AF arrived a day early, but that seems to be my luck this week. It's CD1 again and I'm feeling fat, bloated, and miserable. I'm also craving salty chips and am planning on indulging that desire tonight as I drown my lack of pregnancy in chips and wine. At least I know I can drink for a day or so, right? That's some form of consolation. Right? Right!? Okay, so it really isn't, but hey I'm trying really hard to be positive so I don't sit and sob tonight instead.
Next month on my birthday I'm attending a baby shower for a fellow infertile. She and her husband have been blessed and will soon have a new baby that they conceived naturally. I shouldn't be jealous because know that she's been here. They tried for 2.5 years and used up all of their insurance money trying and not succeeding. They are the couple that was in the process of getting paperwork filled out and getting a home study done when they found out about the baby. And I wish so badly it was me. If I hadn't had my miscarriage in January of last year, I'd be preparing for a 1st birthday party soon, if the party hadn't taken place earlier this month. But instead, I'm making a baby blanket and crying over each stitch. I wish so badly I was making it for my own child.
I feel bad because I'm happy for them but at the same time so sad for myself and my husband. This is such a double edged sword. It's so hard to be happy for everyone else having their babies when all I want is my turn to have a baby as well. Most days I'm fine. I take joy in the blessings I have - my husband, my beautiful step-daughter, my parents and siblings, my health, a home to call my own. But other days it seems I can't even take a step outside of my door without seeing a glowing Madonna with her hand over her gently swelling belly, ripe with child. And the knife drives into my heart and rips open the wound I try so hard to protect. Does this pain ever get easier? Does the memory fade? I know I'll always see July as the "might have been" month, but does it ever get easier? Do you forget the due date that was not? Other have lost babies much further along than me. I was only 6 weeks, 3 days. But how I wanted that life to grow and bloom and become fruitful. Now I make gifts for other people's babies and have nothing at all to show for mine.
I'm sorry for the whining and complaining dear Internet. But tonight it seems as though all of the memories are piling up. I think it's time to self medicate with a glass of wine and no working on craft projects for the evening. Tomorrow things will be better. I have faith. And one day it will be our turn, all of us in this awful stinking boat of IF. We will have our lives be as we wish for them to be. I have faith. It's what keeps me and us all going.
Why yes, I have been MIA. We went on vacation, I'm almost halfway through my cycle, and I have an invitation to a baby shower being held on my birthday. Nothing like the proverbial smack in the back of the head to remind you of what you don't have by karma, right? Actually, I don't mind attending this shower. This shower is for a fellow IFer who will be crossing over to the other side in September. I am thrilled for her and her husband, but at the same time I wish it was me. I wish I was pregnant so I didn't feel so horrible at the shower watching her with her baby belly as she plans for her little one. It seems that everywhere I go right now, I'm surrounded by pregnant women or small babies. It's almost enough to make me want to hide inside of the house.
Anyway, we vacationed in Phoenix and saw the Grand Canyon. We took along the young'un and everywhere we went I got complemented on how much my daughter looks like me. She and I just smiled and said thank you. Explanations take too long sometimes and she really does look a lot like I do. She's started asking if we are going to have kids and if we do, can we make sure it's not more than 1 at a time. I told her that we would be happy with anything that God blesses us, be it 1, 2, or 12. I'm not banking on the 12. That apparently was an acceptible answer because now she is picking out what she thinks we should name her dozen brothers and sisters. Kids. Actually, now that she's 10, it seems I can see her growing up while I watch her. It seems she grows more and more each day. The little kid look is almost gone and you can see the woman she will become. *sigh* Now if only I can give her the siblings that she wants.