the process of getting paperwork filled out and getting a home study done when they found out about the baby. And I wish so badly it was me. If I hadn't had my miscarriage in January of last year, I'd be preparing for a 1st birthday party soon, if the party hadn't taken place earlier this month. But instead, I'm making a baby blanket and crying over each stitch. I wish so badly I was making it for my own child.

I feel bad because I'm happy for them but at the same time so sad for myself and my husband. This is such a double edged sword. It's so hard to be happy for everyone else having their babies when all I want is my turn to have a baby as well. Most days I'm fine. I take joy in the blessings I have - my husband, my beautiful step-daughter, my parents and siblings, my health, a home to call my own. But other days it seems I can't even take a step outside of my door without seeing a glowing Madonna with her hand over her gently swelling belly, ripe with child. And the knife drives into my heart and rips open the wound I try so hard to protect. Does this pain ever get easier? Does the memory fade? I know I'll always see July as the "might have been" month, but does it ever get easier? Do you forget the due date that was not? Other have lost babies much further along than me. I was only 6 weeks, 3 days. But how I wanted that life to grow and bloom and become fruitful. Now I make gifts for other people's babies and have nothing at all to show for mine.

I'm sorry for the whining and complaining dear Internet. But tonight it seems as though all of the memories are piling up. I think it's time to self medicate with a glass of wine and no working on craft projects for the evening. Tomorrow things will be better. I have faith. And one day it will be our turn, all of us in this awful stinking boat of IF. We will have our lives be as we wish for them to be. I have faith. It's what keeps me and us all going.

MIA?

Why yes, I have been MIA. We went on vacation, I'm almost halfway through my cycle, and I have an invitation to a baby shower being held on my birthday. Nothing like the proverbial smack in the back of the head to remind you of what you don't have by karma, right? Actually, I don't mind attending this shower. This shower is for a fellow IFer who will be crossing over to the other side in September. I am thrilled for her and her husband, but at the same time I wish it was me. I wish I was pregnant so I didn't feel so horrible at the shower watching her with her baby belly as she plans for her little one. It seems that everywhere I go right now, I'm surrounded by pregnant women or small babies. It's almost enough to make me want to hide inside of the house.

Anyway, we vacationed in Phoenix and saw the Grand Canyon. We took along the young'un and everywhere we went I got complemented on how much my daughter looks like me. She and I just smiled and said thank you. Explanations take too long sometimes and she really does look a lot like I do. She's started asking if we are going to have kids and if we do, can we make sure it's not more than 1 at a time. I told her that we would be happy with anything that God blesses us, be it 1, 2, or 12. I'm not banking on the 12. That apparently was an acceptible answer because now she is picking out what she thinks we should name her dozen brothers and sisters. Kids. Actually, now that she's 10, it seems I can see her growing up while I watch her. It seems she grows more and more each day. The little kid look is almost gone and you can see the woman she will become. *sigh* Now if only I can give her the siblings that she wants.

CD2

Well, I'm out again for this month. Of course Aunt FLo arrived during the young'un's dance recital where I was surrounded by many babies, toddlers, and pregnant women. Yeah, it was real special. I know I'm lucky that I have the young'un, even if I didn't give birth to her. It puts me into an odd limbo land. I have a child that I love dearly, that looks amazing like me, for whom I would do anything, and who is the light of my life. Yet I still want to have a child that calls me "Mommy", not by my name. I want to smell baby breath and feel the warmth of a baby in my arms. I even kind of look forward to the sleep deprivation, spit up, and poop blowouts because it means that I have a baby. Tonight I will cry, grieve, and mourn the lost possibility of this month. Then tomorrow I'll be back to being as positive and hopeful as I can be. It's 20 months since we began trying and will be 2 years on our 2nd anniversary in August. If I had know how difficult this was going to be, I'd of thrown out the condoms years ago.

Sore boobs? (TMI warning)

Okay, this is new. I've had very sore nipples for the last 4 days. Nothing else is sore, just my nipples. This fact amuses my other half and he thinks it's funny to try and touch them at any point in time. I'm also peeing like a racehorse. Yet, I still don't feel hopeful because my temperature has begun dropping. Ugh! 5 more days until testing.