Sunday, August 21, 2011

Welcome from ICLW!!!

Hello and welcome! My name is April. I'm married to P and we just celebrated our 4th anniversary this week. I have a 12 year old step-daughter, The Young'un. We have been trying to have our first child together for 4 years. We have two dogs, Indy and Bruno.

We are currently on a break because of ear surgery for me that will hopefully be coming soon to repair a ruptured ear drum It's a long story, but it's somewhere in the archives, I promise. We recently found out that the ex-wife is expecting a child in February and it's been driving me to drink since. I'm coming to terms with it slowly.

Thanks for stopping by and feel free to poke around the archives!

Happy ICLW!

Friday, August 12, 2011

Further afternath from Friday

I still haven't come to terms with the news, even though I've had a week to process and think and dwell on it. And think and dwell I have. Right now, I feel as though I'm in a fog and like my emotions are numb and packed away. My mind is a muddled jumble of thoughts that are all over the place and yet I can't seem to concentrate on any one thought for any length of time.

Right now, I find myself losing myself in either playing my violin or listening to songs that seem to match my mood. This has been how I've dealt with things before and I know that when the need for the music to which I'm listening begins to pass that my subconscious mind has processed everything and that I'm ready to talk about what's on my mind.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to come to terms with this before dance and school start up in the fall, if for no reason other than I will get to watch the ex grow weekly and swell with her fertility. Maybe I can convince P to do the majority of the drop offs / pick-ups? Though to be honest that isn't fair to any of us because I've been the main person at dance classes for 7 years and we both drop her off after she's been at our house most of the time. It's time together and I know in my heart that I wouldn't change that.

Time will help and time will make things easier and harder all at the same time. The reality is that in February there's a new baby coming into the dynamics of my life and I'm still not the mother and I won't be any form of a mother to this child. But I will do my damnedest to help the transition from only child to big sister for the kiddo. She deserves that and that at least I can do.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Happy Birthday to me

Today is my birthday. I'm 34. Next year I get tagged with "Advanced Maternal Age", if I ever manage to get pregnant again. I am determined that the news on Friday will not spoil my birthday. Determined I tell you. Tonight, I get to go out to dinner to the resaurant of my choice. I'll have cake. I'll smile. I'll enjoy today. Tomorrow is soon enough to dwell again.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Blogging 3 sheets to the wind

Or why I probably shouldn't be sitting down at the computer and typing after I've been drinking. The ex-wife dropped off the kiddo tonight and made the announcement she is due in February. She left and I began drinking. I'm not a big drinker, but I'm still at it and may continue for a bit tonight. Just when I was starting to come to terms with this whole infertility thing, at least a little bit in my mind, the universe decides that I need smacked in the face with the reality that others get pregnant at the drop of a hat and after 4 years of trying, I've had no babies.

Damn it, this sucks. Happy birthday and anniversary to me. My husband's ex-wife is having a baby.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Vacation aftermath

Have you ever noticed how the relaxation from vacation doesn't ever last much beyond those few days right after a vacation? For me, I started losing the nice relaxed feeling about 15 minutesafter arriving home with the dogs and realizing I had to deal with the ex-wife at my house in less than an hour and the house was in it's pre vacation looks like a bomb exploded because of packing state. And not nearly enough time to get it clean enough for me to be happy with it. Add in returning to work and my nice happy bliss from vacation is gone.

My husband is still in relaxed mode. Somehow this doesn't seem fair to me. After all, shouldn't he share some of the worry about laundry, picking up the house, and general I still want to be on vacation feeling? Apparently not. Though it does have its benefits at times, usually in the evenings. And that's all we'll say on that matter.