CD 1 again.....

Another announcement

2012-02-02T10:23:00.000-08:00

Oh Fa.cebook, you b!tch. Yet again you have blindsided me with pregnancy announcements. This one is from my cousin, the one with the 17 month old. Her second is due the day before the first one's birthday. This is also the day before my anniversary.

This is getting really old. I've been hit with at least 7 announcements in the last month. I guess it is time to buy stock in wine distributors.

Disney recap

2012-01-31T08:43:00.000-08:00

At the end of last week, P and I ran off to Dis.ney. It was nice and warm in sunny Florida, much nicer than the cold of Pittsburgh. We ended up having a wonderful time, lots of really good food, and the added bonus of meeting the cutest little boy in the world and his wonderful Mama and Papa and sister J.

We rode everything we wanted at least once. We saw most of the shows that we wanted to see. We ate at most of the places we wanted to eat. Ep.cot is wonderful for food. I could eat there every day if it wasn't 1500 miles away and really not practical for my budget on so many counts. I came home feeling more relaxed and less stressed than I have in a long while. This was such a needed break.

The only real damper to the trip was the CD1 hit on the third day we were there and we both had colds for the whole trip. I'm mostly over mine, but P's has developed into a man-cold and he's convinced he's going to die. Or at least be sick for weeks on end. However, he's planning on playing hockey tonight. Please explain to me how that works.

So since I was a ways away from the clinic, I will be starting back with next month's CD1. This will put me starting treatments around the same time the ex is due. The almost teenager young'un is doing better about the coming baby, but she's still not thrilled. I'm not overly thrilled either, but she's more important in this equation than my infertility bitterness is.

So that's what's been going on here. I promise to try and post more often. Really, I do. With the planned return to the stirrups, I'm sure there will be more to post soon as well.

National Delurking Week

2012-01-11T05:35:00.000-08:00

Okay, Mel's decreed it's National Delurking week. If you're hear and you read, leave a comment and tell me about yourself! I'm always happy to have people stop by and leave comments. They really brighten my day.

Disney tips (again)

2012-01-10T14:50:00.000-08:00

Okay, so we're of to the House of Mouse for a short trip in about 2 weeks. Any advice? We're staying on property and have the dining plan. We've planned 2 meals, but nothing beyond that. We arrive fairly late in the evening on our first day and leave in the afternoon on our last days. What are the things we should not miss? What are the things you'd say really aren't worth the time?

Long time no post

2012-01-03T11:30:00.000-08:00

It's been hectic around here and I haven't posted in a while. The good new? I survived the holidays on all fronts. The bad news? The ex's baby shower is in 2 weeks and I have to get the present ready and take it and the young'un over to her grandmother on that side's house to drop it off. The kiddo even managed to talk me into making a blanket for the baby.

On other fronts, the holidays were busy, hectic, and nice. The new year, I'm looking forward to getting back in the stirrups, so to speak.

I'm also looking forward to vacation in 22 days. Florida and orlando, here I come again. Yep, we're headed back to Dis.ney for a little get-away for P and I. It's the honeymoon we weren't able to take when we got married.

Happy New Year everyone. May this be the year for us all.

Holidays

2011-11-15T07:12:00.000-08:00

The holidays are nearly upon me again. Yet again, I face another year childless. Yet again, I'll have the looks and questions from well-meaning relatives. The difference? This year I'm not going to let it get to me. Or if I feel like it is getting to me, I'm going to have a glass of wine or similar adult beverage and ignore them as best I can. This year, I'm determined to have a good holiday season that doesn't leave me feeling like the loser in the genetic lottery. I will find my happiness in the season.

Lonely

2011-10-05T05:24:00.001-07:00

I'm lonely. There, I've admitted it. I don't have many friends who live near me that I'm close to so I don't go out often. Most of the people I see frequently are either co-workers or dance moms as the Young'un has been dancing since she was tiny. But I don't feel comfortable talking to these people outside of the context in which I normally see them. I feel like an imposter to the moms as I'm not a full-time parent. I'm only a parent in the eyes of the world two evenings a week and every other weekend, even though I worry about her constantly and miss her all the time. As for my co-workers, I see them at work. After that, we don't really have anything in common.

My husband is working crazy hours and we rarely see each other. When he does get home, all he wants to do is complain about his day and mine seems inconsequential in comparison. In fact, he doesn't even ask about my day often. It just doesn't seem important to him because he's so wrapped up in his own problems.

It seems I tend to spend most of my time in my own company, watching tv with my dogs. They like to fight over who sits on the couch next to me. I just want something warm to cuddle with in the evenings. I'd prefer human companionship, but it isn't always possible most evenings.

I know I'm lucky that he comes home each evening, that he loves me and we do spend time together, usually on the weekends. But damn it, I'm lonely and sometimes I want to talk to someone too.

I survived

2011-09-21T17:59:00.000-07:00

I did. I feel like I've had my ear cut off and sewn back on (which in a way I did) and like a truck has hit me at different point during the last few days, but the ear surgery was a "technical success" according to my doctor. This means that once it's healed and I'm cleared to resume, we start back on the make a baby quest.

Would I do this surgery again if I had to (and there is a chance I may have to because apparently the rupture was significantly larger than expected) yes. Not because I enjoyed the process because didn't. but because I"m sick of ear infections. I don't know if I'll get all of my hearing back. We won't know that until after the hearing tests after it's had time to heal a lot more. That's a minimum of 6 weeks away.

For now, I'm hanging out at home for the rest of this week. I'm trying to take it easy and tending to fail a bit on that as I'm not used to just sitting around and not doing anything. Yet, i feel like I've been running all day long. Go figure.

Anyway, this is the promised after surgery update. The surgery seems to have gone well. I'll know more in about 6-8 weeks. Then, it's back into the proverbial saddle for Dr. Cool again.

Surgery is scheduled

2011-09-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

9/20/11 and they are going to fix the hole in my head. I'm strangely fine with this, eyt at the same time the more I think about it the more the nerves are jumping around in the pit of my stomache. I'm even second guessing this. I need to get the hole repaired because the constant ear infections and hearing loss are not good things for me or my family. But this doesn't mean I'm not terrified of it as well. ARGH! I wish there was a crystal ball to tell me if everything would be fixed after this or not.

Welcome from ICLW!!!

2011-08-21T10:30:00.000-07:00

Hello and welcome! My name is April. I'm married to P and we just celebrated our 4th anniversary this week. I have a 12 year old step-daughter, The Young'un. We have been trying to have our first child together for 4 years. We have two dogs, Indy and Bruno.

We are currently on a break because of ear surgery for me that will hopefully be coming soon to repair a ruptured ear drum It's a long story, but it's somewhere in the archives, I promise. We recently found out that the ex-wife is expecting a child in February and it's been driving me to drink since. I'm coming to terms with it slowly.

Thanks for stopping by and feel free to poke around the archives!

Happy ICLW!

Further afternath from Friday

2011-08-12T06:59:00.000-07:00

I still haven't come to terms with the news, even though I've had a week to process and think and dwell on it. And think and dwell I have. Right now, I feel as though I'm in a fog and like my emotions are numb and packed away. My mind is a muddled jumble of thoughts that are all over the place and yet I can't seem to concentrate on any one thought for any length of time.

Right now, I find myself losing myself in either playing my violin or listening to songs that seem to match my mood. This has been how I've dealt with things before and I know that when the need for the music to which I'm listening begins to pass that my subconscious mind has processed everything and that I'm ready to talk about what's on my mind.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to come to terms with this before dance and school start up in the fall, if for no reason other than I will get to watch the ex grow weekly and swell with her fertility. Maybe I can convince P to do the majority of the drop offs / pick-ups? Though to be honest that isn't fair to any of us because I've been the main person at dance classes for 7 years and we both drop her off after she's been at our house most of the time. It's time together and I know in my heart that I wouldn't change that.

Time will help and time will make things easier and harder all at the same time. The reality is that in February there's a new baby coming into the dynamics of my life and I'm still not the mother and I won't be any form of a mother to this child. But I will do my damnedest to help the transition from only child to big sister for the kiddo. She deserves that and that at least I can do.

Happy Birthday to me

2011-08-08T04:56:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday. I'm 34. Next year I get tagged with "Advanced Maternal Age", if I ever manage to get pregnant again. I am determined that the news on Friday will not spoil my birthday. Determined I tell you. Tonight, I get to go out to dinner to the resaurant of my choice. I'll have cake. I'll smile. I'll enjoy today. Tomorrow is soon enough to dwell again.

Blogging 3 sheets to the wind

2011-08-05T20:18:00.000-07:00

Or why I probably shouldn't be sitting down at the computer and typing after I've been drinking. The ex-wife dropped off the kiddo tonight and made the announcement she is due in February. She left and I began drinking. I'm not a big drinker, but I'm still at it and may continue for a bit tonight. Just when I was starting to come to terms with this whole infertility thing, at least a little bit in my mind, the universe decides that I need smacked in the face with the reality that others get pregnant at the drop of a hat and after 4 years of trying, I've had no babies.

Damn it, this sucks. Happy birthday and anniversary to me. My husband's ex-wife is having a baby.

Vacation aftermath

2011-08-03T09:45:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed how the relaxation from vacation doesn't ever last much beyond those few days right after a vacation? For me, I started losing the nice relaxed feeling about 15 minutesafter arriving home with the dogs and realizing I had to deal with the ex-wife at my house in less than an hour and the house was in it's pre vacation looks like a bomb exploded because of packing state. And not nearly enough time to get it clean enough for me to be happy with it. Add in returning to work and my nice happy bliss from vacation is gone.

My husband is still in relaxed mode. Somehow this doesn't seem fair to me. After all, shouldn't he share some of the worry about laundry, picking up the house, and general I still want to be on vacation feeling? Apparently not. Though it does have its benefits at times, usually in the evenings. And that's all we'll say on that matter.

We're back!

2011-07-30T16:24:00.000-07:00

I've been kinda MIA for a while. Part of it was because we ran away to Disney World for a week. I have pictures, but I"m still debating if I"m going to put one up here on the blog or not.

Part of the break was because I needed to distance myself from blogging and complaining for a bit. Ironic since this tends to be the place that I vent my feeling most often. However, I missed talking and sharing with everyone so I'm back. I'm even going to do the August ICLW. I was kinda shocked to realize I hadn't done one since April. I guess this means I really need to get back in the swing of things, right?

So vacation was wonderful, the return to work was not so wonderful, and today is CD1. But it missed vacation and now P and I will start talking about when we start trying again. The surgery for my ear should be happening sometime in the next couple of months so I'll be able to start booking appointments with Dr. Cool again without worrying about surgery interrupting everything and possibly costing us a cycle.

I promise I will do better and will start posting more. Now that summer is beginning to wind to a close (even though the 90+ degree temperatures tell me otherwise), I'm looking forward to all of the Young'un's activities starting up again. It turns out, I get bored without something to do most nights of the week. Go figure.

I hope everyone is well. We're doing fine here too.

Day camp day 13

2011-07-13T05:57:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I really kind of suck at this whole day camp blogging gig, but I'm trying. Actually, I haven't really been trying to blog. I'm trying to get through to vacation in 7 days because dammit, I NEED a vacation. I envy those in other countries that actually get more than 2 weeks of vacation. Because the US tends to be a bit miserly with time off, I have to ration my days to an extreme extent and use either 5 or 6 days for the "big" vacation in the summer and use the remaining days throughout the year on an as needed basis. This actually does segue into the point of today's assignment - Day 13 – Tell us about the best job you ever had, and the worst. Do you ever blog or read blogs while at work? Do you ever quote or reference blogs while at work?

The best and worse job I ever had was actually the same job. I worked as the office manage for 2 parking garages. For the longest time, there were 3 of us who had worked together for years and we had everything running smoothly and had lots of down time in the office and we were more like a family. Then my bosses both left and a new GM came in and a new boss at my office started. The new office boss was fine and we still had a good working relationship and everything ran smoothly. The new GM was not so good. After several changes for the bad, my job became a source of stress and began making me miserable. Two years ago, I resigned from the position with the blessing of my husband and within a couple of months found my current position.

As for blogs, I do read them at work and I do talk about them with my husband, but I don't quote or reference them at work. I also frequently blog from work. In fact, I'm writing this one between e-mails and projects today.

Read more: 31 Days of Blog Juice at Creating Motherhood http://creatingmotherhood.com/2011/06/28/summer-camp/#ixzz1RzQ0CFcF

Blogging Day Camp Day 6 / Day 3 - Last time I tried soemthng new

2011-07-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

Day 6 – When was the last time you tried something new? What was it and what was the result? Have you ever done something just so that you could blog about it?

I've spent a portion of today contemplating this question and the truth is I'm not usually one for trying new things. I did blog about some new music I discovered a couple of weeks ago, but that's about it for new things I've tried. Even then it really wasn't a stretch because I enjoy that type of music already.

What this tells me is that I've fallen into the proverbial rut and I need to go out and try something new and different, be it a new way of fixing my hair, a different color of polish for my toe nails (I tend to wear either pink or lavender), or even something really crazy like a new food. I need to push myself to try new things or else I will stagnate as a person and I don't want to do that.

Read more: 31 Days of Blog Juice at Creating Motherhood http://creatingmotherhood.com/2011/06/28/summer-camp/#ixzz1RLTk3WH9

Summer camp day 5 / day 2 (for me)

2011-07-05T09:38:00.000-07:00

Day 5 -What do you prefer to do on your birthday?

On my birthday, I like to spend it with friends and family at a party for me (yes, secretly I am a 13 year old girl at heart) and to go out to dinner for seafood. Normally, this isn't quite what happens.

Most of my friends and family are fairly far-flung so there is no party. My husband isn't one for thinking of something like this to plan for me, but he appreciates it when I do it for him or for the Young'un as I plan parties for both of them. I haven't had a cake in years unless I buy it for myself. Last year was a cupcake with a candle in it that I bought for myself because it was my birthday and dammit, I wanted cake of some kind. Because my birthday and anniversary are only 10 days apart, we do 1 dinner to celebrate both of these so it's less of a birthday celebration and more of a general going out to a nice dinner kind of thing.

This year, we're going to Disney World a couple of weeks before my birthday. I've already informed my husband that we will be celebrating my birthday at Disney and that I want a cake. We'll see how it all pans out when we head off there in 15 days. (Not that I'm counting or anything)

Read more: 31 Days of Blog Juice at Creating Motherhood http://creatingmotherhood.com/2011/06/28/summer-camp/#ixzz1RFY44PIO

What has most surprised you about being an adult? What have you learned about yourself through blogging?

2011-07-05T06:20:00.000-07:00

Today is Day 4 at Calliope's Summer Blogging Camp. I'm a bit late to the party so I'm starting on Day 4. Today's assignment is What has most surprised you about being an adult? What have you learned about yourself through blogging?

The thing that has surprised me the most about being an adult is how little I actually feel like I'm an adult. Somedays I really expect someone to show up at my house and ask for my adult card, if I had such theoretical card. I pay bills, have a mortgage, have car payments, responsibilities, all that wonderful adult stuff, but I still feel like a kid playing dress-up most days. Yet other days I feel

As a blogger, I've learned that I'm a very bitter infertile lady most days. Yes, there are times when I'm not bitter and things are all puppies and rainbows. Sadly, most of the time I'm wallowing in pity and wishing for what I don't yet have. This is what I've learned about myself as a blogger so far. It also gives me a goal to change so that I'm not always such a bitter person.

Read more: 31 Days of Blog Juice at Creating Motherhood http://creatingmotherhood.com/2011/06/28/summer-camp/#ixzz1REk6wBIu

Theme Song Thursday

2011-06-23T12:33:00.000-07:00

A while ago, Heather tried to start up Theme Song Thursday. Sadly, it didn't take off, but it does cross my mond frequently. Below is the link to the Mumford & Sons song "Little Lion Man". I've only recently found out about this badn though they have been around for a few years. Yes, I do tend to be behind the times. They played on the Grammys and I found them 3 weeks ago. However, right now they are one of the groups I'm listening to a lot. This song is a reminder to me that if I'm not careful, I can hurt those that are closest to me in this journey through IF. So, what's in you? What's your theme song this week?

Little Lion Man

Men really are from Mars

2011-06-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

A fair warning about this post. I'm about to rant about my husband and our differing views on infertility. I love my husband dearly. However, he really does seem to know the best way to push all the buttons that will spark a fight. This isn't something he does often, but he did manage it this weekend.

Did you know that I am obsessive about infertility because I have researched it? I didn't realize that wanting to know what was going on in my own body and why things weren't working right was a bad thing. I'm also apparently all consumed with wanting a child and this stress MUST be what is causing the main problem. Apparently a low sperm count and poor morphology doesn't contribute to the problem at all. Go figure.

Apparently, I also need therapy because I'm unhappy that we aren't able to have children. I guess I must have missed the rainbows and puppies stages of all of this. Did someone see a unicorn around? I hear they fart glitter on us infertiles and that will solve all of our unhappiness.

I should also ignore the fact that time is running out for us to have children. He actually pulled out examples of celebrities having babies into their late 40's. Yep, he went there. Add in the fact his cousin's family is being built through IVF (which he thought was actually IUI) and everything worked out the first time with twins and 3 frozen embryos to boot. I admit to being jealous that it worked, but I also listened and understood everything when they were telling us about the 5 IUIs including 3 rounds of injectibles and that was after several rounds of clomid. But he thinks we have all the time in the world and that 1 round of any kind of assisted fertilization is going to work perfectly and give us the family of our dreams.

He's also decided that since clomid does such evil bad things to my brain (and he does have a valid point on that one because clomid does make me crazy) that if the RE prescribes it, he doesn't want me to take it. So he's now an RE, but doesn't know the difference between an IUI or an IVF.

Add in the fact he was spouting off about how I'm too stressed and stress make people infertile and how I shouldn't be reading blogs or looking things up so that I can be informed about my health, it ended up being one heck of a blow-up.

The end result is that he now wants me to tell him what I need him to do to help me. When I said that I would appreciate help around the house as it would ease some of my stress, I was told he meant emotionally. Go figure. I said coming to the appointments would be helpful as I hated feeling alone at Dr. Cool's office. That was shot down because he doesn't have the time for that kind of stuff unless I can schedule after business hours. So essentially, he wants things to continue as they are, but he wants a pat on the head because he offered to help me even though he shot down all the things I said would help me.

In conclusion, I feel like men are from Mars in the infertility world. I know there are some wonderful men blogging about it out there. I have shared your sites with my husband, but he doens't feel like they are what he needs at this point. So we continue to muddle through and I'll continue to research, read blogs, and seek support from the ALI community.

Monday, Monday

2011-06-06T10:01:00.000-07:00

I have a major case of the Mondays today. However, for once none of it is related to infertility. Yeah, I know. It shocked me too.

My day so far has consisted of leaving my lap top at home and realzing it when I was less than 5 minutes from work. I had to go back, get it, and then get back to work. Then I left it in my car and had to go back to get it from there. Total time lost: 1.5 hours.

After 2 days on vacation, I was greeted with an e-mail inbox full of things. Each person who had e-mailed felt that their request was the most important thing to which I should be giving my attention. Needless to say, some people were a bit disappointed that they weren't quite as important on the list as they thought they would be.

Now it's lunch time. My lunch? It's at home too.

Maybe this is a sign that I should have stayed home today?

Tea exchange idea

2011-05-24T10:16:00.001-07:00

Last week, Mel mentioned talked about her recent exploration of new teas. This got me thinking about a tea exchange I had participated in with another group through Ravelry. Would anyone be interested in participating in something like this in the ALI community?

I'd be willing to organize this and set up the initial list and outgoing tea box. Things included in the other exchange were teas of all different kinds, chocolate, tea theme related gizmos and gadgets (a cozy, an infuser ball, bookmarks, etc.), Kool-Aide, and hot chocolate. Because it was also for a knit / crochet board things like yarn, patterns, stitch markers, and other yarn-y type items were also included. I would be open to ideas for additional items to be included for a more ALI themed box.

Proposed Rules of the Box
1. You may take as little or much as you want. The only requirement is to put back at least the amount of what you take. (here maybe add that yarn & small knitting/crocheting knick-knacks are also acceptable).
2. Please try to keep the box only one week, and contact me if it will take longer.
3. Every time the box is sent out there will be delivery confirmation purchased with it. I leave to your discretion on whether you want to ship by parcel post or priority, but delivery confirmation is only about seventy-five cents and a must.

If anyone is interested, please comment on this thread or e-mail me at april.pachuta@gmail.com

The infertile hell

2011-05-20T12:38:00.000-07:00

Also known as the baby department. If you are wondering why I was there, again, it's because of the baby shower next weekend. I thought I'd be able to do it this time without feeling the pain and the desire to break down into tears. I was wrong.

All of those cute little outfits, the toys, the bedding, the hopes and dreams. All of it there, beckoning and calling to me and so far from my reality it's sad and crushing. I walk into the store ready to face all of it, sure that since it's for a fellow infertile I can do this. Yet again, I leave with a sad filled heart, yearning for what is so far out of reach.

I have a bag filled with small items of clothing, with blankets ready to wrap newborn babies. I will find 2 cards, make 3 blankets, make 3 pairs of booties. I'll smile, fill the presents with love, and try and celebrate the coming new lives into our family.

And I'll die a little more inside while I do it.

A post in bullet points

2011-05-11T09:40:00.000-07:00

Spring has sprung here in Pittsburgh. There are flowers, leaves on the trees, birds nesting on my front porch. Okay, so the bird on the front porch isn't a great sign of spring. Mama Bird likes to dive bomb people as the enter or leave the house thinking we're after her eggs. But the rest of it is good.

I'm trying to approach spring with a better attitude than I did winter. I want to embrace the new life all around me. I want to embrace the warmth. But at the same time, I was sure that I'd be expecting a baby by spring. After all, I was going to the RE last summer at long last. Obviously, it hasn't worked as there's been no treatment yet.

A woman I used to be in a book club with recently miscarried her pregnancy. Part of me wants to invite her here, to our corner of the world for some support and love. But at the same time, she has a 4 year old and got pregnant with her second in only 2 months of trying. The miscarriage took place at 10 weeks. It actually happened over a month ago, but I have no clue about how to reach out to a woman who announced a pregnancy at 8 weeks that was showing growth restriction. I can't imagine announcing a pregnancy at 8 weeks. Hell, I can't imaginge announcing a pregnancy at this point in time.

Mother's Day was really rough, but there were no tears, no tantrums, and only some regret that it wasn't how I thought it would be this year.

I have a doublebaby shower for a set of twins and a singleton to attend in 2.5 weeks. I found out about it on Saturday. One of the mothers (the one with twins who I don't resent because she's one of us and they are IVF twins) has requested blankets and booties made by me. I'm now trying to figure out how I"m going to get 3 blankets and 3 pairs of booties made in 2.5 weeks with a birthday party for the young'un this weekend.

P and I have talked recently about me being able to stay home instead of working. part of me loves the idea of being able to stay home and not have to worry about work and take care of my family and work towards having a baby. The other part of me is questioning if we really could make it work and if I could really give up my independence in that way.

That's really about it. Any of these is worthy of a post, but my brain is too fried to write it. I will make my way back and start posting again soon. I promise.

Me and my ruptured ear drum

2011-04-25T12:47:00.000-07:00

I've gotten lots of questions about this so here's the information that I can share about my experience with it.

1. It sucks, a lot. Not because I'm in pain. I actually only have pain in the ear if it is infected. Currently, it is not. It sucks because I have lost over half of my hearing until it is repaired.

2. I can't hear people clearly when there is more than 1 person talking. It really makes family gatherings / work / anything involving people difficult. Restaurants are very difficult for me because I can't follow conversations right now. The theme park will be impossible unless the ear is repaired before then.

3. When it is repaired, the doctor is going to graft skin over the damaged ear drum to replace what is missing. This should restore most if not all of my hearing. however, it will involve at least a week off of work and lots and lots of antibiotics to keep the ear from getting infected and causing the graft to fail. In this case, failure is really bad and puts me below square 1 on the ear.

4. I now turn the TV up really loud because overall, I am now missing a measured 50% of my total hearing.

5. I now can ignore my husband by turning a deaf ear to him. I tell him it's revenge for all of the years of selective hearing I've dealt with from him.

6. I also have tinitus in the ear constantly. So my ear is ringing constantly and it can be distracting when it gets very loud.

7. If it isn't fixed before Disney, the good news is that it won't affect my ability to fly. Since I have no ear drum, there is no worry about the pressure equalizing.

So that is the story of my ear, my need for surgery, and the biggest reason we are currently on a break. Though Disney is a very close second.

ICLW

2011-04-21T05:08:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my little home on the internet. I'm April. I've been happily married to P for almost 4 years. I have an 11 year old step-daughter, The Young'un. I have 2 dogs, Indy - a lab mix and Bruno - a bloodhound / shar pei / shepard mix. Both are large, overly friendly, and my furry babies who really are convinced they are little tea cup poodles, not 80+ and 50+lb dogs.

We began our journey to having a child on our wedding night. We suffered a miscarriage of our only pregnancy in January of 2008. In December of 2009, I started clomid. We did 4 unsuccessful rounds of clomid. June of 2010 brought the RE and me kicking the doctor in the head during my HSG. December of 2010 brought P's first semen analysis and bad news with the results. After the first SA, P never scheduled a follow-up visit. He's not fond of the thought of fertility treatments and is being a bit of an ostritch about it at this point.

Currently, we are on a break. I have a ruptured ear drum that will require surgery to repair and we're off to Disney World in July so we have opted to hold off until after both of these events occur. I am still researching options and keeping an open mind about what path to walk down to pursue a child. He is slowly getting to that point as well.

Thanks for stopping by and happy ICLW!

Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed.: An Open Letter to PETA

2011-04-05T11:11:00.000-07:00

And Keiko still says it more eloquently than I ever could. Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed.: An Open Letter to PETA

WTF PETA?

2011-04-05T10:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, two posts in day, but after reading Keiko's post about how PETA is "celebrating" NIAW by offering a free vasectomy? I have to ask W.T.F.? Why should these fucks (Please, excuse the language, but this post is going to be full of it .) at PETA who could care less about humans offer a free vasectomy? To save the humans from overcrowding animals? Why not offer free spay / neuter services for dogs and cats like the ASPCA? Why not help with re-homing animals who are strays or abandoned? No, in the eyes of PETA, the best way to help animals is to honor National Infertility Awareness Week by giving a man a free vasectomy. And you know what's worse? Someone somewhere will think this is a fucking brilliant idea and will tout it as them doing their part to help save the environment and animals from the evil humas. Fuck, but this pisses me off.

Disney

2011-04-05T07:26:00.000-07:00

Or how I'm spending my summer vacation. The young'un's dance school was chosen to get to dance one day at the Ma.gic King.dom this summer. This is a huge deal and is what we are doing for vacation this year. However, I haven't been on Dis.ney property in 20 years and I know a lot has changed since then. Any advice? I also have questions and I'm hoping someone out there in internet land will have answers. Our agency essentially told us that they did not book the dining plan. And that we couldn't have the dining plan because one day would be tied up with dancing. It turns out that I'm a bit of a researcher and I've since found that actually, it doesn't matter if we can't make plans for one day that we can use these things at any time in any order, as long as they are used before we leave on the last day of the trip. Would Disney let us add this on our own at all? Also, what are the really cool things we shouldn't miss? Since we're at about 4 months out, I'm now going into hyper planning mode because we finally found out the day we're dancing so we can now make plans. I'd of preferred to know this in December, but that wasn't quite how it worked so now I'm scrambling and hoping against hope that some kind souls here on the interwebs can help. So please kind people of the interweb, please help a frantci Disney fan who really wants to make the most out of her vacation in case it's another 20 years before we get there next.

The definition of family

2011-03-28T07:43:00.000-07:00

This weekend, the young'un was at our house. She's with us every other weekend and a couple of evenings a week for her dance classes. This means that for that period of time, I'm the mother figure in the house. According to my mother-in-law, I play house for those times, but that's another post in itself.

The conversation came about while we were driving around on Saturday after her play rehearsal and before the evening performance for her dance school's spring ballet. Since P was helping his dad do some things, it was just her and I for most of the day. Since we had errands of our own to get done, we spent a significant amount of time in the car. This tends to be where most of our talking occurs now as she's 11 going on 30 and is in tears over some slight (real or imagined) a large portion of the time at home. This is not just at our house, but everywhere. This weekend, she was dwelling on my place in her life vs. her step-father's place in her life.

How does one explain the intricacies of step-parenting to a hormonal pre-teen who is looking for someone to make life nice and simple, but still treat her like a grown-up? It isn't something easy to explain. I had to somehow explain to her that she was the child of my heart, but that I understand that I'm not her mother. I'm her step-mom and I don't want to take her mother's place when she's with us. I'm her friend, one of her parents, and someone who loves her very much. But at the same time, I have to make her understand that I would love to have been her mom, lest I make her think I don't love her like a mom. She's a complicated child and it's a complicated subject.

This has now gotten me dwelling on family. How do you define family? Is it by genetic relationship? By law? By choice? Do you have friends who you feel like are your family and family you'd rather forget ever existed? As an infertile woman who wants to build her family, this subject nudges at that nice tender spot in my heart that's never completely healed each month. We all know the one. It's the one that gives us hope of a baby, of a miracle of our own in some way. But in some ways I have a miracle, but the miracle is only mine for brief moments at a time and then she flies back to her other home.

Four letter words - the IF version

2011-03-21T10:49:00.000-07:00

This weekend, as I was silently muttering and cursing under my breath about some real or imagined slight from my husband and step-daughter (PMS. It's a bitch.) I started tho think about what the equivalent of swear words are for those of us suffering through infertility. What are the words that are breathed in reverential terms or have caused us to cry?

The first word that comes to my mind is hope. Hope is a 4 letter word, both literally and figuratively. Hope can lift us up, but it also lets us crash down hard when CD1 arrives. Hope - the ability to ignore the fact that a low sperm count, inability to ovulate, and sex at the wrong time can still lead to a biological child in that cycle. I've fallen prey to it countless times. Each month, it creeps in and then, pulls the rug out from under me.

The second word is period. The dashing of hopes, the end of a cycle. The sign that yet again, anything we did would not end with a baby in 9 months. While not technically 4 letters long, I've been known to mutter it like the most vile curse word on more than one occasion.

Another set of words is baby shower. Nothing sets my heart pounding like a baby shower. The cute little invitation, the prospect of cooing over baby items, the mother-to-be, smiling and rubbing her belly with an almost beatific smile upon her face. The only reaso I go to these things still is because I'm still hopeful that one day I'll have a child as well and I really want the hand-me-downs.

Loss announcements. These bring the stark reality of the fact that even a BFP doesn't always lead to a baby. Each time I read one, it sends pain through me, wondering the what-ifs that plagued me after my own miscarriage.

Pregnancy announcements are by far the worst. I think those can be counted as swear words by infertiles. When one is made you have to fight back tears, smile and pretend to be happy, and make some kind of congratulatory statement. It's difficult, painful, and often just maddening. Invariably it's the 2nd cousin twice removed on your long lost Aunt Mabel's side that wasn't even trying, but oops! She's pregnant. Then she mentions that wouldn't it be great if you got pregnant right away as well? Then you'd be pregnant together and your babies would be the same age. By the end, your blood pressure has spiked, you're seeing red, and the last thing you want to do is be nice.

Just relax. How may times have we heard this. Just relax, you'll get pregnant right away. Who cares that your husband has no sperm. Who cares that you haven't ovulated on your own since high school. All you really need to do is relax. Apparently, it makes babies.

Another favorite that has been accorded 4 letter word status is "Why don't you just adopt?" Because it's so easy to wave a wand and have an adoption ready to go. Because everyone is called to adopt and then once they do, the magically get pregnant as well.

What are some of your infertility 4 letter words?

And the winner is.....

2011-03-14T08:07:00.001-07:00

And the winner is comment #4 - The Knapps!!

Congratulations!!!!!

CSN stores giveaway!!!!!

2011-03-09T10:44:00.000-08:00

I've been offered a free $35.00 code for the CSN stores for 1 lucky reader. Since we're in the process of updating the house, I took some time to look around their sites and found some really nice LCD tv stands. This has of course given the husband the desire to upgrade the tv, but I think I've gotten him talked out of it for now.

In addition to the tv stands, there are shoes (oh the shoes), home decor, things to organize your life. I know I'm in serious need of more organization at my house. The kitchen drawers alone are enough for my mother-in-law to cringe when she has to open them. Okay, that may be a bonus, but when I need a pen it doesn't help.

So whatever you are looking for, you'll have a really good chance of finding it at the CSN stores.

Giveaway ends on 3/13/11 at 11:59 PM EST. Winner will be drawn through random.org on Monday morning. Hey, it'll help improve the fact that most of us are losing an hour of sleep this weekend in the US.

Ways to enter (because we all know that's the important part, right?)

Mandatory Entry:
Visit CSN Stores and tell me how you would spend your gift code

Extra Entries:
Follow my blog through Google Friends Connect and comment to tell me you do (1 chance)

Follow CSN Stores on Twitter and comment that you do (1 chance)
Follow me on Twitter and comment that you do (1 chance)
Tweet (or facebook) about the giveaway and leave me a link to your tweet in a comment (1 entry a day) - Check out this awesome #giveaway from @csnstores and @cd1again http://bit.ly/ge4lvP

Blog about the giveaway and leave me a link to the post in a comment (3 entries, so 3 comments)

Good luck!!

2011-03-09T10:08:00.000-08:00

Last night, we had a discussion about a new car for me. Now this isn't exactly new or earth-shattering at my house. My car is an 11 year old station wagon that's had more than its fair share of problems. The question now is do I get another station wagon or do I go back to driving a sedan. This is where my problem lies.

I started driving a station wagon 8 years ago. When I got my first one, it was with the dream of a house, a few dogs, and 3 kids to haul around to activities. It was a Vol.vo and it was free so while I didn't really consider myself a station wagon kind of girl at first, it grew on me. It carried all kinds of things, it went through snow like there was no snow. It did everything I never knew I wanted a car to do. Heck, it even had heated seats, impressive in a 1989 car.

Fast forward 2 years. We had bought our house and now had the Young'un more frequently and had 2 dogs. We're now engaged and I begin to allow visions of the family that I'm sure will happen dance through my head. Ah, how innocent I was of infertility then.

Two months before the wedding, my Vol.vo dies a hideous death of a blown headgasket. Since it was a 1989, we decided to get a new to me car. Enter the Suba.ru. This is my current wagon. It's been a money pit and will be replaced sooner as opposed to later. While I like my car, it is starting to cost me more in repairs than the car is actually worth. Hence, a new to me car is in my future.

This brings up the sedan vs. station wagon debate in my head. When I accepted a station wagon, I did so thinking I would be hauling a family and dogs about. Instead, I haul 1 pre-teen grl twice a week and both of the dogs occasionally. A sedan would open more options up because there aren't that many station wagons that look like something I would drive out at the moment. But a large part of me is afraid that if I give up the station wagon, I'm giving up my dream of a family. The husband is fine with another wagon. He is also fine with a sedan. Honestly, he doesn't really care either way because he wouldn't be driving it, I would. After all, he has his Envoy to haul anything and everything. It does in fact hold all the dogs, both adults, and 2 kids (The Young'un and one of her best friends) without even breaking a sweat.

So the question is am I giving up a dream by getting a sedan with a lot less trunk room and space for hauling things? Or is it just a smart move when we have something big enough to carry everything and everyone already?

A Good Dog

2011-03-02T07:30:00.000-08:00

Six and a half years ago, we decided to get a second dog as a friend for our boxer-lab mix. The agreement was for a younger male dog. Instead, I brought home an older female dog. Her name was Daisy.

She was one of the best dogs I've ever owned. Her nickname was "The Smiling Bulldozer" because she would walk right through you, smiling the entire time. She was born without a tail, but would wag the nub that she had for all she was worth.

She had a heart of gold, unless you were a small fuzzy animal in her yard. Then you were toast. She would present us with at least 1 trophy each year. Once, she even hid one in the house because we kept taking them from her.

Last night, Paul and I had to put our dog Daisy down. She was 13 and a half years old.

Life From Scratch book tour

2011-03-02T04:55:00.000-08:00

Welcome to everyone who is here because of the Life from Scratch book tour. If you haven't read it yet, you can purchase it here in book form and here in Kindle form. It was written by the wonderful Mel.

As a warning, this is my first time participating in a virtual book club. Please be gentle. On to the questions...

1. Blogging plays a key role for Rachel in the growth she experiences throughout the novel. How has blogging affected who you are and/or how you see the world?

Blogging has introduced me to a community of poeple who understand what it's like to be infertile in a world surrounded by fertile people. It's also opened my eyes to how each of us have been affected in the ALI community by our infertility or losses. It's helped me grow as a person and helped me become more understanding to others.

2. Rachel’s blog gets very popular when she wins a blogging award and she starts averaging about one hundred thousand hits per day. Would you want your blog to become that popular or would you prefer to stay smaller?

I'm of two minds on that one. Some days, I wish I had more to say and that I had the ability to be a great writer and have people want to come and read what I say. Some days I really wish I had things to say that were worth people coming to read. However, I'm content being a small fish in a really big blogging pond.

3. While she is trying to move on from her divorce, Rachel cleans out The Box- a box of sentimental mementos from her marriage. Do you have a Box of your own? What do you (or would you) keep in it?

I don't have a Box per se, but I do have a trunk. This trunk holds different things from different parts of my life that I have found special enough to want to keep. It has pictures, books, letters, cards, and other assorted things that have helped shaped me. These are things that have come with me through different relationships, several moves, and a lot of heartbreak.

To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at Write Mind Open Heart.

ICLW

2011-02-21T09:57:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my little home here on the internet. I'm April. I'm married to P and I have an 11 year old step-daughter, the Young'Un. We also have 3 dogs - Daisy, Bruno, & Indy.

We are currently on a break, but please feel free to poke around and learn more about us.

Thanks for stopping by!

Bitterness

2011-02-09T09:36:00.000-08:00

I'm finding myself becoming bitter and unhappy.

I'm bitter that I'm not pregnant.
I'm bitter that the chances of having a baby in 2011 is nearing it's close.
I'm bitter that the girls in my row are getting married and are planning their lives and have made their plans for how they will build their families and will most likely be able to do just exactly that.
I'm bitter that my husband won't consider a conversation about adoption and tells me that he's convinced we'll have a biological child and that starting the adoption process will be pointless.
I'm bitter that our insurance won't cover more than just testing.
I'm bitter that my husband is hiding his head under a rock about the fact that a low sperm count with poor morphology usually means that it's that much harder for him to get me pregnant.
I'm bitter that we don't have the money easily at hand to pursue treatments now and that we'll be saving for at least a year or more before he's willing to consider even an IUI.

I'm just bitter and unhappy. I don't want to be, but right now I am.

How do others find their way out of the black and unhappiness of infertility?

When?

2011-02-03T12:04:00.001-08:00

When will it be my turn? I'm being lapped yet again. Friends who got pregnant right around the time I got married are in labor with their second. Other friends who married after we did are expecting their second. Sometimes it feels as though we'll never make it over the wall.

Fa.cebook g.ames and family building

2011-01-27T06:57:00.000-08:00

I have admitted to my e-mail addiction. I'm also addicted to fa.cebook games. Oh yes, I have tried most of them at some point in time or another. Right now, I'm playing Frontier.ville a lot. I think it's because I can build the family that I dream of there. After all, you buy the missions, plant the cabbage, jump through a couple of hoops and POOF! There's a new baby.

I have Jamie, Ivy, and Tommy. Yep, I have mythological children. Since nature hasn't granted me the ability to create the family I have dreamed of, I guess I can thank z.ynga for allowing me to do this, right?

Argh

2011-01-23T19:56:00.000-08:00

Tonight while watching my beloved Steelers win the AFC championship (after making me think we were going to lose it in the second half), my mother in law shares that two of my husband's cousins are expecting. One is expecting her third and the other who has also sufffered from IF is expecting twins. So now she's bound and determined to have me knocked up ASAP. Because it works like that you know.

GAH!

I am an e-mail-aholic

2011-01-14T12:52:00.000-08:00

Hi. My name is April. (from the audience, "Hi April".) I am an e-mail-aholic. I obsessively check it multiple times a day, even though I know the chances are slim that anything has changes.

I check it first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening. I refresh, login and then logout again, only to repeat the process again 30 minutes later.

It's almost an obsession. I can't pinpoint when my addiction began, but blogging has made it worse. It makes me want to check my e-mail more often, just in case there's a comment out there.

And yet, I find I can go a weekend without even the desire to look at a computer, let alone check e-mail, face.book, or even blogs. Why is it Monday - Friday I feel a need to be constantly plugged in and the weekends I don't?

How I spent my weekend

2011-01-10T09:16:00.000-08:00

Or why I'm on the way back to the doctor's today.

Sigh.

My ear is infected again. This came about because of a nice Saturday spent going through the "Vatican Splendor" exhibit at the history center. Apparently it is not good for what is termed a medically fragile ear to be in the vicinity of a few thousand people in close quarters in a very warm environment for 3 hours. If there weren't a big hole in my ear letting in all kinds of wonderful germs, I'd of ended p enjoying the weekend more.

The tour was wonderful. I enjoyed seeing the different artifacts and learning more about St. Peter's Basillica and seeing some of the works of art that were on the tour. As a non-Catholic person, it was very interesting to see the different ways that St. Peter and St. Paul were portrayed. Being raised Protestant and marrying into a very Catholic family (Have I ever mentioned that in my husband's family he has an aunt who is a nun, a cousin who is a nun, and another cousin who is a priest? No? Well, he does and it does create some interesting conversations at times.), at times I feel confused when they talk about different things and symbolisms during Mass when we attend church there. This helped shed some light on so many things and at the same time as a lover of museums it was fun.

Sunday I read a book. Not just any book either. I started and finished Life from Scratch by our very own Mel. If you haven't read it yet, stop, go and get this book, and do so. It was a fun, quick, and very enjoyable read.

Today I"m back at work, it's CD2, and I really need to call and schedule my SHG. I'm not looking forward to this and have been dragging my feet because of the ear and the fact it will require surgery. Since I'm almost out of sick days, it'll be fun figuring out how to get the leave approved for the surgery since one must take 6 sick days in a row. Hjowever, that's one for HR to help me with when the time comes.

So how was your weekend?

Jan. 6

2011-01-06T08:11:00.000-08:00

Three years ago, I woke up feeling happy and excited. We were toying around with the idea of making an announcement at "Water Spaghetti" to P's side of the family, but decided to wait until we could tell both sets of grandparents at the same time. In hindsight, this ended up being a really good decision.

As we gathered everything together and made sure were were wearing our Steeler best for the afternoon football game at Auntie C.'s, I began to have some cramps. They were mild and I didn't think much of them since I'd been feeling the weird twinges and cramps on and off since I had my only positive peestick. As the day progressed, they turned worse and I began to spot. Then the bleeding began while we were at the dinner opening presents. We finished the evening with forced joviality with me being thankful that I hadn't emptied my purse yet and still had something for the bleeding. We took the Young'un home, stopped at a store, and I took a test. It was negative. You were gone, only tissue expelled as the week went on.

That first July was difficult as I kept seeing people with newborns everywhere. I wanted to be one of them. The second one was worse because I wanted to be planning your first birthday and wondered why so many others were blessed and we weren't.

We miss you. We love you.

Why aren't you here?

Jan. 3

2011-01-03T06:17:00.000-08:00

Three years ago, I had begun making plans. Plans about how to tell my parents and my husband's parents that they were going to be grandparents. That evening, I noticed a little spotting, but wasn't too worried. After all, I was only 6 weeks pregnant and spotting is normal in early pregnancy. The internet told me so and since my own doctor didn't even want to see me for another month, so I wasn't worried. I should have been. Three days later, the world came crashing in and my baby was no more. If you ask the doctor, the baby never even had a chance, but I'll never know.

Holidays and family

2010-12-27T12:48:00.000-08:00

I survived the baby. The cute, adorable, chubby cheeked 4.5 month old baby that was born on my anniversary (of course). He is adorable and bald as a cue-ball with the chubby cheeks that you just want to squeeze. Luckily, no one asked when we were going to provide one of these for people to coo over. I didn't even cry when I got home. I consider this to be a success for the holiday.

In the rest of the holiday news, everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Too much food was eaten and many many wonderful gifts were received, including 1 copy of Life from Scratch by our own wonderful Mel. I am looking forward to diving into this one very soon.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and I wish you a Happy New Year. I'll see you in 2011!!

Results pt. 3

2010-12-16T06:36:00.000-08:00

The SA results are in and they are not as good as hoped.

Low count (12 mil / ml) and low morphology (9%). On the other hand, they are excellent swimmers (65%) and the anti-sperm antibody was negative. This earns the husband a trip back to the dreaded place in 3 weeks and a trip to a urologist's office in the near future.

On one hand, I'm upset by the results. Now we're possibly battling male and female factor. On the other hand, I'm relieved that maybe it isn't all me and there's a chance we're both going to need help to make a baby.

I don't know where we go from here. All I know is that he goes back to give another sample in 3 weeks and he's hoping the first test was just a fluke.

CD 1

2010-12-14T05:25:00.000-08:00

There will be no happy announcement for us at Christmas. On the other hand, this does mean I can now partake of the wine at Valeia supper at the in-laws on Christmas eve. And it means that in theory we could conceive a Christmas baby. (Yes, I know the chances of that are slim. I'm hopeful here, dammit!)

So I'm out for having a child before I turn 34.

Lessons from the weekend

2010-12-13T08:13:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a bunch of bullet points. I apologize in advance.

In a normal silent ticket auction, when one puts in 1 ticket for an item, your chances of winning the item are 1 in however many. Apparently when I put in 1 ticket, it means I win, much to the dismay of the Young'un. However, she doesn't know she's getting it for Christmas anyway.
Even though I think the snow looks pretty on the ground, this does not mean I want it on the roads when I drive. Spring can come soon and take the cold with it as well.
I'm really, really sick of my ear being messed up. I've never had an ear infection for this long.
Christmas is in less than 2 weeks. I'm only half done with my shopping. I'm screwed.
Speaking of Christmas, the baking begins tonight. Hello holiday pounds, goodbye waist.

I'm such a bad wife

2010-12-10T07:12:00.001-08:00

P went to get his SA this morning. When he called to tell me about it, I had to work very hard to keep from laughing while we were on the phone.

Apparently, the selection of materials were quite poor and the room rivaled a gas station bathroom in its decor. He was not amused and wanted to know if we could find a different place that wouldn't be as sterile if he ever had to do this again. After ~~laughing hysterically,~~ ~~chortling and snorting with laughter,~~ lovingly offering sympathy for his plight, I may or may not have mentioned that at least his room was behind locked doors and he had more than just a curtain to hide his half naked self from the view of others. At that point he did concede that his was much less invasive than mine.

So there we have it. The testing has begun again (finally) and next up would be the saline hystereoscope for me. That one will be waiting until the new year and the new insurance which will pay more towards the testing. Sadly, still no actual coverage for IUIS or IVF, but we don't yet know if we'll even need those options.

Onward!

Snow!

2010-12-01T06:37:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up to find that overnight, snow had arrived to cover the grass, trees, and my car. Oddly enough this didn't annoy me. I admit to not liking snow and cold. I'm one for a more tropical climate which makes the fact that I live in an area where winter resides from mid-October to the beginning of May a bit of an amusement to my family. However, last night I put up the Christmas tree and began to set out some decorations. I'm ahead of the game for a change. Most years I'm frantically rushing to get the tree up the week of Christmas and to finish all the baking, present wrapping, shopping, and general hustle and bustle of the holidays. This year, I'm doing a bit each day and gradually getting things done. I'm hoping this will cause much less stress and frazzled nerves. We'll see if I can keep it up.

But back to the snow. The snow is actually helping me get into a more holiday kind of mood. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by all of it that I just want to curl up in my bed and hide. But today, there is snow. And it looks pretty and festive. Tomorrow I may not feel the same way about it, but for now it is nice.

Thankful

2010-11-24T05:57:00.000-08:00

I spend a lot of time on here complaining about what I don't have in my life. Today, I want to share what I am thankful to have in my life.

I am thankful for my family, my parents, my siblings, my husband, and my step-daughter. I cannot imagine not having these wonderful people who love me in my life. My parents have always been there for me when I need them. My brother and sister have grown into adults I'm proud to know. My husband is the light in my heart and the one who always seems to know what I'm thinking, no matter what. My step-daughter is the light of my heart as well. She's growing up so quickly and soon will be a young woman. I am proud of who she is now and proud of the woman she is becoming.

I am thankful for extended family - my in-laws, my aunts and uncles, and my cousins. I am thankful for my 3 dogs who love me and are always happy to see me. I love running around with them and cuddling on the cold evenings on the couch. I am thankful for my job. It gives me freedom to do the things that I want to do in addition to the things I need to do. I'm thankful for my friends, both IRL and in the computer. All of you help keep me grounded when it seems like life is too much. I'm thankful to have the ALI community to ask for advice, read other's stories, and to help me know I'm not alone.

I hope all of you who are celebrating Thanksgiving this week also have a wonderful day and have many reasons to be thankful as well.

It's that time again

2010-11-19T11:28:00.001-08:00

CD1 and just in time for Thanksgiving!! It's the beginning of the holiday season and I promised myself last year when we were preparing to start clomid that it would be the last one without a baby or expecting a baby.

Here we are again. Still no baby, still no pregnancy. Just the waiting and the pain of the holidays.

Bad blogger

2010-11-09T08:50:00.000-08:00

I've been MIA. My apologies to those who stopped by during ICLW. I signed up for ICLW, but just as it started we had a family emergency and it took all of my attention. My sister who lives 3,000 or so miles away went into the hospital with what was pneumonia in both lungs. While there, she was diagnosed with lupus. My mom flew out to be with her and she was in the hospital for 2 weeks. I apologize for falling off the internet for the last 3 or so weeks, but my family needed me for moral support while we were finding everything out.

My sister has since come home from the hospital and is coming to terms with her diagnosis. We're also coming to terms with it, though in a different way than she is. Right now we're all working to find ways to help her and looking to see how we can help her move home at the end of the school year so she can be closer to family, if she chooses.

I promise I'll start writing more again. We just needed the time to work as a family and help her get through everything as best we could.

ICLW

2010-10-21T06:33:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my home on the internet. You can read more about me here. We are currently on a break due to several things, but I'm hoping to get back in the stirrups after the holidays.

Happy ICLW!!

Still on break

2010-10-13T12:11:00.001-07:00

We're still on a break from working on a baby. This time it is because of my ear infection which has ruptured my ear drum and will most likely involve surgery to correct. P is in the beginning of "theater season" which is his biggest excuse to play with power tools and build things, usually sets. This means I won't really see my husband for the next couple of months. I think I have him for 2 weeks around Thanksgiving, but the calendar isn't all filled out yet so that may still change. Either way, it spells no chance of making a baby the old fashioned way (like that actually works for us). Ugh.

In other news, we did not go to the party because we actually had other commitments that conflicted that I was unaware of as they weren't written on above mentioned calendar. I don't really regret not being there in the grand scheme of things. I'll meet the new baby during the holidays and that will be fine by me. This gives me time to steel myself for it and think of clever answers to give to my family. Or maybe I'll just out myself beyond the immediate family and see how it falls.

Lost in shadows

2010-10-08T08:40:00.000-07:00

Today, I feel lost in shadows. I'm an infertile woman. I am one of thousands, but still in the shadows of it all. I schedule appointments for bloodwork, ultrasounds, results, all with the hope that somehow the doctor can find some way of helping me to get pregnant. I'll take pills, give myself shots, be pricked, probed, and prodded so that I may have a child. And yet, I will do it, as will thousands of others.

My private life will be examined by doctors. My family will give well meaning, but hurtful advice. I'll cry myself to sleep more often than I care to admit. There will be doubts, heartache, and fear each step of the way. If adoption is in my future, then even my fitness to be a parent will be questioned.

But I hope that one day I will be a mother, to a child of my own. I don't know the path yet. I don't know the steps. I don't even know if this child will be biological. But one day, I hope there will be a child who calls me mom and it will be the child that is meant to be with me.

I am an infertile woman. I live in the shadows, but I long to be in the light.

Parties and babies

2010-10-05T12:14:00.000-07:00

My cousin, the fertile one who's shower I helped orchestrate, is having a party for her brother who is entering the military. She had the baby in mid-August. My problem is I want to go and see my cousin off, but I don't know if I can take an evening of cooing over a baby and the inevitable questions about when I'll be producing a baby. After all, we've been married for over 3 years and I'm not getting any younger, or so I've been told. I have until Saturday to decide.

Bullet point

2010-09-29T05:03:00.001-07:00

Or how I'll get some of the things rattling around in my head out.

1. I have having an ear infection. And I've had this one for a month!!! I keep going back to the ear doctor and he vacuums (yes, vacuums) my ear out, gives me antibiotic drops, and asks to see me again next week. Add in the fact this thing has caused my ear drum to rupture and caused some hearing loss and it adds up to a miserable month.

2. The Young'un brought home a cold when she was at our house this past weekend. Now P and I are both dealing with our own versions of it. So now I have a sick husband who thinks he's dying while I've got the same cold plus the above mentioned ear infection and am still going about life as normal.

3. I've not been very motivated and as such I have several projects at home that are just sitting there and staring at me every evening.

4. My car needs an oil change and I haven't found the time to drop it off yet.

5. I don't know if I'm thrilled over the conception story line for "How I Met Your Mother" this season. It would have been bad enough if they had gotten pregnant right away, but if this turns into an infertility story line, I shudder at what all they will screw up.

6. ICLW was wonderful this month and I made Iron Commentor!

Trying to write a post

2010-09-23T09:53:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to write a new post, but it's not coming like I thought it would. There's a lot of things swirling around in my brain, but I can't find the words to share today.

ICLW

2010-09-20T07:22:00.000-07:00

Welcome everyone from ICLW! This is my little corner of the internet and I invite you to look around and stay for a while.

I'm April. I'm married to P. I have an 11 year old step-daughter, The Young'un. We have been trying to add to our family since 2007. We've recently begun seeing Dr. Cool, whom I kicked in the head at my HSG. I've also been avoiding the office for the last 2 months because of various things in life that have interferred, like work, vacation, and a general unhappiness that's hit me the last month or so. I attribute the unhappiness to lots of friends having babies and us well, not.

10 things about me

1. I crochet. I've recently begun experimenting with lace weight yarn.
2. I have dogs, 3 of them to be exact. The smallest is 45 lbs and the largest is 80lbs.
3. I hate to dust. Detest it actually. I'll take extra turns at loading the dishwasher to get out of dusting.
4. It's the same thing with vacuuming.
5. I love to bake and I'm happy that fall is coming quickly so that I can start baking again.
6. I'm tempted to put out my Halloween decorations already.
7. My favorite musical is "Phantom of the Opera" and I finally saw it this past weekend.
8. My favorite TV shows are "How I Met Your Mother", "NCIS", "Glee", and "House". I watch two of those online each week because they all have the same time slots on the days they air.
9. I love to read and have been going through at least 1 book a week for years. Usually it's two or more.
10. My favorite day of the week is Saturday, even though it tends to be the busiest day of the week.

So there you have it. Welcome and please come back and visit again!

Places I fear to tread

2010-09-13T09:14:00.000-07:00

I love to shop. Love, love love. Of course, I hate to shop for myself, but for others, it's so much fun. However, I have a love/hate relationship with baby sections. I love going and looking at all the adorable little clothes and accessories. I love picking out a cute outfit to purchase for a shower or as a gift for a baby. I hate the reminder that I have no need for these items. It is rubbing salt in the wound.

I hate to buy myself clothing or go to stores where my sizes are carried. When I was younger, I was much skinnier than I am now. Because of this, there is a person in my head that so does not match the exterior. I'm working on correcting that, but it is a slow process and I'm not getting there as fast as I would like. In fact, I tend to backslide more than I make actual progress. Suggestions on things to help that are not diet pills are welcome. I want to be skinny and happy with how I look again.

I dislike going to the RE's office. I know, I know. He's there to help us try to get pregnant, but right now I can't bring myself to want to even call to set up bloodwork. Right now it's a huge stumbling block for me. I need to get over it, and quickly as I have blood work coming up again in about 2 weeks followed by more blood work about a week later.

I don't know why I"m dwelling on things like this right now. I can't even blame clomid as I'm not on it at the moment. Maybe once this cycle is over and we start again I can move back towards my happy self.

Further reflections

2010-09-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

This is a follow-up of sorts the the reflections of last week.

Yes, I still attend baby showers. As an infertile woman, it tears me apart inside to see the happiness of the mother-to-be, rubbing her tunny and glowing with pride and joy at the miracle inside. It just rips the band-aid off of the wound in my heart. You may ask, "April, if it hurts so much, why do you go? Why don't you stay home and safe away from these experiences?". The answer is simple, as much as it hurts me, it would hurt just as much to cut these women from my life. These are my friends and family. I am happy for them, that they are about to become a mother. I want to be there to celebrate their happiness. They are important to me. That's why I buy little baby things and make a blanket for each and every shower. Yes, I crochet blankets for each baby shower. I'm beyond insane for that one according to my husband.

Honesty also requires me to admit to selfishness here too. I want them to be there for me, if my time ever comes. I'm afraid that if I skip their showers, then if I ever have need for one, they will look back and say "Well, she didn't come to mine, why should I go to hers?". I know this probably isn't the case. Most of these people at least have an idea of what we are going through. They have heard bits and pieces and understand that we are having difficulties having children.

So there you have it. I go because I care about these women and because I'm selfish.

An online friend's loss

2010-09-07T06:31:00.000-07:00

A person I know from a message board had a stillborn daughter over the weekend. I have no idea how to reach out to her. She was a member of the ALI community before her daughter was born. She survived several miscarriages before she had her son. Then when she became pregnant with her daughter, I was thrilled for her. It was a surprise pregnancy, but everything was going well until the beginning of August. The baby was found to have severe polycystic kidney disease and was not expected to live long if she was born alive. Sadly, a month later she was born sleeping and her parents are devastated.

I want so badly to reach out to her, to know what to say, but I'm at a loss. I can't compare losing a child at 6 weeks of pregnancy to her loss of a child she felt kicking inside of her, that she had seen living on an ultrasound. How do I, someone who has never experienced a loss like this reach out without sounding callous?

Reflections

2010-09-03T12:06:00.000-07:00

The high and low point of the work week was seeing a co-workers 4 week old baby. He is beautiful adorable, perfect, and made me want to curl into a ball and sob because we've been trying for over 3 years and have nothing to show for it.

I'm trying but it's getting harder and harder to pretend that I'm happy at baby showers and around newborns. I'll be attending 2 showers this month. There are two more coming this winter that I know of. People that had their first less than 2 years ago are now expecting their second, and I haven't even had my first. I'm beginning to feel like maybe all I'll ever be is a step mom and that I'll never hear a child call me Mommy. And that thought terrifies me. I want to be a mom. I want to have the sleepless nights followed by the moments when you look at this tiny perfect child and just stand in awe of the life you are protecting, nuturing, and helping to grow.

It's hard, this road of infertility. It's taken a toll on my physically and emotionally. It's caused my wonderful husband to be worried about losing me to depression. It's caused me to wonder if I'll ever find the person I was before this journey again. I know I'll never be the same because of it, but some days I wonder who it is I've become. I don't recognize myself at times. It's not that I look different. It's more that sometimes the pain inside shows through to the outside and there's a lot of pain and hurt rolling around inside. Emotions I have trouble speaking about, so instead I'm letting my fingers do the talking and hoping that writing it out will help.

Sometimes I wonder how this will end. Will we find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Or will we be left with a house too big for primarily two people? Will I ever see a child off to their first day or school? Help a child figure out how to talk to their crush? Go to the park to play on the swings with a toddler? Or am I doomed to always look at things from the outside and wonder what it would be like?

We survived vacation!

2010-08-29T14:24:00.000-07:00

Though to be honest it was touch and go a few times. The highlights of the trip are a busted front bumper from Gettysburg, a lost pair of prescription sunglasses to the Atlantic Ocean, 3 sunburned people, lots of frolicking in the ocean and time spent on the boardwalk, and finding out that there is another couple in the family going through infertility. I have sent the lady of the family to stirrup-queens because if anything can help her feel less alone, it's finding the ALI community. They have orientation for IVF this week so they are a little ahead of us in the game. Please cross your fingers for them as I know they are hurting as much as we are.

Anniversary

2010-08-17T10:36:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is three years that I have been married to my love. We've been through lots of ups and downs, had lots of laughs, and been happily married to each other since 2007. We've been together for a decade. While neither of us envisioned this path for our married life, we are walking it, just waiting to see what our next steps will be in this journey to increasing our family. Happy anniversary love.

Giveaway winner!

2010-08-17T10:30:00.000-07:00

And the winner is (chosen by random.org), Nancy!

Congratulations!

Giveaway!

2010-08-10T10:35:00.001-07:00

I'm a crocheter. I love to play with yarn. I love to make things for people and I love to go to a craft store and buy new items to craft. Because of this love of crafting (and because it gives me an excuse to go to a craft store), I'm giving away a $25 gift card to JoAnn Fabrics. The deadline to enter is Monday, 8/16/10. The winner will be drawn on Tuesday 8/17/10.

How to enter:
Leave a comment telling me what your favorite craft is = 1 entry (this is the only mandatory entry method). Additionally you can...
Become a follower (or stay a follower) = 1 additional entry (mention in your comment if you are a follower!)
Blog about it = 5 entries (mention in your comment that you blogged about it!)

Birthday thoughts

2010-08-07T06:03:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 33. I always thought I'd have a couple of kids running around by this point in time. Instead, I'll spend it without even seeing my step-daughter. I'll smile and pretend that I'm happy, but the truth is I'm really not. I'm sad. I'm really sad. I keep hoping for a miracle each month, hoping that next year I'll be holding a baby on my birthday, watching same said baby grow up each year, but I also know that I'm getting older and eventually age will be the enemy for having any said babies. Last year, I went to a baby shower on my birthday. It was for a fellow IFer who made it to the other side so I celebrated for her, even though my heart was breaking inside. But I just knew that it would be my turn in the next 12 months, just knew this. Of course, it hasn't been and we've sent more time not being able to try and have children in the last several months than we have spent trying. It's been hard. So this is my birthday wish again this year. Please, let it be my turn soon. Please let me give the Young'un a sibling to ~~torture~~ love. (I was the oldest child. I know the truth.) Please let me have a child, through whatever means it happens. Please let our family grow.

Where has the time gone?

2010-07-30T09:30:00.001-07:00

The next couple of weeks around here are going to be busy celebrating (or dreading) various time milestones. I'm about the first, just kinda there on the second, and glad to celebrate the third.

The first one up is my 15 year class reunion and it is this weekend. Now, I don't know about you out there on the interwebs, but I don't look much like I did in high school nor have I really kept in touch with most of the people. In fact, most of them I only know bits and pieces about through either gossip passed on by my mother or through fa.ce.book. Since I tend to avoid mirrors for the most part, I took a look recently and realized that the picture of myself in my head which looks amazingly like I'm still 21, skinny, and have a line-free face is not correct. I'm far from skinny anymore, I look like I"m in my 30's, and the laugh lines are there right around the eyes. And I get to see many people from my graduating class on Sunday. Save me, please.

Next week is my birthday. I'll be 33 on the 8th. I'm mostly ambivalent about that one. I just keep thinking about how I thought my life would be at this age and coming to grips that just because I thought it would be one way, doesn't mean that life will actually go that way.

The 18th is my anniversary. I will have been married for 3 years. I'm happy to have married my husband and I'm happy with our life. Granted, children would enrich it, but at this point we haven't been blessed yet. I hope that next year will be different, but I am celebrating the life we have now.

Update on cursed

2010-07-28T08:44:00.000-07:00

It appears it is a dirty throttlebody on P's car. I'm still listed as cursed, but the check engine light did go off.

I had to cancel my sono for tomorrow. I get to go to an off-site meeting for work that starts at 8. I was supposed to be at the doctor's at 8:30 with the sono at 11. Somehow I don't think these two things are going to work well together. So now it looks like it will be after vacation before I can go and get it done. This isn't ideal, but it is what we have to work with. On the other hand, it does mean that the ban has been lifted for now.

That's my pdate for now. I'm sure there will be more later.

Cursed?

2010-07-23T16:34:00.000-07:00

My husband tells me I'm cursed when it comes to cars. I tend to have the worst luck with them. Current case in point: My car has a dying wheel bearing so it is parked until I can take it to the shop next week so I drive his to the bus stop. I drive it the less than a mile to the bus stop and the check engine light comes on. Turns out either it is something really easy to fix or something really bad. We're hoping for the really easy. The easy is cleaning the air intake valve or replacing the PCV valve. Bad is replacing the MAP sensor. While an easy fix, it is the more expensive fix, of course. Here's to hoping it was just a random occurrence and it will correct itself. That can happen, right? Please? I don't want to be cursed as bad luck for cars forever.

ICLW!

2010-07-21T07:11:00.000-07:00

Hello and welcome to my corner of the internet. I'm April and I married my husband P almost 3 years ago. At that point in time, we threw out the condoms and started letting the chips fall where they may. I suffered a miscarriage in Jan. of 2008 at 6w, 3d. Since then, we've been trying to no avail.

Currently I'm waiting for my sonohystereogram next week. Previously we've had an HSG done which showed my left tube blocked and during which I managed to kick the doctor in the head. Grace is not my middle name. We also know there is a cyst on my left ovary and that because of the cyst, I have low FSH and high E2. It looks like I'm headed back towards clomid, but until the sono is done, nothing has been prescribed. So currently we are on the 3rd month of a break because apparently when one is trying to have a baby, my doctor forbids intercourse. Go figure!

Ten things about me

1. I'm afraid of snakes. Terrifed actually.
2. I'm going to the beach in August and I'm ridiculously excited about it.
3. I have never dyed my hair.
4. I prefer glasses to contacts and haven't worn contacts since high school.
5. I like corn on the cob.
6. My favorite flavor of ice cream is cookies and creme.
7. I'd rather sit by the ocean than by a pool. This explains the excitement about going to the beach.
8. I crochet, but don't know how to knit.
9. I love watching Dr. Who and have been watching previous seasons on Netflix on the Wii. It's almost an obsession at this point.
10. I'm a Gleek and have been re-watching Glee this summer as well.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope you'll come back again!

Weekend from hell

2010-07-19T05:10:00.000-07:00

Baby showers are not high on my list of enjoyable activities. In fact, they weren't high on the list even before the whole infertility thing came to light. Mix in your least favorite cousin as the guest of honor, a church basement full of your family, most of whom don't know about what you're going through, and then be in charge of the games and cupcakes. That my friends was my Saturday.

The end result is that I smiled and put on a happy face for the day. I brought the cupcakes, bought from the grocery store, I brought games. I even made a forage into the baby section of the store to buy lots of cute little things for the memory game that was requested. I handed gifts, I moved gifts, and I gritted my teeth and smiled when asked if I was going to be the next one for a baby shower. Then I went home, cried, and drank 2 glasses of wine.

After all of this wonderfulness of the day, I log into Fertilitybook (a.k.a. f@cebook) and see the following post from my dear cousin with whom I had just spent the day. "Dear non-pregnant person, When seeing a pregnant woman, you should always smile and wish them a heartfelt congratulations. Anything less makes you a jerk. When attending a baby shower, you should smile and watch the mom to be open her gifts, not talk to those at you table. Thank you to everyone for ruining my special day."

Sigh.

CD1!

2010-07-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

I haven't even started the provera, but apparently the threat of it was enough to stir things into action. 20 days late, but at long last things have started.

The results are

2010-07-14T11:27:00.000-07:00

Negative. I am not pregnant, which I already knew. They are calling in the prescriotion for provera and I'll start taking it tomorrow. Onwards, right?

Still no CD1

2010-07-13T04:55:00.000-07:00

I'm now 17 days late. Tomorrow is the blood test to see if through some odd miracle, I am pregnant. I really wish they would have listened and given me the provera last week. But apparently rules are rules and since P and I were intimate a few days before the appointment, we had to wait a total of 10 days "just in case". Sigh.

To make life more fun, my mom and my sister are at my house for the week for a workshop near where I live. They don't know I'm late and I'm not about to tell them because I can already hear my mom on the phone telling everyone that she's going to be a grandma. This is the same woman who told me I should just go to the hospital and ask for a Haitian orphan, because they are just giving them away apparently.

Once I have results from tomorrow, I'll update at some point in time and fill everyone in. Wish me luck. Your choice on for what.

Results

2010-07-07T12:51:00.000-07:00

E2 - 327 - too high because of cyst
FSH - 1.4 - too low because of cyst
TH - 4.09 - higher dose of thyroid medication prescribed

Left tube blocked. Cyst on left ovary. Right tube looks clear. Sonohysterogram to be scheduled once the bleeding fully begins. Still spotting at this point. If no period within 8 days, then I will go in for a blood test and if negative, then provera will be started. After my period, there will be another date with the dildo-cam tro see if the cyst has shrunk. At some point in the future, there may be a lap performed to see if there are any adhesions on the right tube and to see if that's what is causing the left to be blocked. The general thought is that I'll be back on my friend clomid soon. I think I'll ask if they give out happy pills with the clomid this time.

So no diagnosis yet, but it's not as bleak as it could be. Oh, and it still isn't CD1 yet so now I'm 11 days late.

10 days late

2010-07-06T07:16:00.000-07:00

And a slight change! Houston, we have spotting and 3 negative pregnancy tests. Tomorrow I see Dr. Cool and get the results of my tests. I'll give an update again tomorrow.

7 days late

2010-07-02T05:25:00.000-07:00

And still no sign of anything resembling a period. P wants me to test again in a couple of days since nothing has materialized yet. I think I'm just one of those lucky people who had their cycle messed up by having an HSG and it's just going to appear randomly and take me by surprise. It would be my luck you know?

Then again, maybe I used up all of my bad luck when I sliced the bottom of my toe on the radiator beside the bed trying to get out of the house on time for work. So now I have a nice big cut from said radiator on the bottom of my big toe. At least it's Friday and I don't have to get up early tomorrow. But I get to walk around an amusement park all day tomorrow. Somehow, I don't think it's going to be as fun as originally planned.

6 days late and a BFN

2010-07-01T05:17:00.000-07:00

I broke down and tested this morning. It was negative. The last 5 days I've lived in a haze of hope. Yeah, I dared to hope. I hoped enough to actually buy a pregnancy test. There hasn't been one of those in my house in almost 2 years. And this morning, full of hope and sure I was going to see that second line, I did my thing and waited and saw only the contol line. So I took my shower thinking it just needed the time to finish processing. After all, the directions say it can take up to 10 monites for all results to appear. Yeah, when I was done showering (quickest shower ever I do think), it was still negative. I was fine drying my hair and getting dressed. But when I told P, the tears started and it took until I was halfway to work this morning for them to stop. I'm not sure what I was crying over, the loss of my hope, or the loss of his hope. Because it appears he had started to hope and think we had gotten lucky as well and hearing him admit that made me hurt even more. I had hurt my husband because I failed at this whole getting pregnant thing again. And this time we actually had almost a week to start to dream. I had thought about how to tell our parents. Yeah, that's how deep into the fantasy I had bought. I was starting to look forward to my cousin's baby shower next month because I could almost see mine as well. So no big news here. Just a pile of hurt and disappointment. I guess you could say it's all over but the bleeding at this point. That part of the negative still hasn't graced us with it's presence.

3 days late

2010-06-28T11:19:00.000-07:00

I'm 3 days late. I want to test, but I'm terrified. Afterall, miracle don't just happen do they? In a month where there was an HSG and relations with the husband only once, is there really a chance? Anyone else ever be late after an HSG? Hope is creeping up with each day of being late, yet I know that my chances are really, really small that we managed to get pregnant all on our own. This wait may be the one, but I can't bring myself to find out for sure.

Happy Friday!

2010-06-25T10:41:00.000-07:00

It's Friday, there are very few people at work, and I'm contemplating skipping out a few minutes early. Granted, I'd rather skip out a lot of minutes early on a nice sunny June day, but I figure that doesn't exactly show great enthusiasm for my job a really good work ethic. Yes, I know blogging while at work doesn't either, but it's lunch time!

There is nothing to report from Dr. Cool. No calls about wonky bloodwork. No requests to come back and be shot full of radioactive dye. Just waiting until the 7th when I go in for the appointment and hoping against all hope that he doesn't put me back on clomid. I really don't think either my husband or I can take me on it again. Right now I'm just waiting on day 1 to arrive. It should be Sunday at the latest.

I hope everyone else is having a wonderful summer afternoon. Happy Friday!!

Ow

2010-06-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

I went for the day 21 progesterone check this morning. 4 sticks, 2 bruised arms, and a bruised hand later, they finally got the blood. Out of the same arm as the initial stick. Today was not a good blood draw day here. We'll get the results of everything on the 7th of July. Only test left to perform is P's SA which he has yet to schedule because of work. He promised he will set a time and go and do his thing. That's about it for today, some bruises, a sore arm, and since all of this was nice and painful, donuts for breakfast afterward.

HSG and other ramblings

2010-06-14T16:11:00.000-07:00

Last week I had the dreaded HSG and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. Yes, it was uncomfortable, but it wasn't painful. And in true me fashion, I managed to kick Dr. Cool in the head when he told me he was done. Smooth, right? Now all I have left for my initial testing is CD 21 blood work next week.

In other news, one of my dear friends has announce her pregnancy at 6 weeks along. I am thrilled for her as she and her husband have been trying for about a year. However, the niggling little spark of jealousy had to rear it's ugly head again. But I have decided I'm making her a nice yellow bib with a ducky button on it to give to her when I see her at the end of this month. And she's already dubbing me Auntie April which does amuse me as she knows I'll spoil her baby as much as she'll let me.

Giveaway!!!

2010-06-10T05:21:00.000-07:00

Reproductive Jeans is having a giveaway. It's a B.N. (Before Netflix) giveaway for some summer movie goodies!

I rememeber spending all kinds of time trying to decide which movie to rent with my brother and sister. Because the twins are 6.5 years younger than I am, it was always a compromise to find something we all would watch. My brother always wanted something with lots and lots of fighting in it. My sister and I usually went the Disney route as I love Disney and it kinda rubbed off on her. One of the more popular compromises was either The Dark Crystal or The Princess Bride. We now own both of these on DVD. But I still remember going and renting the VHS tape and waiting excitedly to see the movie and eat popcorn and get to stay up just a little later on Movie Night.

Worries

2010-06-08T10:13:00.000-07:00

I'm scared about tomorrow. I don't know what this HSG is giong to reveal. I didn't expect to find out I had a cyst last week and now I'm worried that we're going to find blocked tubes or walls, or who knows what. P is being very blase' about the whole thing and it isn't helping. I want him to hold my hand and tell me it's all going to work out and things will be fine. I want him to come with me tomorrow for moral support. But instead I'm going to the hospital alone, getting the test done alone, and then driving myself home. He's still considering the days for when he'll go in for his own test.

Why do I suddenly feel like a comeplete and total outcast again? I thought I was past this. I share about what's going on with friends. I'm not ashamed about the fact that we dwell in the Land of IF. Yet suddenly as the testing begins I want to go and hide in a corner and pretend that none of it is real.

I think part of my problem is the fact that my high school reunion is in August and with that will come the inevitable questions about children. Are we having any? Do we have any? Plus I'm sure there will be pregnant bellies and new babies as well just from what I've heard through the grapevine and from the couple of people I actually stayed in contact with over the years. Maybe I'll be lucky and be knocked up and keeping a secret at that point in time. And maybe pigs will fly as well. I don't think that little miracle is going to happen, but maybe I'll be wrong.

Cyst

2010-06-04T09:55:00.000-07:00

Also known as what has been found on my right ovary. This nets me a date with the Magic Dildo-cam again next month. P has to schedule another SA. We're trying to time it so it's on the same day as my HSG. That's next week and will require missing at least part of a day of work. I'm really hoping to be able to go back to work afterward. I'm just trying to figure out how to broach this particular subject with my boss. Any suggestions? It's kind of awkward to have to ask for a half day of personal time after a week of vacation. Somehow, I don't see this going so well, you know?

Anyway, we have not gotten any further results. As they trickle in, I'll update here.

CD3 / RE visit

2010-06-02T11:54:00.000-07:00

Today was the day. Today we made the first step and I saw Dr. Cool. He seemed very nice. He answered my questions, asked many of me, and then sent me for CD3 blood work and a date with the amazing dildo-cam. Not exactly the highlight of the visit, but at least he's being pro-active.

His initial thought is that my gynecologist was wrong and that I'm not anovulatory. He's not sure what the problem is yet, but he doesn't suspect anovulation or PCOS because I have regular periods. We'll know more after these initial results come back and after my HSG next Wed. Work is going to love me. I'm off for a week and then need to take half a day on Wed. for a test. I can hear the questions already.

But overall, it went well. I liked the doctor, I liked the staff, and it's not too far from where I work so getting to bloodwork and testing won't be as difficult as it could be. Next step, the HSG and P's SA. He's not thrilled about doing another one for this, but he understands why it needs done.

More news once I have some results.

Happy Memorial Day

2010-05-31T11:08:00.000-07:00

For this, my 100th post, I want to thank all those who have served in the military. Thank you to those who have helped to protect my freedom. Thank you to the families of those men and women who wait at home for those overseas. Thank you to those who never came home. Know that you are missed and always will be.

Thank you to my grandfather, my uncles, my cousin, and my brother, all of whom fought in different wars and conflicts from WWII onward. We have been blessed that you all have made it home safely. My prayers will be said today for those that have been lost.

If you can, take a moment and put flowers on the grave of a soldier today. It doesn't even have to be a soldier you're related to.

Enjoy the day, be safe, and thank those who allowed us to have this.

3 in one day!

2010-05-21T07:34:00.000-07:00

Apparently I'm a posting fool today. So P just called and decided to brighten my day with this tidbit of wonderfulness. "So, I think Indy just ate your brown flats." Guess who now has to go shoe shopping?

A Giveaway!

2010-05-21T07:30:00.000-07:00

One of my friends, Dr. Mamadrama, is having a give-away! You should go over and check it out!

ICLW

2010-05-21T05:21:00.000-07:00

Welcome ICLWers! I hope that you come in and sit a while.

This month, I'm going to do the ABC's of well, me. After all, this is a blog all about, well me.
A - April a.k.a. me
B - Bruno, my "little" dog. He's a bloodhound / German sheperd mix.
C - Clomid which I hated being on
D - Daisy, my 13 year old bulldog. She is the grandma of the dogs and thinks her rightful place in on the couch by me.
E - Excited about the weekend because I don't have to be at work!
F - Framboise, specifically Lindeman's Framboise. I will be indulging in that tonight.
G - Google reader. I don't remember how I survived before I put all my blogs I read in here.
H - Home. It's not the best looking place in the world, but it's ours and if anyone knows a free maid service, send them my way.
I - Indy, my big dog who is still a puppy. He's a lab mix.
J - Josie, our lab mix who passed away almost 4 years ago.
K - Kennywood, my favorite amusement park. If you haven't been there, you really should make a trip.
L - Luna Lovegood. I always liked her as a character in the Harry Potter books and would love to make her scarf from the movie. I just haven't found the pattern yet.
M - Mickey Mouse, my childhood lovey who now resides in my cedar chest.
N - NCIS, one of my favorite shows
O - Ovulation or something that I can't seem to do without Clomid at the moment.
P - P, my husband
Q - Questions that I need to think of for the RE next month
R - Rosebush that still needs planted because there has been very little warm weather here recently.
S - Sunshine! The sun has returned here and it makes me happy.
T - Tea, specifically mint. It's a constant for me in terms of drink.
U - Under the sea in honor of the 20th anniversary of The Little Mermaid (that I saw in theaters)
V - Violin. I've played since I was 8 years old.
W - Why? It's the question I've asked many times since starting this journey.
X - Xcitement for going to the RE next month to start on the path of finding out what we need to do. (Yes, I know that excitement begins with an 'e'.)
Y - Young'un, my step-daughter. She recently turned 11.
Z - Zzzzzzzz, what I hope to do tonight

Happy Friday!

2010-05-14T12:56:00.000-07:00

Today I have decided that I am going to do the things I don't normally allow myself to indulge in. I'm having a glass of wine with dinner. I'm having chips and dip as a snack. And I'm going to sleep in tomorrow until at least 8 in the morning. Okay, so it's not really that much of an indulgance, but it feels like it today.

More and more I feel myself coming back to normal as more of the drugs work their way out of my system. I feel happy at things again. I smile more. I'm interested in my hobbies again. For a while, I couldn't bring myself to be interested in much of anything. But today, I almost feel like myself. Tomorrow may bring a different feel after visiting with my mom (Haitian orphans anyone?) But for now, I am going to embrace the day and enjoy it. Tomorrow is soon enough to start worrying about the what ifs again.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

Weekend survived

2010-05-11T09:50:00.000-07:00

I made it through another year and only cried a few times. Once was when the Young'un gave me a card she made that was written in text speak. It hangs on the fridge with other pieces of art that have been given over the years. Another was when my mother-in-law informed me yet again that I wasn't a mom, but I was such a good friend and did so much for the Young'un. I did hold those back until I could get somewhere alone. But I survived. We survived as a couple because P knew that I was hurting on more than a few levels with everything. But here's to the hope that next year I'll have my own little miracle to share on Mother's Day.

CD1

2010-05-06T11:36:00.000-07:00

I'm out. Today I made the appointment with the RE. It's on June 2nd. Here's to the first step in the next chapter of trying to have a baby.

There is a silver lining though. It didn't start on Mother's Day.

2010-05-03T08:39:00.000-07:00

This past week, I read many new blogs. So many stories that are similar to mine. So many people who are feeling the same things as I do. Sometimes, I need the reminder that I'm not alone, that others are suffering with me, rejoicing in our triumphs, and sharing our sadness when a cycle fails.

My husband cannot understand why I read and blog. He thinks that it adds stress to my brain and worry to my heart. He's afraid that it causes me to be too hard on myself. He cannot see the support network because he's fertile. He thinks that I'm too hard on myself because I feel like I"m "broken" a lot of the time. I know he's worried because he cares. But he gave voice to a few "What IF" this weekend.

What IF my wife changes and never comes back because of all of this? What IF she becomes depressed and the strain of all of it hurts our relationship beyond repair?

I have been blind and selfish. I had become so wrapped up in my own problems, fears, and insecurities that I was shutting out the person who is in this with me. I had begun to shut my husband out to protect him from my own pain, perceived short-comings, and mild depression.

Infertility is hard. Each month begins with hope, but for many of us ends in sadness. Our partners are there with us in these struggles. But if we shut them out when they are our main line of support, where does this leave us?

I would not trade any of you wonderful ladies for anything. You come and read about my struggles and help me through the dark times. I have to remember to share the same with my husband. He is my best friend and he's afraid of losing me because I had allowed myself to drift away a little. Rememeber we are in this together, with those who love us best, no matter what.

National Infertility Awareness Week

2010-04-26T14:57:00.000-07:00

Hi. My name is April Pachuta. I live in Pittsburgh, PA. I'm writing this after being inspired by Miriam.

Two and a half years ago, I married my husband and became step mother to his then 8 year old daughter. At that point in time we stopped preventing pregnancy and threw out the condoms. After a few months, I became pregnant, but lost the baby at 6w, 2d. This was the last pregnancy we had, though we didn't think it would be at that point in time. In September 2009, I gave voice to my deepest fear at my annual appointment. It turned out to be true. I am infertile. I have hypothyroidism and have become anovulatory. My parents know our story. His do not.

This week, tell others your story. Share. Help us become recognized for what this is, a disease. Explain that very few states have mandatory coverage for infertility treatment. Tell about your struggles. Let others know that this wasn't a lifestyle choice, that this is not something that any of us asked to become. Please, tell others.

What IF no one ever had to know this pain that we share because help was available? What IF we could help so many others who are facing this? What IF? Please, help others understand IF this week.